Shamelessly stolen from \n"Hey all just came across this and thought some of you might enjoy it ! ;)\n\nCheers\nRick\n-\-\n\n\nNotice: NEW TECH SUPPORT FEES BY INCIDENT:\n\nAll future Tech Support requests will be charged according to the following\nFees Chart:\n-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\n\nCalling me with a question - \n\nCalling me with a stupid question - \n\nCalling me with a stupid question you can't quite articulate - \n\nImplying I'm incompetent because I can't interpret your inarticulate problem\ndescription - 0 + punitive damages\n\nQuestions received via phone without first trying help desk - \n\nQuestions where answer is in the user's manual - 0\n\nCalling me back with the same problem *after* I fix it once - 0\n\nInsisting that you're not breaking the software, the problem is on my end\nsomehow - 0\n\nAsking me to walk over to your building to fix the problem - /step\n\nAsking me to drive to another town to fix your problem - /mile+gas\n\nIf you interrupt me while I was trying to actually fix somebody else's\nproblem - /hr\n\nIf you try to hang around and get me to fix it now - /hr\n\nIf you expect me to tell you how I fixed it - /hr\n\nIf you've come to ask me why something isn't working that I'm currently\nworking on - /hr\n\nIf you're asking me to fix something I fixed for you yesterday - /hr\n\nIf you're asking me to fix something I told you I fixed yesterday, but never\nactually did fix - /hr\n\nIf you're asking me to fix a quick patch that I made that didn't work -\n/hr\n\nIf you're bugging me while there's someone else in the room who could have\ndone it for you - 0/hr\n\nMaking me trek to your office to fix your problem then leaving immediately\nafter hanging up the phone - 00\n\nCalling up with a problem which "everybody" in the office is having and\nwhich is "stopping all work." Not being there when I rush over to look at it\nand nobody else in the office knows anything about it. - 00\n\nExplaining a problem for 1/2 hour over the phone BEFORE mentioning it's your\npersonal machine at home - 0\n\nSelf-diagnosing your problem and informing me what to do - 0\n\nHaving me bail you out when you perform your own repairs I told you not to\ndo - 0\n\nNot telling all of your co-workers about it - 0\n\nFiguring out you mean floppy drive when you say hard drive - \n\nAFTER I order your replacement hard drive - 0\n\nFixing your "broken" mouse with a mousepad - \n\nFixing your "broken" optical mouse by rotating the mousepad 90 degrees - \n\nFixing a "broken" mouse by cleaning the rollers - \n\nFixing your "broken" printer with an ink/toner cartridge - \n\nFixing your "broken" ANYTHING with the power button - 0\n\nFixing the "crashed" system by turning the external disk back on - 0\n\nFixing the "hung" system by plugging the Ethernet transceiver back in - 5\n\nFixing the crashed nameserver by plugging back in the SCSI cord someone\naccidentally yanked out on Friday afternoon when the 'real' sysadmin has\njust left for a two week vacation - 0\n\nVisiting your old university and fixing the broken PC by plugging the\nmonitor lead back in - \n\nExplaining that you can't log in to some server because you don't have an\naccount there - \n\nExplaining that you don't have an account on the machine you used to have an\naccount on because you used it to try to break into the above server - 0\n\nForgetting your password after it was tattooed on your index finger - \n\nChanging memory partitions without informing me first - \n\nInstalling programs without informing me /getting permission first - 0\nper program\n\nTechnical support for the above programs - 0 per hour (regardless of\nwhether I know the program or not :))\n\nSpilling coke on keyboard - plus cost of keyboard\n\nSpilling coke on monitor - plus cost of monitor\n\nSpilling coke on CPU - 0 plus cost of motherboard swap plus hourly rate\nof 0 per hour spent reinstalling the system\n\nLeaving a machine without logging off first- per hour\n\nCleaning the mouse with spit and sleeve - plus cost of shirt sleeve, and\nCoke used to provide spit\n\nChewing on the end of the graphic tablet stylus - \n\nSpending 30 minutes trying to figure out what your problem is, and another 5\nexplaining how to verify and fix it, only to hear you say... "So that's what\nthe little box that popped up on my screen was telling me to do!" - \n\nListening to your network troubles, suggesting that you check to see if you\nare plugged into the network jack, hearing yes, trying five other things,\nasking you to identify your plug type, listening to you drag furniture, and\nhearing a sheepish, "Oops. Never mind." - (including discount for polite\napology)\n\nDealing with tech support requests for obviously pirated software - \n\nDealing with "How can I get another copy of [obviously pirated software]?\nMine just died." requests - \n\nHaving to use the "We're really not the best people to talk to about that;\nwhy don't you try calling the number on the box in which you bought it?"\nline - \n\nActually needing to explain copyright law to you after you failed to get the\nhint in the previous response - (includes instructions for getting\nfreeware replacements from the public file server)\n\nHaving to point out anything that's on the wall in a typeface larger than 18\npoints - \n\nIf I made the sign - \n\nIf I made the sign with handwritten letters - \n\nIf it's in a 144 point font and taped to the front of the monitor - \n\nReporting slow connection by passenger pigeon packets to MPEG archive in\nOuter Slobavia as a Internet Explorer/Netscape/Gopher/FTP client problem -\n\n\nReporting it more than once - \n\nReporting it more than once and implying slothfulness on tech support's\ninability to solve problem - 0\n\nDealing with user who is (self-proclaimed) smarter than you are, but still\ncalls every other day for help - 0/hour\n\nDealing with computer hobbyists - 5/hour\n\nQuestioning the other prices on the list - \n\n-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\n\nLate fee - 15% per month.\nCredit Cards not accepted.\n\nThank you - Technical Support"