Time for a break - That means OT for the humor impaired

Discussion in 'Computer Support' started by =?ISO-8859-1?Q?R=F4g=EAr?=, Jul 25, 2007.

  1. One night, after the couple had retired for the night, the woman
    became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner.
    He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her
    back.

    He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then,
    he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over
    her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist.

    He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other.

    His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle
    probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and the
    returned to do the same to her right thigh.

    By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a
    little to better position herself. The man stopped abruptly and rolled
    over to his side of the bed.

    "Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered.

    He whispered back, "I found the remote!"

    -------------------------

    An 80-year old man goes to the doctor for a check-up.

    The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, "How do
    you stay in such great physical condition?"

    "I'm a golfer," says the old guy, "and that's why I'm in such good
    shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the
    fairways."

    "Well," says the doctor, "I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be
    more to it. How old was your dad when he died?"

    "Who said my dad's dead?"

    The doctor is amazed. "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still
    alive. How old is he?"

    "He's 100 years old," says the old golfer. "In fact he golfed with me
    this morning, and that's why he's still alive. He's a golfer too."

    "Well," the doctor says, "that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it
    than that. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"

    "Who said my grandpa's dead?"

    Stunned, the doctor asks, "You mean you're 80 years old and your
    grandfather is still living! Incredible, how old is he?"

    "He's 118 years old," says the old golfer .

    The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, "So, I guess he went
    golfing with you this morning too?"

    "No. Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today."

    At this point the doctor is close to losing it, "Getting married! Why
    would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?"

    "Who said he wanted to?"
    ----------------------

    A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I
    almost had an affair with another woman."

    The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"

    The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then
    I stopped."

    The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're
    not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and
    put $50 in the poor box."

    The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked
    over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

    The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw
    that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

    The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and
    according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"
    -----------------------------------

    There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon
    entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have
    sinned."

    The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."

    The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love
    to me seven times."

    The priest thought long and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a
    glass and drink the juice."

    The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"

    The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."

    ------------------------

    A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was
    sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're
    beautiful." Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him
    say that before, so she stayed by his side.

    A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said," You're cute."

    The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now
    "cute." She asked, "What happened to beautiful?"

    The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off."
    ----------------------

    Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for
    company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest
    and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the
    poor creature?"

    Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an
    animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and
    there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for
    the creature." Muldoon said,

    "I'll go right away Father. Do ya 'think $5,000 is enough to donate to
    them for the service?"

    Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya
    tell me the dog was Catholic?"

    ------------------------------------

    An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation
    ensues:

    Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many
    children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked
    up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex
    with each of them three times."

    Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

    Man: "What sins?"

    Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"

    Man: "I'm Jewish."

    Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"

    Man: "I'm 92 years old. I'm telling everybody."

    -------------------------

    A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a
    pest-control company.

    One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her
    husband arrived home unexpectedly. "Quick," said the woman to the
    lover, "into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

    The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the
    bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked him.

    "I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.

    "What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.

    "I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man
    replied.

    "And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.

    The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards..."

    -------------------

    One Sunday morning an old cowboy entered a church just before services
    were to begin. Although the old man and his clothes were spotlessly
    clean, he wore jeans, a denim shirt and boots that were very worn and
    ragged. In his hand he carried a worn out old hat and an equally worn
    out Bible.

    The church he entered was in a very upscale and exclusive part of the
    city. It was the largest and most beautiful church the old cowboy had
    ever seen. The people of the congregation were all dressed with
    expensive clothes and accessories.

    As the cowboy took a seat, the others moved away from him. No one
    greeted, spoke to, or welcomed him. They were all appalled at his
    appearance and did not attempt to hide it.

    As the old cowboy was leaving the church, the preacher approached him
    and asked the cowboy to do him a favor. "Before you come back in here
    again, have a talk with God and ask him what he thinks would be
    appropriate attire for worship." The old cowboy assured the preacher he
    would.

    The next Sunday, he showed back up for the services wearing the same
    ragged jeans, shirt, boots, and hat. Once again he was completely
    shunned and ignored. The preacher approached the man and said, "I
    thought I asked you to speak to God before you came back to our church."

    "I did," replied the old cowboy.

    "If you spoke to God, what did he tell you the proper attire should be
    for worshiping in here?" asked the preacher.

    "Well, sir, God told me that He didn't have a clue what I should wear.
    He said He'd never been in this church "
    =?ISO-8859-1?Q?R=F4g=EAr?=, Jul 25, 2007
    #1
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