Advice to employees on the proper use of the System Administrator's valuable time

Discussion in 'Computer Support' started by Daan Berg, Sep 30, 2007.

  1. Daan Berg

    Daan Berg Guest

    Advice to employees on the proper use of the System Administrator's valuable

    (In following examples, we will substitute the name "Ted" as the System

    Make sure to save all your MP3 files on your network drive. No sense in
    wasting valuable space on your local drive! Plus, Ted loves browsing through
    100+ GB of music files while he backs up the servers.

    Play with all the wires you can find. If you can't find enough, open
    something up to expose them. After you have finished, and nothing works
    anymore, put it all back together and call Ted. Deny that you touched
    anything and that it was working perfectly only five minutes ago. Ted just
    loves a good mystery. For added effect you can keep looking over his
    shoulder and ask what each wire is for.

    Never write down error messages. Just click OK, or restart your computer.
    Ted likes to guess what the error message was.

    When talking about your computer, use terms like "Thingy" and "Big

    If you get an EXE file in an email attachment, open it immediately. Ted
    likes to make sure the anti-virus software is working properly.

    When Ted says he coming right over, log out and go for coffee. It's no
    problem for him to remember your password.

    When you call Ted to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried
    under a year-old pile of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried
    flowers, unpaid bills, bowling trophies and Popsicle sticks. Ted doesn't
    have a life, and he finds it deeply moving to catch a glimpse of yours.

    When Ted sends you an email marked as "Highly Important" or "Action
    Required", delete it at once. He's probably just testing some new-fangled
    email software.

    When Ted's eating lunch at his desk or in the lunchroom, walk right in, grab
    a few of his fries, then spill your guts and expect him to respond
    immediately. Ted lives to serve, and he's always ready to think about fixing
    computers, especially yours.

    When Ted's at the water cooler or outside taking a breath of fresh air, find
    him and ask him a computer question. The only reason he takes breaks at all
    is to ferret out all those employees who don't have email or a telephone.

    Send urgent email ALL IN UPPERCASE. The mail server picks it up and flags it
    as a rush delivery.

    When the photocopier doesn't work, call Ted. There's electronics in it, so
    it should be right up his alley.

    When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at your home computer, call Ted.
    He enjoys fixing telephone problems from remote locations. Especially on

    When something goes wrong with your home PC, dump it on Ted's chair the next
    morning with no name, no phone number, and no description of the problem.
    Ted just loves a good mystery.

    When you have Ted on the phone walking you through changing a setting on
    your PC, read the newspaper. Ted doesn't actually mean for you to DO
    anything. He just loves to hear himself talk.

    When your company offers training on an upcoming OS upgrade, don't bother to
    sign up. Ted will be there to hold your hand when the time comes.

    When the printer won't print, re-send the job 20 times in rapid succession.
    That should do the trick.

    When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all the
    printers in the office. One of them is bound to work.

    Don't use online help. Online help is for wimps.

    Don't read the operator's manual. Manuals are for wussies.

    If you're taking night classes in computer science, feel free to demonstrate
    your fledgling expertise by updating the network drivers for you and all
    your co-workers. Ted will be grateful for the overtime when he has to stay
    until 2:30am fixing all of them.

    When Ted's fixing your computer at a quarter past one, eat your Whopper with
    cheese in his face. He functions better

    when he's slightly dizzy from hunger.

    When Ted asks you whether you've installed any new software on your
    computer, LIE. It's no one else's business what you've got on your computer.

    If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog, lift
    the monitor and stuff the cable under it. Those skinny Mouse cables were
    designed to have 55 lbs. of computer monitor crushing them.

    If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame Ted for not upgrading
    it sooner. Hell, it's not your fault there's a half pound of pizza crust
    crumbs, nail clippings, and big sticky drops of Mountain Dew under the keys.

    When you get the message saying "Are you sure?", click the "Yes" button as
    fast as you can. Hell, if you weren't sure, you wouldn't be doing it, would

    Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing about that
    boneheaded computer crap." It never bothers Ted to hear his area of
    professional expertise referred to as boneheaded crap.

    Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller chunks. God
    forbid somebody else should sneak a one-page job in between your 500-page
    Word document.

    When you send that 500-page document to the printer, don't bother to check
    if the printer has enough paper. That's Ted's job.

    When Ted calls you 30 minutes later and tells you that the printer printed
    24 pages of your 500-page document before it ran out of paper, and there are
    now nine other jobs in the queue behind yours, ask him why he didn't bother
    to add more paper.

    When you receive a 130 MB movie file, send it to everyone as a high-priority
    mail attachment. Ted's provided plenty of disk space and processor capacity
    on the new mail server for just those kinds of important things.

    When you bump into Ted in the grocery store on a Sunday afternoon, ask him
    computer questions. He works 24/7, and is always thinking about computers,
    even when he's at super-market buying toilet paper and doggie treats.

    If your son is a student in computer science, have him come in on the
    weekends and do his projects on your office computer. Ted will be there for
    you when your son's illegal copy of Visual Basic 6.0 makes the Access
    database keel over and die.

