Pre-emptive strike on the MCNGP!

Discussion in 'MCSE' started by Guest, Jun 14, 2005.

  1. Guest

    Guest Guest

    Your obvious attempt to defraud my organization has been noted and the
    attorneys notified.

    If you honestly lost your watch, you would be unaware that it was 4 minutes
    ago that you lost your watch.

    Further, you were supposed to write down the time. If you followed the
    instructions correctly, you would have created written evidence that you are
    now in the future.

    Additionally, as you are now in the future from the time you made this post,
    if I were to send you back in time to 4 minutes ago, you would still be
    unable to retrieve your watch. If I sent you back in time to 4 minutes
    before you made this post, you might be able to get your watch, but then you
    would never have sent this post, so I never would have actually sent you
    back in time. This would create an alternate universe as well as a paradox
    in space-time, and there is an additional charge for creating alternate
    universes and the usual paradox fees. These are of course astronomically

    At this point I cannot assist you with your attempts to retrieve your watch.
    However, if you would like to fail and blame me, I have a service for this.

    Microcephalic S. Bob
    Guest, Jun 16, 2005
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  2. Guest

    Briscobar Guest

    In <!-- The F-Word --> <? echo "General Microcephalic S. Bob"; ?> <!--
    It was not my intention to defraud you, your organization, or your time
    machine in any way. The fact that I did is just a bonus.
    No, you see, I travelled back in time 4 minutes. I know this because I had
    my watch when I left the now (which is now then) to travel to the then
    (which, unfortunately, is also then). I set the time machine to travel back
    in time 4 minutes. When I returned from 4 minutes ago (now almost a full day
    ago), my watch was missing. I am assuming that your time machine worked
    properly and did indeed send me to 4 minutes ago, and not 1 year, 184 days,
    2 hours and 18 minutes ago (which would now be approximately 1 year, 184
    days, 22 hours ago). If your time machine did malfunction, I demand a
    refund. If it did not malfunction, then it is not your problem. However, I
    would be willing to pay for another trip back in time so that I may retreive
    my watch.
    I did write the time down. I had it inscribed on the back of my watch.
    While I did not use a pencil and paper, there is clear evidence that I was
    indeed in the past (where I obviously am not now).
    Why not? That's when I lost my watch. I went back in time to the time that
    was called "4 minutes ago." If I go back there, why will I not be able to
    fetch my watch? Will some past-person have stolen it?
    Don't worry. Just send me to the future first. I'm going to win the lottery.
    Send me to the future, I'll pick up some cash, come back to the past (which
    is now now), then travel to the now's (or past's) past (which is commonly
    referred to as "the past."). Once I have this money, any paradox fees and
    alternate universe charges will be paid in full, and up front. That is, they
    will be paid before I am sent to the past.
    Please, sir, reconsider helping me with my predicament. That watch has been
    passed up through the generations. It was my
    great-great-great-great-grandson's at one time, and when he went to fight
    against the Rebels of Titan in the Great Interplanetary War of 2156, he gave
    it to my great-great-great-grandson. In reverse-time, he passed it up to his
    father, and so it went, for the next hundred years. You see, Bob, this is a
    family heirloom, in a way. Or, now that we're living in the present and not
    the future (or the past), it will be a family heirloom. I plan on giving
    this to my son one day. He, of course, already had this - he was the one who
    gave it to me. But how can I give it to him if it's stuck in the past? If
    the watch was stuck in the future, I could have my son pick it up when he
    gets there. But it's in the past, irretreivable without your help. I beg of
    you, Bob. Please. Help. I'm willing to make this worth your while.
    Briscobar, Jun 16, 2005
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  3. Guest

    FrisbeeĀ® Guest

    FrisbeeĀ®, Jun 16, 2005
  4. Guest

    Guest Guest

    I already went back in time and stole your watch. I reset it to 7 minutes
    ago and put it back. This way, your records were inaccurate, so when you go
    back to 4 minutes ago, your watch still won't be there. That's why you lost
    your watch to begin with, because your fraud was anticipated and I stole
    your watch to punish you for your future defrauding efforts.
    Ok. You'll be in the future again, once you reread this sentence for 4
    minutes straight.
    It's no longer now. Your version of now is now then, and always will be.
    Wait, here comes now. Crap, there it goes. DAMMIT. Catching now is going to
    be a problem.
    Yes, I know just how valuable this watch is. You see, when I was in the
    Platonic Neutral War of Love in 2964, I was in your fathers unit. And
    believe me, it was spacious.

