Oil change

Discussion in 'Computer Support' started by Gary G. Taylor, May 3, 2004.

  1. [stolen from another group]

    Oil Change Procedures FOR WOMEN

    1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last
    oil change.
    2) Drink a cup of coffee.
    3) 15 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly maintained
    vehicle.

    Money spent: Oil Change $20.00
    Coffee $1.00

    Total $21.00
    ------------------------------------
    Oil Change instructions FOR MEN:

    1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil,
    filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for
    $50.00.

    2) Stop by 7-11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00, drive
    home.

    3) Open a beer and drink it.

    4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

    5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

    6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

    7) Place drain pan under engine.

    8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

    9) Give up and use crescent wrench.

    10) Unscrew drain plug.

    11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on face and arms in
    process. Cuss.

    12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw
    kitty litter on spilled oil.

    13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.

    14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

    15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter
    and twist off.

    16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil
    everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash
    can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.

    17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil
    change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener work.

    18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan
    full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back
    yard instead of taking it to recycle.

    19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.

    20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.

    21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.

    22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to
    gasket surface.

    23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

    24) Remember drain plug from step 11.

    25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

    26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard along
    with drain plug.

    27) Drink beer.

    28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily patch
    of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawn mower
    gas.

    29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw
    kitty litter on oil spill.

    30) Drink beer.

    31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag
    used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain
    plug and bang knuckles on frame.

    32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.

    33) Begin cussing fit.

    34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.

    35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss August (2002) in
    the left boob.

    36) Beer.

    37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

    38) Beer.

    39) Beer.

    40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

    41) Beer.

    42) Lower car from jack stands.

    43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.

    44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during
    steps 23-43.

    45) Beer.

    46) Test drive car.

    47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

    48) Car gets impounded.

    49) Call loving wife, make bail.

    50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

    Money spent: Parts $50.00
    DUI $2500.00
    Impound fee $75.00
    Bail $1500.00
    Beer $40.00

    Total-- $4165.00 But you know the job was done right!

    --
    Gary G. Taylor * Rialto, CA
    gary at donavan dot org / http:// geetee dot donavan dot org
    "The two most abundant things in the universe
    are hydrogen and stupidity." --Harlan Ellison
     
    Gary G. Taylor, May 3, 2004
    #1
    1. Advertising

  2. Gary G. Taylor

    Scraggy Guest

    Really spooky.............

    Gary G. Taylor wrote:
    > [stolen from another group]
    >
    > Oil Change Procedures FOR WOMEN
    >
    > 1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since
    > the last oil change.
    > 2) Drink a cup of coffee.
    > 3) 15 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly maintained
    > vehicle.
    >
    > Money spent: Oil Change $20.00
    > Coffee $1.00
    >
    > Total $21.00
    > ------------------------------------
    > Oil Change instructions FOR MEN:
    >
    > 1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of
    > oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a
    > check for $50.00.
    >
    > 2) Stop by 7-11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00,
    > drive home.
    >
    > 3) Open a beer and drink it.
    >
    > 4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
    >
    > 5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
    >
    > 6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
    >
    > 7) Place drain pan under engine.
    >
    > 8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
    >
    > 9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
    >
    > 10) Unscrew drain plug.
    >
    > 11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on face and
    > arms in process. Cuss.
    >
    > 12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms.
    > Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
    >
    > 13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
    >
    > 14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
    >
    > 15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil
    > filter and twist off.
    >
    > 16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil
    > everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in
    > trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
    >
    > 17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil
    > change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener work.
    >
    > 18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change."
    > Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil
    > in hole in back yard instead of taking it to recycle.
    >
    > 19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
    >
    > 20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
    >
    > 21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
    >
    > 22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to
    > gasket surface.
    >
    > 23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
    >
    > 24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
    >
    > 25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
    >
    > 26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard
    > along with drain plug.
    >
    > 27) Drink beer.
    >
    > 28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily
    > patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in
    > lawn mower gas.
    >
    > 29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw
    > kitty litter on oil spill.
    >
    > 30) Drink beer.
    >
    > 31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with
    > oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench
    > tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
    >
    > 32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
    >
    > 33) Begin cussing fit.
    >
    > 34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
    >
    > 35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss August
    > (2002) in the left boob.
    >
    > 36) Beer.
    >
    > 37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood
    > flow.
    >
    > 38) Beer.
    >
    > 39) Beer.
    >
    > 40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
    >
    > 41) Beer.
    >
    > 42) Lower car from jack stands.
    >
    > 43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
    >
    > 44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled
    > during steps 23-43.
    >
    > 45) Beer.
    >
    > 46) Test drive car.
    >
    > 47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
    >
    > 48) Car gets impounded.
    >
    > 49) Call loving wife, make bail.
    >
    > 50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
    >
    > Money spent: Parts $50.00
    > DUI $2500.00
    > Impound fee $75.00
    > Bail $1500.00
    > Beer $40.00
    >
    > Total-- $4165.00 But you know the job was done right!
     
