OT Humour: Tech Support Fees

Discussion in 'A+ Certification' started by Rick Blythin, Jul 31, 2003.

  1. Rick Blythin

    Rick Blythin Guest

    Hey all just came across this and thought some of you might enjoy it ! ;)

    Cheers
    Rick
    --


    Notice: NEW TECH SUPPORT FEES BY INCIDENT:

    All future Tech Support requests will be charged according to the following
    Fees Chart:
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Calling me with a question - $10

    Calling me with a stupid question - $20

    Calling me with a stupid question you can't quite articulate - $30

    Implying I'm incompetent because I can't interpret your inarticulate problem
    description - $200 + punitive damages

    Questions received via phone without first trying help desk - $10

    Questions where answer is in the user's manual - $100

    Calling me back with the same problem *after* I fix it once - $100

    Insisting that you're not breaking the software, the problem is on my end
    somehow - $200

    Asking me to walk over to your building to fix the problem - $5/step

    Asking me to drive to another town to fix your problem - $50/mile+gas

    If you interrupt me while I was trying to actually fix somebody else's
    problem - $45/hr

    If you try to hang around and get me to fix it now - $50/hr

    If you expect me to tell you how I fixed it - $60/hr

    If you've come to ask me why something isn't working that I'm currently
    working on - $70/hr

    If you're asking me to fix something I fixed for you yesterday - $75/hr

    If you're asking me to fix something I told you I fixed yesterday, but never
    actually did fix - $85/hr

    If you're asking me to fix a quick patch that I made that didn't work -
    $95/hr

    If you're bugging me while there's someone else in the room who could have
    done it for you - $150/hr

    Making me trek to your office to fix your problem then leaving immediately
    after hanging up the phone - $1500

    Calling up with a problem which "everybody" in the office is having and
    which is "stopping all work." Not being there when I rush over to look at it
    and nobody else in the office knows anything about it. - $1700

    Explaining a problem for 1/2 hour over the phone BEFORE mentioning it's your
    personal machine at home - $500

    Self-diagnosing your problem and informing me what to do - $150

    Having me bail you out when you perform your own repairs I told you not to
    do - $300

    Not telling all of your co-workers about it - $850

    Figuring out you mean floppy drive when you say hard drive - $50

    AFTER I order your replacement hard drive - $250

    Fixing your "broken" mouse with a mousepad - $25

    Fixing your "broken" optical mouse by rotating the mousepad 90 degrees - $35

    Fixing a "broken" mouse by cleaning the rollers - $50

    Fixing your "broken" printer with an ink/toner cartridge - $35

    Fixing your "broken" ANYTHING with the power button - $250

    Fixing the "crashed" system by turning the external disk back on - $200

    Fixing the "hung" system by plugging the Ethernet transceiver back in - $375

    Fixing the crashed nameserver by plugging back in the SCSI cord someone
    accidentally yanked out on Friday afternoon when the 'real' sysadmin has
    just left for a two week vacation - $400

    Visiting your old university and fixing the broken PC by plugging the
    monitor lead back in - $50

    Explaining that you can't log in to some server because you don't have an
    account there - $10

    Explaining that you don't have an account on the machine you used to have an
    account on because you used it to try to break into the above server - $500

    Forgetting your password after it was tattooed on your index finger - $25

    Changing memory partitions without informing me first - $50

    Installing programs without informing me /getting permission first - $100
    per program

    Technical support for the above programs - $150 per hour (regardless of
    whether I know the program or not :))

    Spilling coke on keyboard - $25 plus cost of keyboard

    Spilling coke on monitor - $50 plus cost of monitor

    Spilling coke on CPU - $200 plus cost of motherboard swap plus hourly rate
    of $150 per hour spent reinstalling the system

    Leaving a machine without logging off first- $10 per hour

    Cleaning the mouse with spit and sleeve - $50 plus cost of shirt sleeve, and
    Coke used to provide spit

    Chewing on the end of the graphic tablet stylus - $25

    Spending 30 minutes trying to figure out what your problem is, and another 5
    explaining how to verify and fix it, only to hear you say... "So that's what
    the little box that popped up on my screen was telling me to do!" - $40

    Listening to your network troubles, suggesting that you check to see if you
    are plugged into the network jack, hearing yes, trying five other things,
    asking you to identify your plug type, listening to you drag furniture, and
    hearing a sheepish, "Oops. Never mind." - $35 (including discount for polite
    apology)

    Dealing with tech support requests for obviously pirated software - $25

    Dealing with "How can I get another copy of [obviously pirated software]?
    Mine just died." requests - $45

    Having to use the "We're really not the best people to talk to about that;
    why don't you try calling the number on the box in which you bought it?"
    line - $55

    Actually needing to explain copyright law to you after you failed to get the
    hint in the previous response - $95 (includes instructions for getting
    freeware replacements from the public file server)

    Having to point out anything that's on the wall in a typeface larger than 18
    points - $15

    If I made the sign - $45

    If I made the sign with handwritten letters - $90

    If it's in a 144 point font and taped to the front of the monitor - $75

    Reporting slow connection by passenger pigeon packets to MPEG archive in
    Outer Slobavia as a Internet Explorer/Netscape/Gopher/FTP client problem -
    $25

    Reporting it more than once - $50

    Reporting it more than once and implying slothfulness on tech support's
    inability to solve problem - $200

    Dealing with user who is (self-proclaimed) smarter than you are, but still
    calls every other day for help - $100/hour

    Dealing with computer hobbyists - $125/hour

    Questioning the other prices on the list - $50

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Late fee - 15% per month.
    Credit Cards not accepted.

    Thank you - Technical Support
     
    Rick Blythin, Jul 31, 2003
    #1
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