I got refused by an RPG - where did I go wrong?

Discussion in 'NZ Computing' started by mpelleas@yahoo.co.uk, Dec 11, 2006.

  1. Guest

    I may well live to regret posting this but what the hell, it's only
    real life.

    I thought I would join the Tranquility Star RPG, mainly because I liked
    the podcast & the concept looked good. I figured I would sign up as
    Merkin, from Effertroy, an indeterminate place ruled by the Principal
    of Uncertainty.

    So I filled the application form and when I got to the bit about
    showing them who I was and what I was like...

    Where will you fit into the ship's complement - as crew, or passenger?
    What is your age on board, and what is your gender?

    Third Officer (or fourth, fifth or whatever is free)
    Second passenger (see above) over 25
    Third Officer (or fourth, fifth or whatever is free)
    Male, I think, based on having almost no female parts that I am willing
    to talk about here.


    Describe what your character looks like. You might wish to mention
    their height, weight, skin tone, eye and hair colour, or if they have
    any distinguishing marks

    Bipedal, pinkish brown skin with interesting moles, large green eyes,
    large round brown ears that can swivel round to hear thru bulkheads and
    between decks and weeks.

    Effertrovians have two navels, tho only one is in use at any one time.

    Effertrovians have three buttocks, which is difficult to come to terms
    with, let alone describe. It need not be mentioned again.

    Large, not smelly feet, tho the knees are sometimes a bit whiffy.

    Height around 1m.93, weight around 75 kg.

    Effertrovians do not grow any body hair, but are in the habit of
    wearing complicated wigs to conceal this deficiency from other species
    - hence the name "merkin". http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Merkin.

    An Effertrovian's most erogenous zone is his or her ears, so they are
    traditionally covered in public with earwigs. Taking off the earwig is
    a polite way of indicating sensual interest in another person. It is
    very often not understood by other species because there are very few
    Effertrovians and we are mostly hung up on each other.

    As part of this attraction, Effertrovians will normally look first at
    the feet, and then the ears, of any being they meet. This is quite
    often taken as an insult, and the outraged reaction of the other being
    is then even more often misunderstood by the Effertrovian.

    Humans, it seems, expect perfect strangers to look them in the eye (or
    eyes, should there be more than one). But Effertrovians consider it a
    deadly insult to look directly into the eyes of a person they haven't
    already made love to, because it implies that you, or they, are cheap
    and trashy and willing to be publicly intimate with anyone. This is
    very probably true, but it's not something we like to boast about.

    The little toe of the left foot is never mentiond in public. A bit like
    the perineum in humans but for a different reason.

    Earlobes are considered to be inherently funny, mostly because they
    are, and are often the point of nightclub comedians' jokes, rather like
    breasts and buttocks among humans. Among Effertrovians, breasts are
    taken very seriously, at least three times a day after meals, and
    buttocks are too complicated to discuss here.

    Effertrovians have learned to their cost that humans do not care to
    have their feet stroked by strangers, nor do they willingly submit any
    of their ears to any form of physical attention. This unwillingness is
    often expressed forcibly with clenched fists, or even the upward
    application of steel-capped workboots to the apex of the triangle
    formed by the Effertrovian's legs and the floor.

    In brief, your Effertrovian of any of the available genders (there are
    seven, two prime and five secondary) is tall, dark, handsome in a
    certain sense (particularly around the hands and some other places)
    handy, (particularly around the hands) friendly, loquacious,
    knowledgeable, dances with all the elegance of a hippopotamus but sits
    and drinks red wine with style and grace.

    Style & Grace are the twin daughters of the Principal of Uncertainty,
    who is the Ruler of Effertroy. Both twins are repellently plain, with
    pockmarked rosy cheeks (both kinds) richly decorated with pustules and
    lips as full and plump as a duck-billed platypus. Their feet are flat
    and their ears are tiresome. The twins are bad-smelling, without
    learning or conversation and have exceptionally cute little noses
    (full, however, of the usual complement of snot) but boringly small
    eyes and peculiar navels.

    However, they root like rattlesnakes and are stonkingly rich and hotly
    pursued by many Effertrovians, apart from Merkin who won't go near them
    since the regrettable business of the spaghetti, the wet lettuce and
    the cesspit.

    Everyone has a personality, even if they try to hide it. Are they
    positive, professional, happy-go-lucky, or annoying, forgetful,
    aggressive and always talking about themselves in the third person -
    you tell us!
    Merkin is caring, confident, cute and conversational, unless he is
    careless, crapulous, cutting and contrary.