    Scraggy, May 3, 2004
    #2
    1. Advertising

  3. Gary G. Taylor

    William Hung Guest

    HARRRRRRRR!!!! Excellent...

    "Gary G. Taylor" <> wrote in message
    news:Yexlc.4973$...
    > [stolen from another group]
    >
    > Oil Change Procedures FOR WOMEN
    >
    > 1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the

    last
    > oil change.
    > 2) Drink a cup of coffee.
    > 3) 15 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly maintained
    > vehicle.
    >
    > Money spent: Oil Change $20.00
    > Coffee $1.00
    >
    > Total $21.00
    > ------------------------------------
    > Oil Change instructions FOR MEN:
    >
    > 1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil,
    > filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for
    > $50.00.
    >
    > 2) Stop by 7-11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00, drive
    > home.
    >
    > 3) Open a beer and drink it.
    >
    > 4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
    >
    > 5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
    >
    > 6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
    >
    > 7) Place drain pan under engine.
    >
    > 8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
    >
    > 9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
    >
    > 10) Unscrew drain plug.
    >
    > 11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on face and arms in
    > process. Cuss.
    >
    > 12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw
    > kitty litter on spilled oil.
    >
    > 13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
    >
    > 14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
    >
    > 15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter
    > and twist off.
    >
    > 16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil
    > everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash
    > can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
    >
    > 17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil
    > change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener work.
    >
    > 18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan
    > full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back
    > yard instead of taking it to recycle.
    >
    > 19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
    >
    > 20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
    >
    > 21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
    >
    > 22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to
    > gasket surface.
    >
    > 23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
    >
    > 24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
    >
    > 25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
    >
    > 26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard along
    > with drain plug.
    >
    > 27) Drink beer.
    >
    > 28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily patch
    > of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawn mower
    > gas.
    >
    > 29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw
    > kitty litter on oil spill.
    >
    > 30) Drink beer.
    >
    > 31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily

    rag
    > used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening

    drain
    > plug and bang knuckles on frame.
    >
    > 32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
    >
    > 33) Begin cussing fit.
    >
    > 34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
    >
    > 35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss August (2002)

    in
    > the left boob.
    >
    > 36) Beer.
    >
    > 37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood

    flow.
    >
    > 38) Beer.
    >
    > 39) Beer.
    >
    > 40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
    >
    > 41) Beer.
    >
    > 42) Lower car from jack stands.
    >
    > 43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
    >
    > 44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during
    > steps 23-43.
    >
    > 45) Beer.
    >
    > 46) Test drive car.
    >
    > 47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
    >
    > 48) Car gets impounded.
    >
    > 49) Call loving wife, make bail.
    >
    > 50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
    >
    > Money spent: Parts $50.00
    > DUI $2500.00
    > Impound fee $75.00
    > Bail $1500.00
    > Beer $40.00
    >
    > Total-- $4165.00 But you know the job was done right!
    >
    > --
    > Gary G. Taylor * Rialto, CA
    > gary at donavan dot org / http:// geetee dot donavan dot org
    > "The two most abundant things in the universe
    > are hydrogen and stupidity." --Harlan Ellison
     