    When you bring Ted your own "no-name" brand PC to repair for free at the
    office, tell him how urgently he needs to fix it so you can get back to
    playing EverQuest. He'll get on it right away, because everyone knows he
    doesn't do anything all day except surf the Internet.

    Don't ever thank Ted. He loves fixing everything AND getting paid for it!

    (send additional suggestions)


    See Also:SysAdmin Day

    (IMG: Source: JoeJoe
    Daan Berg, Sep 30, 2007
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  2. Daan Berg

    Mara Guest

    I am Ted and you owe me a new set of lusers.

    Mara, Sep 30, 2007
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  3. Daan Berg

    Evan Platt Guest

    Ted should configure the backup to omit certain file extensions, MP3
    being one of them.

    Ted should discuss with the CTO about prohibiting the storage of
    illegal files on work computers, or even remotely illegal files (mp3).
    Sounds like the NTL / morons in this group.
    Ted should have an account on every machine.

    When a user walks away from their machine, they SHOULD log out.
    Oh, this wasn't the new computer I asked for from purchasing? I wiped
    everything out on it!
    Make the meeting mandatory.
    Ted should set up appropriate user privileges so people can't do this.
    Ted should set up appropriate user privileges so people can't do this.
    Ted should configure the mail server with a maximum message size.
    Ted should set up appropriate user privileges so people can't do this.
    Evan Platt, Sep 30, 2007
  4. Daan Berg

    who'sthat Guest

    Ted should get some new material

    who'sthat, Oct 1, 2007
  5. What did you do with the old set? <EG> heheh.....
    The Old Sourdough, Oct 1, 2007
  6. There's probably some bones out back if you want one.
    =?ISO-8859-1?Q?R=F4g=EAr?=, Oct 1, 2007
  7. Daan Berg

    Mara Guest

    After being called in Saturday night, while ill, just because a luser was being
    a flaming idiot, I skinned them all and threw them on the fire ant mound.

    I'd like to, anyway.

    Tip for all lusers: If you try to print a document to three printers
    simultaneously, and two of the three aren't even turned on, not much is going to

    Mara, Oct 1, 2007

  8. ....and these answers certainly cover all the things which should make
    Ted's job a snap!
    Steve Meyerson, Oct 1, 2007
  9. Daan Berg

    Pennywise Guest

    Like that? You should read some of the BOFH files

    Not the new stuff from the Register, but the old first few years
    Pennywise, Oct 1, 2007
  10. On 2007-10-01, in 24hoursupport.helpdesk, Mara waxed eloquently:

    Now that sounds all too familiar, kinda like our inventory clerk
    who printed 2000 inventory tags on salmon colored paper with a kind
    of orange hued printing. They were readable from a maximum distance of,
    oh, about six inches under the lighting on the shop floor.
    The Old Sourdough, Oct 1, 2007
  11. Daan Berg

    Mara Guest

    Time for the radio-controlled dynamite collar.

    10pm at night, I can barely talk as I have a raging sinus infection. So, I
    decided to stay home today and try to get some rest but hell no, can't have
    that. I've been sick for two freakin' weeks now and they all know that, but hey,
    it's just the electronic janitor, right?

    If you happen to see Alexander Graham Bell anywhere, would you send him to my
    house so I can drop-kick him into the next galaxy?
    Mara, Oct 1, 2007
  12. One word: Tetracycline.
    =?ISO-8859-1?Q?R=F4g=EAr?=, Oct 2, 2007
  13. Daan Berg

    Mara Guest

    Doxycycline might help my sinus infection but not the abscessing tooth, or so my
    dentist informs me.

    First Cefaclor. Now Clindamycin, and hoping I don't turn out to be allergic to
    it too.
    Mara, Oct 2, 2007
  14. I've had doctors tell me that my predilection for Tetracycline is not
    logical. I had a really bad sinus infection one time and my next door
    neighbor taught pharmacy at a large medical college. His wife was a
    cancer research specialist. I told him I was taking Tetracycline for my
    sinuses, he said "That's like swatting flies with an atom bomb." I just
    said "Goddam, I knew I made the right choice." It really took care of
    it, and quickly. About every 3 or 4 years since then I'll come down with
    sinus infection and the Tetracycline still cures it very quickly.
    =?ISO-8859-1?Q?R=F4g=EAr?=, Oct 2, 2007
  15. Daan Berg

    Mara Guest

    The "cyclines" generally work for me but this isn't just a sinus infection, so
    we had to go with the clindamycin. It does appear to be helping with both but
    I've got a bit of a way to go.

    My dentist is 86 miles from here, and my permanent crown is supposed to be in
    sometime this week, so I expect I'll have to go down there whether I'm feeling
    better or not. OTOH, I'll be able to go down there in my new wheels, which will
    make things much more pleasant. There is something *very* wrong with my Honda,
    but no one's been able to find the problem, and I'm glad I don't have to take it
    out of town anymore.
    Mara, Oct 2, 2007
  16. Daan Berg

    Ozark Guest

    For the rest of the story see:
    Ozark, Oct 2, 2007
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