A man walked into a tavern...

Discussion in 'Computer Support' started by Me, Dec 28, 2005.

  1. Me

    Me Guest

    A man walked into a tavern and sat next to a very attractive, smartly dressed woman perched on a
    bar stool. "Hi there, Good Looking. How's it going?" he asked.
    The woman looked him straight in the eye and said, "Listen, I'll screw anybody, anytime,
    anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn't matter. I've been doing it ever since I got out of
    college, and I just love it!"
    "No kidding?," said the man, "I'm a lawyer too! What firm are you with?"
    Me, Dec 28, 2005
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  2. I don't get it.
    =?ISO-8859-1?Q?R=F4g=EAr?=, Dec 28, 2005
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  3. Me

    kkibugi Guest

    get another lawyer
    kkibugi, Dec 28, 2005
  4. Me

    Jimbob Guest

    Lucky you.
    Jimbob, Dec 28, 2005
  5. Me

    nemo Guest


    Remember these?

    What is the difference between a Lawyer and a trampoline?
    You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!

    How do you stop a Lawyer from drowning?
    Shoot him before he hits the water.

    What is the difference between a Lawyer and a bucket of shit?
    The bucket.

    What do you call 5000 dead Lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
    A good start!

    How can you tell when a Lawyer is lying?
    His lips are moving.

    What is the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead Lawyer in
    the road?
    There are skid marks in front of the dog.

    What is the difference between a dead Lawyer and a squished skunk in the
    The vultures will eat the skunk.

    What is the difference between a Lawyer and a skunk?
    Nobody wants to hit a skunk.

    Why won't vultures eat dead Lawyers?
    There are some things that would gag even a vulture.

    What do you do if you run over a Lawyer?
    Back over him to make sure. Then make another notch on the steering wheel.

    What is the only disadvantage to using Lawyers instead of rats in laboratory
    It's harder to extrapolate the test results to human beings.

    How many Lawyers does it take to roof a house?
    Depends on how thin you slice them.

    Why won't sharks attack Lawyers?
    Professional courtesy.

    What do you have when a Lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
    Not enough sand.

    When Lawyers die, why are they buried in a hole 24 feet deep?
    Because deep down, they are all nice guys!

    What are Lawyers good for?
    They make used car salesmen and estate agents look good.

    How do you get a Lawyer out of a tree?
    Cut the rope.

    How do you save a drowning Lawyer?
    Take your foot off his head.

    How do you kill 4000 Lawyers?
    You build a new Titanic and declare it cannot sink.

    How many Lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus?
    Never enough.

    What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a Lawyer?
    An offer you can't understand.

    What is the difference between a porcupine and two Lawyers in a Porsche?
    With a porcupine, the pricks are on the outside!

    What do you buy a friend working for a Lawyer?
    A lobotomy.

    What is the difference between a catfish and a Lawyer?
    One's a bottom-crawling scum sucker and the other's just a fish.

    What is the difference between a female Lawyer and a catfish?
    One's slimy and has whiskers, and the other one lives in the water.

    What is the difference between a Lawyer and a leech?
    A leech will let go and drop off when the victim dies.

    What do slime moulds have more of than Lawyers?

    What would happen if you lock a cannibal in a room full of Lawyers?
    He would starve to death.

    Why don't hyenas eat Lawyers?
    Even hyenas has some dignity.

    What do you call an honest Lawyer?
    An impossibility.

    What do you get when you cross a Lawyer with another Lawyer?
    Nothing. There are some things that not even nature can permit.

    Why didn't the circus clown feel so bad about his career?
    At least he wasn't a Lawyer.

    What is the difference between pigs and Lawyers.
    You can learn to respect a pig.

    What happens when you try to cross a pig with a Lawyer?
    Nothing. There are some things even a pig won't do.

    Did you hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of Lawyers?
    He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.

    What does a Lawyer and a spermatozoon have in common?
    Both have about a one in 3 million chance of becoming a human being.

    Where can you find a good Lawyer?
    In the cemetery.

    What is the difference between a Lawyer and a gigolo?
    A gigolo only screws one person at a time.

    What do Lawyers use as contraceptives?
    Their personalities.

    If a vampire bites a Lawyer, isn't that cannibalism?

    What is brown and black and looks good on a Lawyer's testes?
    A Doberman.

    What's eighteen inches long and hangs in front of an asshole?
    The tie around a Lawyer's neck.

    Why did the Post Office recall the new Lawyer stamps?
    Because people could not tell which side to spit on.

    Did you hear about the Lawyer who was so big when he died that they couldn't
    find a coffin big enough to hold the body?
    They evacuated his colon and buried him in a shoebox.

    How do you know if a Lawyer is well hung?
    You can't fit a finger between the rope and his neck.

    Why should Lawyers wear lots of sunscreen when on holiday at a beach resort?
    Because they're used to doing all of their lying indoors.

    Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest Lawyer and an old drunk are walking
    down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar
    bill. Who gets it?
    The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.

    Why do lawyers wear ties?
    They stop their foreskins from rising up their necks

    They're not mine. Credit to the original poster.
    nemo, Dec 28, 2005
  6. Me

    Kev Guest

    Thats not right. Some of my best friends are vampires. Drinking blood
    doesnt make someone a bad person. ;o)
    Kev, Dec 29, 2005
  7. Me

    KenStahl Guest

    A man walked into a bar and ended up getting several
    stitches and had to throw away the bloody shirt.
    KenStahl, Dec 29, 2005
  8. Me

    Mike Archer Guest


    LOL, thanks for that post...

    Here's the only lawyer joke I know that wasn't in that post...

    A Lawyer and his junior assistant are travelling home from work one day,
    when the bus is stopped by armed robbers. Quickly the lawyer stuffs the
    contents of his wallet into the assistants hand saying 'Here's your
    wages for the next month'.
    Mike Archer, Dec 30, 2005
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