Thinking of buying a Taser?

Discussion in 'Computer Support' started by Gary G. Taylor, May 18, 2006.

  1. I DID NOT WRITE THIS. I ran across it in 0.verizon.discussioin.general (a
    group carried only on Verizon's servers) and it was so frickin funny I had
    to repost it here. Enjoy.

    =================

    Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my
    interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a
    little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a
    100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were
    suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
    assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO
    COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

    I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
    Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the
    button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get
    the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
    Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn
    spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this
    new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two
    triple-a batteries,. right?!!! There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie
    looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the
    directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a
    flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie
    (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet
    cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself.
    against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as
    advertised. Am I wrong?


    So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
    perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser
    in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and
    disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle
    spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
    purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
    water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
    All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long,
    less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with
    two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"
    What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.....
    I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked one side
    as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from
    such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to
    give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the
    prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF
    MASS DESTRUCTION @#$%^&*&$# I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through
    the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on
    the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my
    side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both
    nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked
    under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was
    standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking
    my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"


    Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note
    of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap
    yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from
    your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst
    would be considered conservative. SON-OF-A-.. that hurt like [bleep]!!! A
    minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that
    point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed
    the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the
    fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps and right thigh were
    still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocaine, and
    my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles! I'm
    offering a significant reward for their safe return.


    --
    sholzy
    http://linuxconnection.org


    --
    Gary G. Taylor * Pomona|anomoP, CA * http://www.donavan.org
    "The two most abundant things in the Universe are hydrogen and stupidity."
    --Robert A. Heinlein, Harlan Ellison, Frank Zappa, and many others
    "Living free is the best revenge." --GT
     
    Gary G. Taylor, May 18, 2006
    #1
    1. Advertising

  2. Gary G. Taylor wrote:
    > I DID NOT WRITE THIS. I ran across it in 0.verizon.discussioin.general (a
    > group carried only on Verizon's servers) and it was so frickin funny I had
    > to repost it here. Enjoy.


    Sounds like something the local skateboarders would do for fun.
     
    =?ISO-8859-1?Q?R=F4g=EAr?=, May 18, 2006
    #2
    1. Advertising

  3. Gary G. Taylor

    Toolman Tim Guest

    In news:,
    Rôgêr spewed forth:
    > Gary G. Taylor wrote:
    >> I DID NOT WRITE THIS. I ran across it in
    >> 0.verizon.discussioin.general (a group carried only on Verizon's
    >> servers) and it was so frickin funny I had to repost it here. Enjoy.

    >
    > Sounds like something the local skateboarders would do for fun.


    So you've met them too? <g>

    --
    Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
     
    Toolman Tim, May 18, 2006
    #3
  4. Toolman Tim wrote:
    > In news:,
    > Rôgêr spewed forth:
    >
    >>Gary G. Taylor wrote:
    >>
    >>>I DID NOT WRITE THIS. I ran across it in
    >>>0.verizon.discussioin.general (a group carried only on Verizon's
    >>>servers) and it was so frickin funny I had to repost it here. Enjoy.

    >>
    >>Sounds like something the local skateboarders would do for fun.

    >
    >
    > So you've met them too? <g>
    >

    I've had a good dose of them. I even built a half pipe for a bunch of
    them. It'd be just like them to want to taze themselves as the olly'ed
    off the roof.
     
    =?ISO-8859-1?Q?R=F4g=EAr?=, May 19, 2006
    #4
  5. Gary G. Taylor

    fred37 Guest

    On Thu, 18 May 2006 21:56:38 GMT, "Gary G. Taylor"
    <> wrote:

    >I DID NOT WRITE THIS. I ran across it in 0.verizon.discussioin.general (a
    >group carried only on Verizon's servers) and it was so frickin funny I had
    >to repost it here. Enjoy.

    snip
    >=================
    > I'm still looking for my testicles! I'm
    >offering a significant reward for their safe return.
    >
    >
    >--
    >sholzy
    >http://linuxconnection.org


    Too damn funny.
    Thanks
    Fred
    "Don't look back, you're not going that way."
    Thanks Bev.
     
    fred37, May 19, 2006
    #5
    1. Advertising

Want to reply to this thread or ask your own question?

It takes just 2 minutes to sign up (and it's free!). Just click the sign up button to choose a username and then you can ask your own questions on the forum.
Similar Threads
  1. Thinking of Buying MCSE

    Thinking of Buying MCSE

    Thinking of Buying MCSE, Dec 26, 2003, in forum: MCSE
    Replies:
    9
    Views:
    698
    Well Wisher
    Dec 30, 2003
  2. david kelly
    Replies:
    1
    Views:
    329
    Dave Herzstein
    Nov 11, 2003
  3. Steven C \(Doktersteve\)

    WHY?!? Why am i thinking i need an SLR, and thinking of going 35mm?

    Steven C \(Doktersteve\), Jan 19, 2004, in forum: Digital Photography
    Replies:
    13
    Views:
    650
    Greg Campbell
    Feb 13, 2004
  4. Marshall Schuon

    Thinking of buying an Olympus C770 ...

    Marshall Schuon, Nov 29, 2004, in forum: Digital Photography
    Replies:
    5
    Views:
    338
    Christopher Pollard
    Nov 30, 2004
  5. nut

    More taser fun

    nut, Aug 8, 2010, in forum: Computer Support
    Replies:
    0
    Views:
    382
Loading...

Share This Page