OT proper etiquette

Discussion in 'MCSE' started by Consultant, Aug 27, 2003.

  1. Consultant

    Consultant Guest

    HOW TO POOP AT WORK

    We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back
    in our cubicles (or offices) and suddenly felt something brewing down below.
    As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is
    inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival
    Guide for taking a dump at work.


    CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk briskly around the office so
    the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but
    doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop
    until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure
    the smell has left your pants.


    FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and
    check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come
    back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become
    suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.


    ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or
    forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of
    embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it
    did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal,
    pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable
    for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.


    JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine
    gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this
    should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the
    bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.


    COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop
    hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up
    the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.


    WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after
    you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment
    if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that
    the smell does not exist...... can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY
    FLUSH.


    OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: A colleague who poops at work and is darn
    proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the
    bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look
    around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the
    bathroom.


    SAFE HAVENS: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where
    you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the
    opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the
    bathroom.


    TURD BURGLAR: Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall
    and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and
    vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this
    occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will
    avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.


    CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the
    bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON,
    or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction
    with an ASTAIRE.


    ASTAIRE: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd
    Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the
    stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so
    the pooper can poop in peace.


    WATERMELON: A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet
    water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon
    coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.


    HAVANA OMELET: A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud
    splashes in the toilet water..... often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using
    Camo-Cough with an Astaire.


    UNCLE TED: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could
    spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot.
    An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should
    always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as
    the other bathroom attendees.



    --
    Consultant, MCNGP Founding Father
    www.mcngp.tk
     
    Consultant, Aug 27, 2003
    #1
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