Voipfone launch the world's first Internet Telepathy service.

Discussion in 'VOIP' started by lee@voipfone.co.uk, Apr 1, 2006.

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    Today Voipfone introduced the first product developed from its
    ground-breaking Enhanced Subscriber Protocol (ESP). This unreal-time
    protocol is an unusual Layer Eight application which, although still in
    an early beta phase, is already making remarkable improvements in
    Customer Relations and Productivity (CRAP).

    With the correct training, Voipfone's customer service staff are now
    actually able to understand a customer's problem just by reading
    their emails.

    Rosy Lee, Director of Stuff To Understand & Do (STUD) commented
    "It's extraordinary, for the first time we can make sense out of
    the garbled and useless information our customers present us with when
    they have a problem. It's a real breakthrough. Now we actually know
    what the problem is when a customer just says 'it doesn't work,
    what should I do?'

    "Of course we still can't help them, but it's good to really feel
    their anger first hand" he chuckled.

    He's also expecting to achieve large operational efficiency gains
    "If I'm honest" he lied "we no longer need to buy that
    expensive tea any more - no more gazing at Lapsang Souchong and Earl
    Grey leaves just to figure out a customer's Sipura configuration
    file. Builder's Brew Bags are all we use now".

    The break-through was made by the typically modest Shirley Timwell,
    Director of Serendipity Services & Applications (DOSSA) for Voipfone,
    "If I'm honest" he mimicked "it was an accident. I was setting
    up the Voipfone presence server and I just misspelled it. When I
    rebooted, we had Prescience™ - and the rest is history, or future,
    or something"

    Squadron Leader Clare Airborne, high flying Secretary General of ITPSA
    (the Internet Telepathy & Psychic Services Association) said "This is
    a fantastic development. Voipfone has very generously given us a Pro
    version of the software which means we can accurately predict when they
    will pay their subscription fees. It's disappointing knowledge to
    have of course, but at least we now know the worst."

    Intuit, digerati and conference raconteur eRabbi Kitty, chairman of the
    reformed ICSTIS (Internet Clairvoyance Systems & Telephony by Intuition
    Society), said "I really didn't see this coming, but you can bet
    I'm going to form a European working group on it".

    At first he was worried about how the conference circuit - to which has
    dedicated so much of his life - would respond to the break-though,
    worrying "they'll all know what I'm going to say won't they?"
    But he quickly realised that as people only go to conferences to rack
    up the air miles, nothing much has changed. "it's fantastically
    efficient now - I don't even bother speaking anymore, which, to be
    honest" he winked engagingly "is a blessing all round. We all just
    swop business cards, do our expenses claims, eat the canapés, grin at
    each other and get down to the beach as fast as we can."

    Austin Healey MGB & G&T, of Ofcom (Office of complications), is
    consulting, well, everybody and is deeply concerned about, well
    everything, but expects clear labelling will almost certainly be the
    answer to, well, pretty much everything.

    He predicted "We do think that so long as a customer knows his mind
    will be read at the point of sale all will be well. You can be sure
    that we're taking soundings from Mystic Meg about the long term
    competitive aspects of this and will publish a consultative document
    when BT tell us we can. Rest assured, consumers are very much on our
    minds; or will be, apparently."

    The Cable companies were unavailable for comment today as, having never
    anticipated any technological development since the twin tub washing
    machine, and still finding digital watches overly complex, they were
    just hoping that the day would turn out nice again.

    Colin Duffy, CEO (Clowning & Entertainments Officer) of Voipfone,
    declined to be interviewed saying, "Don't ask me about this stuff;
    they never tell me anything, all I do is apologise to our customers
    when it all goes tits up during implementation"

    Terms & Conditions will almost certainly apply.


    Notes to editors

    Voipfone is an internet telephone service provided by Inet Telecoms
    Ltd, a London-based company which was formed to develop the latest
    voice over internet technologies for Small Businesses. It aims to
    challenge the traditional telecoms companies' grip on the market by
    offering low cost, high quality services that have more advanced
    features than the old public switched telephone network (PSTN).

    VoIP (Voice over Internet Protocol) is a way of making telephone calls
    over the internet without needing to use the traditional telephone
    networks. Calls to other users of this technology are free, no matter
    where the caller and called party are in the world.

    For further information, please contact:

    Colin Duffy, Inet Telecoms Ltd
    Tel: 00 44 (0)20 7043 5555
    Web: http://www.voipfone.co.uk
    , Apr 1, 2006
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