Bill the Builder! Good morning!

Discussion in 'Computer Security' started by Tom Zych, Nov 16, 2003.

  1. Tom Zych

    Tom Zych Guest

    Feel free to distribute.



    "Bill the Builder! Good morning!"

    "Good morning. I'd like to build a house."

    "Certainly, sir! We're the biggest builders around. That's what we
    do! Come on down to our office and we'll take care of you!"

    <two months later>

    "There you are Mr. Baker, your new house! Easy to get around in,
    and isn't it pretty?"

    "Yes, very pretty. Thank you, here's my check."

    <three weeks later>

    "Bill the Builder! Good morning!"

    "Good morning. This is Mr. Baker. You built a house for me a few
    weeks ago."

    "Of course, Mr. Baker! What can we do for you?"

    "I'm terribly upset. Someone broke into my house and spray-painted
    the walls."

    "Oh dear, I'm very sorry to hear that."

    "The police said they were able to get in because my front door
    has a cheap lock on it. I'd like the lock replaced with a better
    one."

    "I see, sir. Well...I'm afraid we don't offer any other model of
    lock to go with your model of house. BUT, next month we'll be
    offering our House 2003 (TM), with better locks! Perhaps you'd
    like to upgrade to the House 2003?"

    "But I've already moved in! All my furniture is here. Why can't
    you just install a new lock on my existing house?"

    "Well sir, I'm afraid your model of house isn't supported anymore.
    We have several newer models now, and we direct our efforts toward
    supporting them, instead. If you don't want to upgrade I'm afraid
    there's nothing I can do."

    "Hmmph! Well then, I guess I'll just go down to the hardware store
    and *buy* a better lock and install it myself."

    "Er. Well, sir, I'm afraid I must direct your attention to Section
    IX, Paragraph 7 of your Bill the Builder contract, which states
    specifically that only Bill the Builder is allowed to alter your
    house in any way."

    "What are you talking about? It's my house!"

    "Well, actually, sir, if you refer to Section II of the contract,
    you will see that it is not in fact your house, but our house.
    Technically you have a perpetual rent-free lease. You may use the
    house in any way you see fit, subject to contractual provisions,
    but you may not alter it. Only we may alter it."

    "I seeeee. What a shame. Well, I must ask you to excuse me, I have
    some shopping to do."

    "In fact, sir, our houses are designed so that you *can't* alter
    them, unless you have the correct keys to access the hardware.
    Which only our technicians have."

    "Why...you little...!" <SLAM>

    <five weeks later>

    "Bill the Builder! Good morning!"

    "This is Mr. Baker. My house has been broken into *again*."

    "I'm very sorry to hear that, Mr. Baker. What can we do for you?"

    "You can put on a better lock!"

    "Well, Mr. Baker, as I explained before..."

    "I know! I know! You don't have a better lock! Unless I get this
    new 'House 2003' of yours."

    "Which is available NOW, and at a discount for current customers!"

    "Feh. I suppose I'll have to pony up for it, it's better than
    having my house broken into every month. But this one had better
    have a damned good lock on it!"

    "Oh, certainly, Mr. Baker! We guarantee it!"

    "Well, good. All right. I'll come down and do the paperwork."

    <three months later>

    "Bill the Builder! Good morning!"

    "Hello. This is Mr. Baker. I have a House 2003 and it's just been
    broken into."

    "Oh dear, I'm very sorry..."

    "And I'm looking at your contract here, and I see your so-called
    'guarantee' only offers to take the house back and reimburse me
    for the value of the house."

    "Well, yes sir. That's our limitation of liability."

    "It doesn't cover the damage that was done to my furniture because
    your lock failed."

    "Well, no sir, that would be consequential damage, and we don't
    cover that."

    "Can you at least put in a better lock? This one is hardly any
    better than the old one!"

    "Oh, yes, sir! If you sign on to our special service contract, we
    will undertake to replace your lock every month, with our latest
    and most secure model!"

    "Great. So I'll have workers coming in and messing with my lock
    every month. Just great."

    "Of course, it's purely optional, sir. You don't have to sign up
    for the service contract if you'd prefer not to."

    "No, of course not. I can just put up with break-ins. I'll sign up
    for your service contract all right, you bloodsucker."

    <two months later>

    "Bill the Builder! Good morning!"

    "Hello. This is Mr. Baker. You'll be happy to hear that no one has
    gotten through the lock on my front door since you started
    replacing the lock every month."

    "We certainly are happy to hear that, Mr..."

    "They came in through the window, instead!"

    "Oh dear, I'm very sorry to..."

    "Yes, yes, I know! You're very sorry to hear that! Fine! What are
    you going to *do* about it?"

    "Well sir, actually, this is not the first report we've had of
    this problem. Our lock technicians are working very hard on better
    security for windows. It's all part of our new focus on secure
    windows."

    "Well, that's very comforting. I suppose you'll charge me extra
    for them, too."

    "Of *course* not, sir! The security of your home is now our top
    priority! Our technicians will come to your home and install new
    window locks at the same time as they install new door locks."

    "Oh. Well, good. These better locks will be available soon, then?"

    "Very soon, sir."

    "Good. Good day."

    <three months later>

    "Bill the Builder! Good morning!"

    "Hello. This is Mr. Baker. Your technicians installed my new locks
    three days ago. My house was broken into yesterday. The police
    said it looks like they made a mistake installing the door lock."

    "Oh dear, I'm very..."

    "And--" <ding-dong> "excuse me, someone's at the door. I'll call
    you back."

    <30 minutes later>

    "Bill the Builder! Good morning!"

    "Hello, Mr. Baker again."

    "Hello, Mr. Baker! How may we help you today?"

