The Kursk disaster

Discussion in 'Computer Support' started by Me, Nov 16, 2004.

  1. Me

    Me Guest

    What Really Happened To The Kursk.....

    Some new information has come to light over the Kursk disaster. For those
    with short attention spans, the Kursk was the submarine that blew up and
    sank killing all 118 on board. The Russians tried to blame the incident on a
    collision with an unidentified object. However, sonar tapes which recorded
    the blasts (a small one at first, then a much larger one two minutes later)
    cast doubt on these claims. A whistle blower within the Russian military has
    leaked that the crew of the Kursk was testing a new type of torpedo when the
    accident occurred. It seemed very likely that the test didn't go quite as
    planned.

    While rescue efforts to save the survivors of the Kursk failed, salvage
    crews were able to recover a 'Black Box' from the submarine which contained
    detailed accounts of the events leading up to the explosion. As luck would
    have it, we got a copy of those tapes.

    It turns out that the submarine crew was trying to load Microsoft Windows on
    their fire control computer. Their intent was to replace the aging CP/M
    operating system with the flashier Windows OS. Apparently, the Russians
    didn't know about the legendary stability problems exhibited by Windows. The
    log tapes make this painfully obvious:

    Captain: Is the new fire control Windows OS installed yet?

    Seaman: Almost Sir. We just need to finish filling out the registration
    card.

    Captain: Excellent. Soon we will be able to point and click our enemies into
    oblivion.

    [evil laughter in background]

    Seaman: Captain! It is booting! Look, it says "Preparing to run Windows for
    the first time".

    [long pause]

    Seaman: Arrgh! Sir, it wants me to reboot again. That makes the 27th time.

    Captain: Hmmm. This is not encouraging. Go ahead and reboot again.

    Seaman: Aye Sir.

    [another long pause]

    Seaman: Captain, it is up again. It says it found new hardware ... A CD-ROM
    drive and that it needs drivers.

    Captain: Where are the drivers?

    Seaman: On the CD-ROM.

    Captain: You are joking, right?

    Seaman: No Sir.

    Captain: Reboot the damn thing again. I am starting not to like this
    Windows.

    [another long pause]

    Seaman: Sir! It is back! It says it found the Gorby2000 Torpedo and is
    looking for the device drivers. Do we have a driver disk?

    Captain: I do not think so.

    Seaman: I will tell it to use the default drivers.

    [another long pause]

    Seaman: Crap. It wants to reboot again.

    Captain: How many times are we going to reboot today? This is taking
    forever. Our hull is going to rust out before this works.

    [another long pause]

    Seaman: Sir! It is up and this time it is not asking for anything!

    Captain: Really? No device drivers? No registration cards? No user profiles?

    Seaman: No Sir. I think it is ready.

    Captain: Good work. Now click on the Fire Control Icon and let us see how
    this works.

    Seaman: Clicking now, Sir.

    [another long pause]

    Captain: Why does the fire control screen have a dancing paper clip on it?

    Seaman: I have no idea Sir.

    Captain: Hmmm, well try clicking on the menu.

    Seaman: Aye Sir. Let us see; Open E-mail, Spam a friend, Mail a Virus, Fire
    a Torpedo.

    Captain: We will spam a friend later. Let us fire a torpedo.

    Seaman: Aye Sir.

    [another long pause]

    Seaman: It is asking us to load the torpedo and to click when ready.

    Captain: Torpedo room, load a torpedo in tube number 1!

    [Intercom:] This is the Torpedo room. The torpedo is loaded Sir.

    Captain: Click on the continue button.

    Seaman: Aye Sir.

    [another long pause]

    Seaman: It is asking for a target Sir.

    Captain: Hmmm, target the Rainbow Warrior.

    Seaman: Aye Sir. Damn! It says the torpedo is low on ink.

    Captain: Click ignore. We will get some ink when we return to base.

    Seaman: Aye Sir. We are ready to fire.

    Captain: Very good. You may fire when ready.

    Seaman: Firing torpedo Sir.

    [another really long pause]

    Captain: Well?

    Seaman: I am trying Sir. Nothing is happening. Wait a minute...

    [A loud explosion is heard in the background followed by screaming on
    intercom]

    Captain: WTF was that?!?!?

    Seaman: Captain! A new screen has appeared! "Outlook Express Fire Control
    has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down. Click 'OK' to
    continue."

    Seaman: Oh my God! The paper clip has died! What should I do?

    Captain: Shut it down! Shut it down!

    Seaman: It is not responding Sir!

    Captain: Try 'CTRL-ALT-DELETE'!

    Seaman: Aye Sir. We are in luck! The task manager is still operating. I am
    instructing the Task Manager to shut down Outlook Fire Control.

    [another long pause]

    Seaman: The task manager says that Outlook Fire Control is not responding.

    Captain: Well no ****. Tell it to 'End Task'.

    Seaman: Nothing is happening Sir.

