On a lighter ....errrr...<ducks>

Discussion in 'Computer Support' started by Bryan, Nov 11, 2004.

  1. Bryan

    Bryan Guest

    In the light of your failure to elect a suitable President of the USA and
    thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
    independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will
    resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other
    territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister
    (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until
    now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a
    minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and
    the Senate
    will be disbanded.

    A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you
    noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the
    following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

    1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then
    look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at
    just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be
    reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter
    'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to
    spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters.
    You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not
    'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise".
    You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh.
    You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with
    correct pronunciation.

    Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up
    "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler
    noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form
    of communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in
    the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language
    then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your
    vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

    2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on
    your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of
    the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".

    3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It
    really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney,
    upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to
    learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart"
    will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about
    regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in
    England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it
    Devonshire, all American
    States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

    4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the
    good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English
    characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf"
    will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who
    can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

    5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen",
    but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get
    confused and give up half way through.

    6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of
    football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.
    The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders
    may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no
    longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.
    Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult
    game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby
    (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for
    a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like
    nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by
    2005. You should stop playing
    baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series'
    for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you
    are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is
    understandable.
    Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called
    "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves,
    collector cards or hotdogs.

    7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if
    they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is
    a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians
    have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "5hit". You will no
    longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own
    or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because
    we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous
    items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in
    public.

    8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new
    national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

    9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own
    good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All
    road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving
    on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with
    immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts
    and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

    10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries
    are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85%
    of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not
    aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato
    chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in
    animal fat.

    The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm
    and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

    11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all
    tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be
    doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

    12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer
    at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be
    referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance
    will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known as "American
    Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine", with the
    exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product
    will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine".
    This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in
    Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

    13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you
    will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the
    former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and
    the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US
    gallon - get used to it).

    14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or
    therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that
    you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by
    adults.
    If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or
    speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

    15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

    Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to
    ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

    Thank you for your cooperation.



    Borrowed :)
     
    Bryan, Nov 11, 2004
    #1
    1. Advertising

  2. Bryan

    Forest Duck Guest

    "Bryan" <> wrote in message
    news:Doykd.945$...
    > In the light of your failure to elect a suitable President of the USA and
    > thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
    > independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
    > will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other
    > territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime
    > minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who
    > have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders)
    > will appoint a minister for America without the need for further
    > elections. Congress and the Senate
    > will be disbanded.
    >
    > A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of
    > you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the
    > following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
    >
    > 1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then
    > look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at
    > just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be
    > reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter
    > 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn
    > to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters.
    > You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not
    > 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise".
    > You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g.
    > Edinburgh.
    > You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope
    > with correct pronunciation.
    >
    > Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up
    > "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler
    > noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient
    > form of communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more
    > 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with
    > bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop
    > your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.
    >
    > 2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on
    > your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account
    > of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".
    >
    > 3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It
    > really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney,
    > upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to
    > learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as
    > "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking
    > about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in
    > England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it
    > Devonshire, all American
    > States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.
    >
    > 4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the
    > good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play
    > English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red
    > Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American
    > audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political
    > incorrectness.
    >
    > 5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen",
    > but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get
    > confused and give up half way through.
    >
    > 6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of
    > football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good
    > game.
    > The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders
    > may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no
    > longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.
    > Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a
    > difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to
    > play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve
    > stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body
    > armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby
    > sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing
    > baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series'
    > for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you
    > are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is
    > understandable.
    > Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called
    > "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves,
    > collector cards or hotdogs.
    >
    > 7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if
    > they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there
    > is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The
    > Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "5hit". You
    > will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be
    > allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable
    > peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle
    > potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to
    > carry a vegetable peeler in public.
    >
    > 8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new
    > national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".
    >
    > 9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your
    > own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
    > All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start
    > driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go
    > metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
    > Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of
    > humour.
    >
    > 10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries
    > are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though
    > 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are
    > not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling
    > potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and
    > fried in animal fat.
    >
    > The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm
    > and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
    >
    > 11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all
    > tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be
    > doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
    >
    > 12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
    > beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter
    > will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted
    > provenance will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known
    > as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's
    > Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser
    > company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's
    > Urine".
    > This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in
    > Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
    >
    > 13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you
    > will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the
    > former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA
    > and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US
    > gallon - get used to it).
    >
    > 14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers
    > or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows
    > that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be
    > handled by adults.
    > If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or
    > speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
    >
    > 15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
    >
    > Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to
    > ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
    >
    > Thank you for your cooperation.
    >
    >
    >
    > Borrowed :)
    >
    >In the words of a famous philosopher;

    errr, go feck thyself!
     
    Forest Duck, Nov 11, 2004
    #2
    1. Advertising

  3. Bryan

    Dan Evans Guest

    "Bryan" <> wrote in message
    news:Doykd.945$...
    > In the light of your failure to elect a suitable President of the USA and
    > thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
    > independence, effective today.


    It was funny 4 years ago when there was all the squabbling, this time round
    the arsehole was elected by a majority with on contest.

    Dan





    .................................................................
    Posted via TITANnews - Uncensored Newsgroups Access
    >>>> at http://www.TitanNews.com <<<<

    -=Every Newsgroup - Anonymous, UNCENSORED, BROADBAND Downloads=-
     
    Dan Evans, Nov 11, 2004
    #3
  4. Bryan

    Old Gringo Guest

    Bryan wrote:

    > Thank you for your cooperation.
    >
    >
    >
    > Borrowed :)
    >
    >

    Anud nouw wue havue a Mexican Attorney General so youu betteur learun
    houw to refruy pintuo beanus.

    --
    Old Gringo George
    Just West Of Nowhere
    Enjoy Life And Live It To Its Fullest
    Freedom For The World <http://www.nuboy-industries.com/>
     
    Old Gringo, Nov 11, 2004
    #4
  5. Bryan

    trout Guest

    Dan Evans wrote:

    > "Bryan" <> wrote in message
    > news:Doykd.945$...
    >> In the light of your failure to elect a suitable President of the
    >> USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the
    >> revocation of your independence, effective today.

    >
    > It was funny 4 years ago when there was all the squabbling, this time
    > round the arsehole was elected by a majority with on contest.
    >
    > Dan


    Is it only 4? Somehow, I thought this bit was older than that. I
    guess a lot of old jokes just *seem* that way.
    --
    "All right. Who hit 'undelete'?"
     
    trout, Nov 11, 2004
    #5
    1. Advertising

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