    William Hung, May 3, 2004
    #3
  4. Gary G. Taylor

    Paddy Guest

    Didn't know you need oil changes in your PC!
    Must be a real old one!
    "Scraggy" <> wrote in message
    news:p...
    > Really spooky.............
    >
    > Gary G. Taylor wrote:
    > > [stolen from another group]
    > >
    > > Oil Change Procedures FOR WOMEN
    > >
    > > 1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since
    > > the last oil change.
    > > 2) Drink a cup of coffee.
    > > 3) 15 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly maintained
    > > vehicle.
    > >
    > > Money spent: Oil Change $20.00
    > > Coffee $1.00
    > >
    > > Total $21.00
    > > ------------------------------------
    > > Oil Change instructions FOR MEN:
    > >
    > > 1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of
    > > oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a
    > > check for $50.00.
    > >
    > > 2) Stop by 7-11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00,
    > > drive home.
    > >
    > > 3) Open a beer and drink it.
    > >
    > > 4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
    > >
    > > 5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
    > >
    > > 6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
    > >
    > > 7) Place drain pan under engine.
    > >
    > > 8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
    > >
    > > 9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
    > >
    > > 10) Unscrew drain plug.
    > >
    > > 11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on face and
    > > arms in process. Cuss.
    > >
    > > 12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms.
    > > Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
    > >
    > > 13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
    > >
    > > 14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
    > >
    > > 15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil
    > > filter and twist off.
    > >
    > > 16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil
    > > everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in
    > > trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
    > >
    > > 17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil
    > > change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener work.
    > >
    > > 18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change."
    > > Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil
    > > in hole in back yard instead of taking it to recycle.
    > >
    > > 19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
    > >
    > > 20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
    > >
    > > 21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
    > >
    > > 22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to
    > > gasket surface.
    > >
    > > 23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
    > >
    > > 24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
    > >
    > > 25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
    > >
    > > 26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard
    > > along with drain plug.
    > >
    > > 27) Drink beer.
    > >
    > > 28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily
    > > patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in
    > > lawn mower gas.
    > >
    > > 29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw
    > > kitty litter on oil spill.
    > >
    > > 30) Drink beer.
    > >
    > > 31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with
    > > oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench
    > > tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
    > >
    > > 32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
    > >
    > > 33) Begin cussing fit.
    > >
    > > 34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
    > >
    > > 35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss August
    > > (2002) in the left boob.
    > >
    > > 36) Beer.
    > >
    > > 37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood
    > > flow.
    > >
    > > 38) Beer.
    > >
    > > 39) Beer.
    > >
    > > 40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
    > >
    > > 41) Beer.
    > >
    > > 42) Lower car from jack stands.
    > >
    > > 43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
    > >
    > > 44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled
    > > during steps 23-43.
    > >
    > > 45) Beer.
    > >
    > > 46) Test drive car.
    > >
    > > 47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
    > >
    > > 48) Car gets impounded.
    > >
    > > 49) Call loving wife, make bail.
    > >
    > > 50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
    > >
    > > Money spent: Parts $50.00
    > > DUI $2500.00
    > > Impound fee $75.00
    > > Bail $1500.00
    > > Beer $40.00
    > >
    > > Total-- $4165.00 But you know the job was done right!

    >
    >
     
    Paddy, May 3, 2004
    #4
  5. Gary G. Taylor

    Norm Guest

    Yeah, baby!
     
    Norm, May 3, 2004
    #5
  6. Gary G. Taylor

    PuppyKatt Guest

    ROFLMAO - only because the procedures, as outlined below, is exactly
    correct.

    "Gary G. Taylor" <> wrote in message
    news:Yexlc.4973$...
    : [stolen from another group]
    :
    : Oil Change Procedures FOR WOMEN
    :
    : 1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the
    last
    : oil change.
    : 2) Drink a cup of coffee.
    : 3) 15 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly maintained
    : vehicle.
    :
    : Money spent: Oil Change $20.00
    : Coffee $1.00
    :
    : Total $21.00
    : ------------------------------------
    : Oil Change instructions FOR MEN:
    :
    : 1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of
    oil,
    : filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check
    for
    : $50.00.
    :
    : 2) Stop by 7-11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00,
    drive
    : home.
    :
    : 3) Open a beer and drink it.
    :
    : 4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
    :
    : 5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
    :
    : 6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
    :
    : 7) Place drain pan under engine.
    :
    : 8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
    :
    : 9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
    :
    : 10) Unscrew drain plug.
    :
    : 11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on face and arms
    in
    : process. Cuss.
    :
    : 12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms.
    Throw
    : kitty litter on spilled oil.
    :
    : 13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
    :
    : 14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
    :
    : 15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil
    filter
    : and twist off.
    :
    : 16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil
    : everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in
    trash
    : can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
    :
    : 17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil
    : change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener work.
    :
    : 18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag
    pan
    : full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in
    back
    : yard instead of taking it to recycle.
    :
    : 19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
    :
    : 20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
    :
    : 21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
    :
    : 22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to
    : gasket surface.
    :
    : 23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
    :
    : 24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
    :
    : 25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
    :
    : 26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard
    along
    : with drain plug.
    :
    : 27) Drink beer.
    :
    : 28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily
    patch
    : of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawn
    mower
    : gas.
    :
    : 29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw
    : kitty litter on oil spill.
    :
    : 30) Drink beer.
    :
    : 31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with
    oily rag
    : used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening
    drain
    : plug and bang knuckles on frame.
    :
    : 32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
    :
    : 33) Begin cussing fit.
    :
    : 34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
    :
    : 35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss August
    (2002) in
    : the left boob.
    :
    : 36) Beer.
    :
    : 37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood
    flow.
    :
    : 38) Beer.
    :
    : 39) Beer.
    :
    : 40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
    :
    : 41) Beer.
    :
    : 42) Lower car from jack stands.
    :
    : 43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
    :
    : 44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled
    during
    : steps 23-43.
    :
    : 45) Beer.
    :
    : 46) Test drive car.
    :
    : 47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
    :
    : 48) Car gets impounded.
    :
    : 49) Call loving wife, make bail.
    :
    : 50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
    :
    : Money spent: Parts $50.00
    : DUI $2500.00
    : Impound fee $75.00
    : Bail $1500.00
    : Beer $40.00
    :
    : Total-- $4165.00 But you know the job was done right!
    :
    : --
    : Gary G. Taylor * Rialto, CA
    : gary at donavan dot org / http:// geetee dot donavan dot org
    : "The two most abundant things in the universe
    : are hydrogen and stupidity." --Harlan Ellison
     