    Captain: Try 'CTRL-ALT-DELETE' again.

    Seaman: Aye Sir.

    [sounds of frantic pecking on keyboard.]

    Seaman: Oooh! What a pretty blue screen!

    Captain: Holy ****! Not the Blue Screen of Dea....

    [ KABLAM! A really big explosion. More screaming and the sound of rushing
    water.]



    The tape ends at this point. During the week long rescue effort, divers
    reported hearing tapping in the form of Morse code coming from survivors
    inside the damaged sub. The rescuers couldn't understand why a group of men
    would spend the last of their strength tapping out "WINDOWS SUCKS" in Morse
    code. The tapes of the last moments of the Kursk may offer some insight into
    this.
     
    Me, Nov 16, 2004
    #1
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  2. Me

    Ionizer Guest

    "Me" <> wrote in message
    news:1100567010.SEDjD1yZWR5EPhnsWf3mzA@teranews...
    > What Really Happened To The Kursk.....
    >
    > Some new information has come to light over the Kursk disaster. For

    those
    > with short attention spans,


    My attention span is way too short to suffer through that much drivel.

    --
    Ian.
     
    Ionizer, Nov 16, 2004
    #2
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  3. Me

    Unk Guest

    On Mon, 15 Nov 2004 20:18:38 -0500, "Ionizer" <> wrote:

    >"Me" <> wrote in message
    >news:1100567010.SEDjD1yZWR5EPhnsWf3mzA@teranews...
    >> What Really Happened To The Kursk.....
    >>
    >> Some new information has come to light over the Kursk disaster. For

    >those
    >> with short attention spans,

    >
    >My attention span is way too short to suffer through that much drivel.


    Then you missed a funny story.
     
    Unk, Nov 16, 2004
    #3
  4. Me wrote:

    > What Really Happened To The Kursk.....


    <snip>

    Outstanding! :)

    --
    Blinky Linux Registered User 297263

    Go Blue -- beat Ohio State and it's off to the Rose Bowl again.
     
    Blinky the Shark, Nov 16, 2004
    #4
  5. Me

    Ionizer Guest

    "Unk" <> wrote in message
    news:...
    > On Mon, 15 Nov 2004 20:18:38 -0500, "Ionizer" <> wrote:
    >
    > Then you missed a funny story.


    I didn't miss it but I thought it went on way too long for it's own good,
    what with brevity being the soul of wit and all that.

    Regards,
    Ian.
     
    Ionizer, Nov 16, 2004
    #5
  6. Me

    PJB Guest

    "Unk" <> wrote in message
    news:...
    > On Mon, 15 Nov 2004 20:18:38 -0500, "Ionizer" <> wrote:
    >
    > >"Me" <> wrote in message
    > >news:1100567010.SEDjD1yZWR5EPhnsWf3mzA@teranews...
    > >> What Really Happened To The Kursk.....
    > >>
    > >> Some new information has come to light over the Kursk disaster. For

    > >those
    > >> with short attention spans,

    > >
    > >My attention span is way too short to suffer through that much drivel.

    >
    > Then you missed a funny story.


    I agree, it might have been yet another MS rant, but it had me laughing fit
    to drop ;-)

    P.
     
    PJB, Nov 16, 2004
    #6
  7. Me

    ImhoTech Guest

    "PJB" <> wrote in message
    news:...
    >
    >
    > I agree, it might have been yet another MS rant, but it had me laughing
    > fit
    > to drop ;-)
    >
    > P.
    >
    >


    You apparently are very easily entertained.
     
    ImhoTech, Nov 16, 2004
    #7
  8. Me

    Old Gringo Guest

    Me wrote:
    > What Really Happened To The


    It was fun but could have been put in a more hypothetical situation.
    --
    Old Gringo George
    Just West Of Nowhere
    Enjoy Life And Live It To Its Fullest
    Freedom For The World <http://www.nuboy-industries.com/>
     
    Old Gringo, Nov 16, 2004
    #8
  9. Me

    anthonyberet Guest

    "PJB" <> wrote in message
    news:...
    >
    > "Unk" <> wrote in message
    > news:...
    > > On Mon, 15 Nov 2004 20:18:38 -0500, "Ionizer" <> wrote:
    > >
    > > >"Me" <> wrote in message
    > > >news:1100567010.SEDjD1yZWR5EPhnsWf3mzA@teranews...
    > > >> What Really Happened To The Kursk.....
    > > >>
    > > >> Some new information has come to light over the Kursk disaster. For
    > > >those
    > > >> with short attention spans,
    > > >
    > > >My attention span is way too short to suffer through that much drivel.

    > >
    > > Then you missed a funny story.

    >
    > I agree, it might have been yet another MS rant, but it had me laughing

    fit
    > to drop ;-)
    >

    hmmm, it was a bit tasteless...
     
    anthonyberet, Nov 17, 2004
    #9
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