More things to brighten your day..

Discussion in 'NZ Computing' started by The GHOST of WOGER., Jun 15, 2004.

  1. IN AN AUCKLAND WINZ OFFICE ...

    A patch wearing Mongrel Mob member walked into a local Auckland winz
    office, and stomped straight up to the counter and said, Hey bro, I
    hate living on the dole eh. I wanna find a job.

    The fella behind the counter replied, "Your timing is amazing. We have
    just got a job from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard
    for his sex mad daughter.
    You will have to drive around in a big blackMercedes, but the suits, shirts,
    and ties are provided. Because there are long hours in this job, meals will
    be
    provided and you will also be required to escort the young lady on her
    overseas holidays. The salary package is $200,000 a year."

    The mobster picked his jaw up off the floor and said "You're bull
    shitting me bro!"

    The man behind the counter said, Well, you started it!"

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Another Blonde Joke.


    A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car
    and was pulled over by a woman police officer that was also a blonde.
    The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through
    her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it
    look like" she finally asked.
    The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."
    The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it=20
    to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.
    The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,
    "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop.


    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Subject: something for monday

    A woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic.

    He asks, "What for?"

    She says, "I want to kill my husband"

    He says, "Sorry, I can't do that."

    She then reaches into her handbag and pulls out a photo of her husband in
    bed with the pharmacist's wife and hands it to him.

    He says, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription..."



    HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN
    1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to
    lights and darks.

    2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along
    the way, cover up any exposed areas.

    3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do
    more sit - ups.

    4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah,
    wide loofah, and pumice stone.

    5. Wash you hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added
    vitamins.

    6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

    7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with
    natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.

    8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until
    red.

    9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

    10. Rinse conditioner off hair.

    11. Shave armpits and legs.

    12. Turn off shower.

    13. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.

    14. Get of shower. Dry with towel the size of small country. Wrap hair
    super absorbent towel.

    15. Check entire body for zits, tweeze hairs.

    16. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

    17. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.


    B. HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN

    1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in
    a pile.

    2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener
    at her making the 'woo - woo' sound.

    3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your
    wiener and scratch your ass.

    4. Get in the shower.

    5. Wash your face.

    6. Wash your armpits.

    7. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

    8. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound
    in the shower.

    9. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding areas.

    10. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.

    11. Shampoo your hair.

    12. Make shampoo mohawk.

    13. Pee.

    14. Rinse off and get out of shower

    15. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was
    hanging out of tub the whole time.

    16. Admire wiener size in mirror

    17. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

    18. Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass wife, pull
    of towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo - woo' sound again.

    19. Throw wet towel on bed.





    The Mistress:
    A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this
    absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the
    husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks
    away. The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?"
    "Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress." "Well, that's the last
    straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!" "I can
    understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce
    it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in
    Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more BMW in the garage and no more
    yacht club. But the decision is yours." Just then, a mutual friend enters
    the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. "Who's that woman with
    Him?" asks the wife. "That's his mistress," says her husband. "Ours is
    prettier," she replies.
    The GHOST of WOGER., Jun 15, 2004
    #1
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  2. The GHOST of WOGER. wrote:
    > IN AN AUCKLAND WINZ OFFICE ...
    > [...]


    Thanks, Roger! There were some good ones in there I hadn't heard yet...
    forwarded them on to my address book :).

    Cheers,
    Nicholas Sherlock
    Nicholas Sherlock, Jun 15, 2004
    #2
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  3. The GHOST of WOGER.

    ~misfit~ Guest

    Nicholas Sherlock wrote:
    > The GHOST of WOGER. wrote:
    >> IN AN AUCKLAND WINZ OFFICE ...
    >> [...]

    >
    > Thanks, Roger! There were some good ones in there I hadn't heard
    > yet... forwarded them on to my address book :).


    Is this one of the very few times I wish I didn't have woger in my killfile?
    --
    ~misfit~


    ---
    Outgoing mail is certified Virus Free.
    Checked by AVG anti-virus system (http://www.grisoft.com).
    Version: 6.0.706 / Virus Database: 462 - Release Date: 14/06/2004
    ~misfit~, Jun 16, 2004
    #3
  4. The GHOST of WOGER.

    Dogg Guest

    On Wed, 16 Jun 2004 11:01:48 +1200, "~misfit~"
    <> wrote:

    <snip>

    >Is this one of the very few times I wish I didn't have woger in my killfile?


    I wouldn't go that far...
    Dogg, Jun 16, 2004
    #4
  5. The GHOST of WOGER.

    cowboyz Guest

    ~misfit~ wrote:
    > Nicholas Sherlock wrote:
    >> The GHOST of WOGER. wrote:
    >>> IN AN AUCKLAND WINZ OFFICE ...
    >>> [...]

    >>
    >> Thanks, Roger! There were some good ones in there I hadn't heard
    >> yet... forwarded them on to my address book :).

    >
    > Is this one of the very few times I wish I didn't have woger in my
    > killfile?



    No.
    cowboyz, Jun 16, 2004
    #5
  6. The GHOST of WOGER.

    ~misfit~ Guest

    cowboyz wrote:
    > ~misfit~ wrote:
    >> Nicholas Sherlock wrote:
    >>> The GHOST of WOGER. wrote:
    >>>> IN AN AUCKLAND WINZ OFFICE ...
    >>>> [...]
    >>>
    >>> Thanks, Roger! There were some good ones in there I hadn't heard
    >>> yet... forwarded them on to my address book :).

    >>
    >> Is this one of the very few times I wish I didn't have woger in my
    >> killfile?

    >
    >
    > No.


    LOL, Cool.
    --
    ~misfit~


    ---
    Outgoing mail is certified Virus Free.
    Checked by AVG anti-virus system (http://www.grisoft.com).
    Version: 6.0.706 / Virus Database: 462 - Release Date: 14/06/2004
    ~misfit~, Jun 16, 2004
    #6
  7. The GHOST of WOGER.

    G.Force Guest

    ~misfit~ wrote:
    > Nicholas Sherlock wrote:
    >
    >>The GHOST of WOGER. wrote:
    >>
    >>> IN AN AUCKLAND WINZ OFFICE ...
    >>>[...]

    >>
    >>Thanks, Roger! There were some good ones in there I hadn't heard
    >>yet... forwarded them on to my address book :).

    >
    >
    > Is this one of the very few times I wish I didn't have woger in my killfile?


    Only if you want to start seeing off-topic crap again :)
    G.Force, Jun 16, 2004
    #7
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