    PuppyKatt, May 3, 2004
    #6
  7. Gary G. Taylor

    Linda Guest

    This is the 21st century. Credit cards are so much easier.

    "Gary G. Taylor" <> wrote in message
    news:Yexlc.4973$...
    > [stolen from another group]
    >
    > Oil Change Procedures FOR WOMEN
    >
    > 1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000

    miles since the last
    > oil change.
    > 2) Drink a cup of coffee.
    > 3) 15 minutes later write a check and leave with a

    properly maintained
    > vehicle.
    >
    > Money spent: Oil Change $20.00
    > Coffee $1.00
    >
    > Total $21.00
    > ------------------------------------
    > Oil Change instructions FOR MEN:
    >
    > 1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy

    a case of oil,
    > filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree,

    write a check for
    > $50.00.
    >
    > 2) Stop by 7-11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for

    $20.00, drive
    > home.
    >
    > 3) Open a beer and drink it.
    >
    > 4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
    >
    > 5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
    >
    > 6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
    >
    > 7) Place drain pan under engine.
    >
    > 8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
    >
    > 9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
    >
    > 10) Unscrew drain plug.
    >
    > 11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on

    face and arms in
    > process. Cuss.
    >
    > 12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face

    and arms. Throw
    > kitty litter on spilled oil.
    >
    > 13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
    >
    > 14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
    >
    > 15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver

    through oil filter
    > and twist off.
    >
    > 16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter

    splashing oil
    > everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among

    trash in trash
    > can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
    >
    > 17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide

    to finish oil
    > change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door

    opener work.
    >
    > 18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil

    change." Drag pan
    > full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil

    in hole in back
    > yard instead of taking it to recycle.
    >
    > 19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
    >
    > 20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
    >
    > 21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
    >
    > 22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin

    coat of oil to
    > gasket surface.
    >
    > 23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
    >
    > 24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
    >
    > 25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
    >
    > 26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the

    back yard along
    > with drain plug.
    >
    > 27) Drink beer.
    >
    > 28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug.

    Re-shovel oily patch
    > of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain

    plug in lawn mower
    > gas.
    >
    > 29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the

    floor. Throw
    > kitty litter on oil spill.
    >
    > 30) Drink beer.
    >
    > 31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe

    eyes with oily rag
    > used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench

    tightening drain
    > plug and bang knuckles on frame.
    >
    > 32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
    >
    > 33) Begin cussing fit.
    >
    > 34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
    >
    > 35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss

    August (2002) in
    > the left boob.
    >
    > 36) Beer.
    >
    > 37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to

    stop blood flow.
    >
    > 38) Beer.
    >
    > 39) Beer.
    >
    > 40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
    >
    > 41) Beer.
    >
    > 42) Lower car from jack stands.
    >
    > 43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
    >
    > 44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil

    spilled during
    > steps 23-43.
    >
    > 45) Beer.
    >
    > 46) Test drive car.
    >
    > 47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the

    influence.
    >
    > 48) Car gets impounded.
    >
    > 49) Call loving wife, make bail.
    >
    > 50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
    >
    > Money spent: Parts $50.00
    > DUI $2500.00
    > Impound fee $75.00
    > Bail $1500.00
    > Beer $40.00
    >
    > Total-- $4165.00 But you know the job was done right!
    >
    > --
    > Gary G. Taylor * Rialto, CA
    > gary at donavan dot org / http:// geetee dot donavan dot

    org
    > "The two most abundant things in the universe
    > are hydrogen and stupidity." --Harlan Ellison
     
    Linda, May 4, 2004
    #7
  8. Gary G. Taylor

    Toolman Tim Guest

    And since all they *really* wanted was the beer in the first place, why the
    excuse about the oil change? Just go drink the stinking beer!