    He will happily embrace you, your ideals and your sister. If you are in
    trouble and need help, you are always free to call Merkin. Just call
    0-900 MERKIN. He will respond, subject to the Terms of Trade and
    Business, paragraph 126, sub II, during the normal hours of business
    Monday to Friday and till noon on Saturday. Outside these hours you can
    go to buggery, a destination to which Merkin will happily sell you a
    ticket. Note that buggery is a corruption of the Welsh town
    Buggr-y-plas, on the coast near Pwhelli, a town named after a sneeze.
    You should visit there when you are in the UK.

    Do they even have any family? Name parents, siblings, spouses and/or
    children - heck mention the dog!

    1 Mother, 1 Adjunct Mother, 1 Sub-Adjunct Mother/Father, 1 Father, 1
    Adjunct Father, 1 Sub-Adjunct Father/Mother, 1 visiting vacuum-cleaner
    salesman that looks a lot like me (clean vacuums are a mark of class in
    Effertrovian society, like espresso machines are with some earth

    There are two cats called Thelma and Louise (or one cat called Thelma
    and another called Louise). This is what Merkin calls them. He cannot
    pronounce what they call themselves, and they are not telling anyway.
    He has / has had 17 lovers, five grilfriends (not the same thing at all
    because lovers don't expect him to do the ironing and grilfriends do),
    one extremely bossy younger sister who knows all about everything and
    doesn't trouble to hide this knowledge from Merkin or the world, and an
    older brother who lives in a World Of His Own, which he bought and to
    which he moved straight after winning the Spanish El Gordo lottery. He
    has not been seen since.

    Merkin also has a wife to whom he is utterly devoted, and who he has
    had, both biblically and uxorially, for the past 73 Effertrovian years,
    and about whom nothing more will be said.

    This wife
    ("I thought were weren't going to say any more about her"

    -"shut up and listen")

    knows all there is to know about Merkin, including the stuff that he
    thinks is a total secret, like the real reason for all those trips to
    Cairns and Papeete, and what actually happened on a Tuesday night in
    Ngongotaha that none of those present will talk about to anyone.

    Wives are like that, and she doesn't care anyway.

    What have they been up to lately? Tell us about their
    history,childhood, any major events in their life. What about
    interests, hobbies or dreams?

    Merkin was born at an early age, and spent his youthful years as a
    child. In the Uncertain Kingdom of Effertroy, childhood ends at 15,
    after which males and females have to wear clothes in public. Being a
    child in Effertroy is a load of fun, but also sometimes embarrassing.

    Because Effertrovians don't grow any hair, and because puberty
    generally happens at the age of seventeen (at half past four on on
    October 29th, usually, if fine) the difference between boys and grils
    is not always immediately apparent. This leads to many happy, and a few
    teenage discoveries, and a lot of giggling.

    Merkin would like to enter a quiz show with the subject "The Universe
    and All Its Contents", although he knows he has only seen, e-mailed,
    tasted, smelled or made love to about a quarter of it. But life is long
    and there is yet time.

    If you asked Merkin about his interests and hobbies, he would perhaps
    say "me, her and all the rest. Or he might just sock you in the eye.

    This is where you will need to include a sample of your writing.

    You must write about your character in one of the following situations:

    a) You are being hit on by someone who has had way too many shots of

    Merkin watches warily as LaTwana slinkily sidles up to him in the crew

    "Merkin". she mumbles. "Merkin merkin merkin me".

    Merkin wonders how one might merkin someone, apart from putting a wig
    of some sort on some part of them, but LaTwana is already quite hairy
    enough and anyway is pissed to her gills, which are also quite hairy.

    Ending 1.

    Merkin takes the sloshed human in his arms and carries her gently to
    her cabin, where he lies her down on her bed, draws a blanket over her
    (and signs the drawing which will in years to come be worth a fortune)
    dims the light and leaves the cabin like a gentleman. The Unseen
    gives him a round of applause. Merkin sits on the floor outside
    LaTwana's cabin and sobs, quietly.

    Ending 2.

    Merkin looks at the drunken half dressed spectacle masquerading as a
    femme fatale and says "Oh piss off". The Unseen Audience goes

    Ending 3

    Merkin helps the woozy woman to her foot (she's unipedal, and that's
    another problem we won't go into right now) and hops her to his
    quarters where he stands her for five minutes in the Universal
    Soberizer, guaranteed to remove all traces of being smashed from the

    And then they spend 24 ship's hours locked in each others' arms -

    because neither can remember the damn combination to undo them.

