A Letter that Microsoft never sent

Discussion in 'Computer Support' started by Peter, Jul 22, 2003.

  1. Peter

    Peter Guest

    Subject: WINDOWS 2000 Brooklyn Version

    Dear Consumas:

    It has come ta our attention dat a cupola copies of the Windows 2000
    Brooklyn Edition may have accidentally bin shipped outsida Brooklyn. If
    ya got one a dese, you may need some help understandin' da commands.

    Da Brooklyn edition may be recognized by da unique openin' screen.

    It reads: "WINDAS 2000," wit a background picture of Grand Army Plaza.
    When you start da program, instead of da usual harpy, stringy music,
    you
    hear da teme from da Godfadda. It is also shipped wit a Sopranos screen
    sava.

    PLEASE ALSO NOTE:
    Recycle Bin is labeled "Staten Island."
    My Computer is called "My Friggin' Computa."
    The Inbox is referred to as "Da Trunk."
    Deleted Items are referred to as "Wacked," "Erased," or "Rubbed Out."
    Control Panel is known as "Da Bosses."
    Performing an "illegal operation" is known as "enhancin' the family
    business" and will actually maximize da program instead of shuttin' it
    down.
    Hard Drive is referred to as "Da BQE Rush Hour."
    Instead of an error message a "You ain't gonna friggin' believe
    dis"pops up.

    CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN DA BROOKLYN EDITION:
    OK...................Sure ting
    Cancel...........Fugetaboutit
    Reset.............Start Ova
    Yes.................Yeah
    No...................Nah
    Find...............Put a contract out on
    Browse..........Get a looksee
    Back...............U-toin
    Help................Help ain't available. Yous don't need no stinkin'
    help
    Stop.................Knock it off
    Start.................Move it!
    Settings..........Here's d' Rules

    We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you mistakenly
    received
    a copy of da BROOKLYN EDITION.

    You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.

    Yous got a problem wit dat?

    Sincerely,

    Billy ~"glasses" ~ Gates
     
    Peter, Jul 22, 2003
    #1
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  2. Peter

    Dave Hill Guest

    Dunno how long that one has been around, this one I got in 1999....

    It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Geordie version of
    Windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside of Newcastle. If you
    have one of the Newcastle editions you may need some help understanding
    the commands. The Newcastle edition may be recognised by looking at the
    loading screen. It reads Windiz 98 with a background picture of a Brown
    Ale bottle superimposed on a photograph of the Tyne Bridge. It is shipped
    with the Brown Ale screen saver.

    Also note:

    The Recycle Bin is labelled 'Aal ya shite'
    Dialup Networking is called 'Me mates'
    Control Panel is known as 'How te f**k aboot wi the settins'
    The Hard Drive is referred to as 'Big disk'
    Floppies are known as 'Them litil plastic bastads'
    Other Features:
    OK = it's alreet
    cancel = f**k that
    yes = aye
    no= nee f**kin' chance
    find = gan gerit ya f**king sel'
    go to = owa there
    help = ah cannit dee it
    stop = divvent move
    start = hadaway and shite
    settings = settins
    programs = stuff that dis stuff
    personal folder = me shite

    Also note that Windiz 98 does not recognise capital letters or punctuation
    marks.

    Some programs that are exclusive to Windiz 98:

    tiperiter = a word processor
    cullarin book = a graphics package
    addin masheen = calculator
    tunes = CD player
    porn = Microsoft Internet Explorer
    pikchas = a graphics viewer
    dole money = accounting software
    toon = a spreadsheet of Newcastle United FC's recent scores
    bevvy = local off-licences by area code and price of Brown Ale
    tax records = usually an empty file
    Kappa tracksuit inventory = usually a 5 meg file

    We regret any inconvenience it may cause if you received a copy of the
    Newcastle edition. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement
    version.
     
    Dave Hill, Jul 22, 2003
    #2
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