    "Linda" <somewhere.in.the@barossa> wrote in message
    news:8IBlc.10286$...
    > This is the 21st century. Credit cards are so much easier.
    >
    > "Gary G. Taylor" <> wrote in message
    > news:Yexlc.4973$...
    > > [stolen from another group]
    > >
    > > Oil Change Procedures FOR WOMEN
    > >
    > > 1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000

    > miles since the last
    > > oil change.
    > > 2) Drink a cup of coffee.
    > > 3) 15 minutes later write a check and leave with a

    > properly maintained
    > > vehicle.
    > >
    > > Money spent: Oil Change $20.00
    > > Coffee $1.00
    > >
    > > Total $21.00
    > > ------------------------------------
    > > Oil Change instructions FOR MEN:
    > >
    > > 1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy

    > a case of oil,
    > > filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree,

    > write a check for
    > > $50.00.
    > >
    > > 2) Stop by 7-11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for

    > $20.00, drive
    > > home.
    > >
    > > 3) Open a beer and drink it.
    > >
    > > 4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
    > >
    > > 5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
    > >
    > > 6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
    > >
    > > 7) Place drain pan under engine.
    > >
    > > 8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
    > >
    > > 9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
    > >
    > > 10) Unscrew drain plug.
    > >
    > > 11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on

    > face and arms in
    > > process. Cuss.
    > >
    > > 12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face

    > and arms. Throw
    > > kitty litter on spilled oil.
    > >
    > > 13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
    > >
    > > 14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
    > >
    > > 15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver

    > through oil filter
    > > and twist off.
    > >
    > > 16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter

    > splashing oil
    > > everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among

    > trash in trash
    > > can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
    > >
    > > 17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide

    > to finish oil
    > > change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door

    > opener work.
    > >
    > > 18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil

    > change." Drag pan
    > > full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil

    > in hole in back
    > > yard instead of taking it to recycle.
    > >
    > > 19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
    > >
    > > 20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
    > >
    > > 21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
    > >
    > > 22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin

    > coat of oil to
    > > gasket surface.
    > >
    > > 23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
    > >
    > > 24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
    > >
    > > 25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
    > >
    > > 26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the

    > back yard along
    > > with drain plug.
    > >
    > > 27) Drink beer.
    > >
    > > 28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug.

    > Re-shovel oily patch
    > > of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain

    > plug in lawn mower
    > > gas.
    > >
    > > 29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the

    > floor. Throw
    > > kitty litter on oil spill.
    > >
    > > 30) Drink beer.
    > >
    > > 31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe

    > eyes with oily rag
    > > used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench

    > tightening drain
    > > plug and bang knuckles on frame.
    > >
    > > 32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
    > >
    > > 33) Begin cussing fit.
    > >
    > > 34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
    > >
    > > 35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss

    > August (2002) in
    > > the left boob.
    > >
    > > 36) Beer.
    > >
    > > 37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to

    > stop blood flow.
    > >
    > > 38) Beer.
    > >
    > > 39) Beer.
    > >
    > > 40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
    > >
    > > 41) Beer.
    > >
    > > 42) Lower car from jack stands.
    > >
    > > 43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
    > >
    > > 44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil

    > spilled during
    > > steps 23-43.
    > >
    > > 45) Beer.
    > >
    > > 46) Test drive car.
    > >
    > > 47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the

    > influence.
    > >
    > > 48) Car gets impounded.
    > >
    > > 49) Call loving wife, make bail.
    > >
    > > 50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
    > >
    > > Money spent: Parts $50.00
    > > DUI $2500.00
    > > Impound fee $75.00
    > > Bail $1500.00
    > > Beer $40.00
    > >
    > > Total-- $4165.00 But you know the job was done right!
    > >
    > > --
    > > Gary G. Taylor * Rialto, CA
    > > gary at donavan dot org / http:// geetee dot donavan dot

    > org
    > > "The two most abundant things in the universe
    > > are hydrogen and stupidity." --Harlan Ellison

    >
    >
     
    Toolman Tim, May 4, 2004
    #8
  9. Gary G. Taylor

    Bob_R Guest

    Got my Oil Change CD right here. Put it in the car's CD-player and let it
    walk me through the steps?
    (Didn't Symantec buy them out?)
    ;-)

    "Gary G. Taylor" <> wrote in message
    news:Yexlc.4973$...
    > [stolen from another group]
    >
    > Oil Change Procedures
     
    Bob_R, May 4, 2004
    #9
    1. Advertising

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