    The Unseen Audience says "Oh Bugger" for twentythree hours and 59
    minutes, and then says Four Right, Six Left, Two Right. Merkin throws a
    wet sponge at the Unseen Audience. It misses.

    b) There has been a momentary powerloss to the ship and you stumble
    around lost in the dark. Suddenly the lights come back on,

    Merkin can see perfectly well in the Dark, the Light and even in the
    Total Absence of Light and Dark which some species call death but
    doesn't, because he doesn't get on with death ever since a bad
    experience in a bar in Ponsonby Road in Auckland which led to Merkin
    death agreeing not to bother each other any more and don't even think
    calling and let's see you wipe my number off your mobile right now.

    Seeing in the dark isn't the problem. Knowing what you are seeing, in
    dark or light, is a wholly different matter.

    c) You have been called to the Captain's office. When you arrive you
    find him slumped over on his desk, that's when Security walks in...
    Merkin is taking the Captain's pulse (and feeling around for his
    when the Security team walks in. The female, Tasha Yar Boo Sux, is
    feisty, aggressive, very feminine in a crotch-kneeing kind of way. The
    male, Bashas Far Too Mux, is a hunk. A hunk of concrete, maybe, but
    surely a hunk of something. If he sat on you things that mattered to
    would get bent, squished and pushed seriously out of shape..

    Merkin straightens up. Two green Merkinish eyes looking into five
    various colored security eyes. Think pineal.

    "Tasha, Basha. We have a problem."

    Ending 1.

    "Yes Masha", mumbles the security team.
    Merkin holds up the wallet. "The Captain's Visa card is all maxxed
    The security team looks uneasy. This is normal, because life as a
    security guard ain't easy, and people just don't understand the
    loneliness of the guys with the guns and the nightsticks (and where the
    hell are the daysticks when you need them?) and the tasers and the salt
    spray. The salt spray derives from a misunderstood security briefing
    back at base. At least it's better that than the mayo spray, that
    always clogged up the gun and took hours to get out of the dress
    "Leave it with me", says Merkin. I'll just spend the next five hours
    and hundreds of star credits calling Visa Universal and going through
    thousands of recorded messages and I'll get the Captain's credit report
    "Oh mighty Merkin", says the security crew.
    The Unseen Audience throws up.

    Ending 2.
    "Stay where you are", snaps the security team, both of them, at once,
    in a single voice. They've been practicing that for days.
    "I am already where I am", said Merkin.
    "Well, stay there" says the team, feeling like they're losing.
    Merkin stays where he is some more.
    "What's going on", hisses Tasha.
    "The Captain's out cold" says Merkin, coldly.
    Merkin looks around the room and spots an object lying next to the
    Captain's head.
    "I think - I think he's been hit over the head with a Blunt
    Merkin picks up the Blunt Instrument and hands it to Basha, who puts it
    to his lips and plays a credible riff on it. "This is a blunt tenor
    sax", says Basha.
    "Right", says Merkin. "Now all we need to do is find a left handed
    red-haired musician looking for a sax change operation. Get on with
    "Yea Man", say the Security team.
    The Unseen Audience starts singing "Stairway To Heaven", while Basha
    accompanies them on the Blunt Instrument.
    Merkin starts wondering where he left his bootleg CD of the Smile
    album, and if there really is Life After Death, and is Keith Richards
    the proof?

    Merkin's life after this is too sad, too full of feeling, too fucking
    emotional to describe any more.

    What a trip!

    The people that run the RPG hated it.
    Where did I go wrong?

    , Dec 11, 2006
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  2. Don Hills Guest

    Either most of their members are stereotypical sad geeks which means that
    your personality and imagination would have been too rich for the collective
    blood, or they simply thought you were taking the piss.

    Don Hills (dmhills at attglobaldotnet) Wellington, New Zealand
    "New interface closely resembles Presentation Manager,
    preparing you for the wonders of OS/2!"
    -- Advertisement on the box for Microsoft Windows 2.11 for 286
    Don Hills, Dec 11, 2006
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  3. jasen Guest

    On 2006-12-11, <> wrote:

    > I thought I would join the Tranquility Star RPG, mainly because I liked
    > the podcast & the concept looked good. I figured I would sign up as
    > Merkin, from Effertroy, an indeterminate place ruled by the Principal
    > of Uncertainty.

    never heard of it (I'm no expert)


    > The people that run the RPG hated it.
    > Where did I go wrong?

    a> meybe they disliked the puns.

    b> maybe your scenarios broke several rules of that universe.

    c> you seemed to be inventing character traits on the fly.

    jasen, Dec 12, 2006
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