    We were under heavy fire in the Mrr'ktack'plu compound on Marvin IV in the
    Carl System, trying to retrieve the discs of Koplo to resurrect the
    inhabitants of the Mound of Miasma, who were slaughtered for their mutating
    cheese supply. The commander gave the order to go, and we entered the
    facility. A clan of clansmen lay in wait, and we were ambushed. We drew
    heavy casualties. Your father was mortally wounded. While he lay dying, he
    told me of the story of your past, and he gave me this watch. It was your
    great-great-great-great-grandson's, from the future of the future's past,
    which was last Wednesday at 3:02pm. His last request was that I take this
    watch and give it to you.

    The survivors of our unit were captured, and I and the other surviving
    members of the Lethargy Squadron were placed in a containment unit for
    debriefing. I knew they were coming to search us, so I had to find a place
    to keep the watch. So I took the watch, and I placed it up my azz. And then
    the Mrr'ktack'plu came, and froze us in carbonite. They hooked us up to
    machines that sucked the fluid from our cloisteroctomine gland for
    harvesting, and shipped us back in time to 8192 B.C. and we were stored at
    the Temporal Prison on Marvin XXIV in the Non-Carl System.

    Several hundred minutes later, an equipment malfunction shorted, we were
    defrosted, we revolted, and we escaped. We made our way back to Earth. The
    watch, compacted into my internal organs by the lack of cloisteroctomine
    gland fluid, could not be removed, and the means of returning to the present
    past of the future now were unavailable on primitive, unrefined Earth.

    There in the past, I lived out the remainder of my life with the other
    colonists and colostamists, died, decomposed, and became a fossil, and
    throughout all of this, for nearly 10,000 years, I kept your fathers watch
    up my azz.

    I left a note for my future self, the self I am now, with instructions on
    the watch and how to retrieve it from my fossilized azz. And I sent my
    mindslave to retrieve it, and it has arrived just now. And here it is.

    And this watch I now give to you.

    What? That's not your great-great-great-great-grandson's watch? Ahhh, CRAP.
    I kept the wrong watch up my azz for 10,000 years!

    Microcephalic S. Bob
    Guest, Jun 16, 2005
  5. Guest

    CBIC Guest

    You sure like to type, don't you. BTW funny story.
    CBIC, Jun 16, 2005
  6. Guest

    Briscobar Guest

    In <!-- The F-Word --> <? echo "General Microcephalic S. Bob"; ?> <!--
    But once I realize I'm there, it will be the present. For my purposes, the
    only way of getting to the future is actually skipping over the present. Of
    course, I can return to the moment I left and relive the present (although
    it will be my first time in this current, hypothetical present), and pretend
    I never skipped it in the past.
    No it's not! YOU HAVE A TIME MACHINE, for crying out loud! Just go back and
    get it!
    Dad always did have a spacious unit.
    That was you?! Oh my God, I've always wondered who the mystery man with the
    watch was! I can't believe I've found you! Dad wrote me a letter after he
    died describing the ambush you brave men will face in the future. I am so
    proud of my father, and you, sir. I am full of gratitude for all you've done
    for our planet - nay, all mankind - and for how you treated my father in his
    dying moments.
    8192 BC? At the Temporal Prison? Did you happen to know Raul? Or Jose? They
    were guards there when I was there back in 8196 BC, and they may have been
    there as early as your stay. They're good fellas, Raul and Jose. They never
    pulled that Han Solo crap with me, though. Of course, I wasn't there as
    punishment. You're the insurgent, not me. I was there because I like to
    vacation in out-of-the-way spots, due to my celebrity. You see, in the
    future, as I've mentioned, I win the lottery. I do all that I can to help
    those less fortunate than myself, and I become something of a celebrity. Not
    as big as Carrot Top, but a celebrity nonetheless. So when I vacation, I
    tend to go to a nice quiet prison camp where no one will recognize me. Also,
    I like being tortured and berated.
    Maybe you could leave a note for your future self to go back to the past and
    bring your past self to the present (or future), where exists the technology
    to remove this vaccuum-sealed watch from your intestines. Then, on your past
    self's journey back to the past, he could stop off at my present and deliver
    me my watch? Would that be alright?
    Man, I'm just looking for the time. What time is it?
    Briscobar, Jun 16, 2005
  7. Guest

    Guest Guest

    I was mean to him. I never liked him, I just liked his watch and how it
    would feel in my internal organs. I destroy mankind in 2964.
    We feasted on their innards and cleansed ourselves with a moist towellete.
    They were tasty in barbeque sauce.
    Shut up, b*tch.
    Guest, Jun 16, 2005
  8. Guest

    kpg Guest

    I wish I could go back in time never reply to this thread.
    kpg, Jun 16, 2005
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