    "I was going to suggest that you get your act together. But I
    think I'd rather just stop dealing with your company entirely. One
    of my neighbors just dropped by and she mentioned another builder
    that she's been quite happy with."

    "Really, sir? May I ask who?"

    "Some outfit run by a couple of young fellows named...Richard and
    Linus, I think she said. Apparently they build much better and
    safer homes and don't charge nearly as much for them."

    "Oh, sir! Yes, I know who you mean. But sir, have you noticed that
    their houses don't look nearly as nice as ours do? And I've heard
    they're not as easy to get around in, either. And they certainly
    don't have our reputation! Why, they're just a couple of fellows
    barely out of college! Our company has been building homes for
    twenty years!"

    "Well, maybe, but my neighbor has had one of their houses for two
    years now and it hasn't been broken into even once. And she says
    whenever they find a problem with one of their locks, or anything
    else, she gets it installed right away, for free. Sounds a lot
    better than the kind of service I've gotten from you. I can put up
    with a house that's a little rougher around the edges if I don't
    have to worry about hoodlums breaking in every few weeks."

    "But sir, as I've said, better locks are now our TOP priority! And
    I'm prepared to offer you an upgrade to our latest model, at a
    substantially reduced price! In fact, sir...we have a new policy,
    now! If anyone breaks into your house, we offer a five *million*
    dollar reward for information leading to their arrest! Now,
    doesn't that sound like a good deal?"

    "Hmm. Decent locks so they can't break in at all, or a five
    million dollar reward after they break in. Interesting idea. I'll
    have to think real hard about that one. Tell you what...I'll call
    you back."

    <click> <bzzzzzzzzzzzzz>

    --
    Tom Zych
    This is a fake email address to thwart spammers.
    Real address: echo '' | rot13
    Tom Zych, Nov 16, 2003
    #1
    1. Advertising

  2. bwahahahahah

    In article <>, says...
    > Feel free to distribute.
    >
    >
    >
    > "Bill the Builder! Good morning!"
    >
    > "Good morning. I'd like to build a house."
    >
    > "Certainly, sir! We're the biggest builders around. That's what we
    > do! Come on down to our office and we'll take care of you!"
    >
    > <two months later>
    >
    > "There you are Mr. Baker, your new house! Easy to get around in,
    > and isn't it pretty?"
    >
    > "Yes, very pretty. Thank you, here's my check."
    >
    > <three weeks later>
    >
    > "Bill the Builder! Good morning!"
    >
    > "Good morning. This is Mr. Baker. You built a house for me a few
    > weeks ago."
    >
    > "Of course, Mr. Baker! What can we do for you?"
    >
    > "I'm terribly upset. Someone broke into my house and spray-painted
    > the walls."
    >
    > "Oh dear, I'm very sorry to hear that."
    >
    > "The police said they were able to get in because my front door
    > has a cheap lock on it. I'd like the lock replaced with a better
    > one."
    >
    > "I see, sir. Well...I'm afraid we don't offer any other model of
    > lock to go with your model of house. BUT, next month we'll be
    > offering our House 2003 (TM), with better locks! Perhaps you'd
    > like to upgrade to the House 2003?"
    >
    > "But I've already moved in! All my furniture is here. Why can't
    > you just install a new lock on my existing house?"
    >
    > "Well sir, I'm afraid your model of house isn't supported anymore.
    > We have several newer models now, and we direct our efforts toward
    > supporting them, instead. If you don't want to upgrade I'm afraid
    > there's nothing I can do."
    >
    > "Hmmph! Well then, I guess I'll just go down to the hardware store
    > and *buy* a better lock and install it myself."
    >
    > "Er. Well, sir, I'm afraid I must direct your attention to Section
    > IX, Paragraph 7 of your Bill the Builder contract, which states
    > specifically that only Bill the Builder is allowed to alter your
    > house in any way."
    >
    > "What are you talking about? It's my house!"
    >
    > "Well, actually, sir, if you refer to Section II of the contract,
    > you will see that it is not in fact your house, but our house.
    > Technically you have a perpetual rent-free lease. You may use the
    > house in any way you see fit, subject to contractual provisions,
    > but you may not alter it. Only we may alter it."
    >
    > "I seeeee. What a shame. Well, I must ask you to excuse me, I have
    > some shopping to do."
    >
    > "In fact, sir, our houses are designed so that you *can't* alter
    > them, unless you have the correct keys to access the hardware.
    > Which only our technicians have."
    >
    > "Why...you little...!" <SLAM>
    >
    > <five weeks later>
    >
    > "Bill the Builder! Good morning!"
    >
    > "This is Mr. Baker. My house has been broken into *again*."
    >
    > "I'm very sorry to hear that, Mr. Baker. What can we do for you?"
    >
    > "You can put on a better lock!"
    >
    > "Well, Mr. Baker, as I explained before..."
    >
    > "I know! I know! You don't have a better lock! Unless I get this
    > new 'House 2003' of yours."
    >
    > "Which is available NOW, and at a discount for current customers!"
    >
    > "Feh. I suppose I'll have to pony up for it, it's better than
    > having my house broken into every month. But this one had better
    > have a damned good lock on it!"
    >
    > "Oh, certainly, Mr. Baker! We guarantee it!"
    >
    > "Well, good. All right. I'll come down and do the paperwork."
    >
    > <three months later>
    >
    > "Bill the Builder! Good morning!"
    >
    > "Hello. This is Mr. Baker. I have a House 2003 and it's just been
    > broken into."
    >
    > "Oh dear, I'm very sorry..."
    >
    > "And I'm looking at your contract here, and I see your so-called
    > 'guarantee' only offers to take the house back and reimburse me
    > for the value of the house."
    >
    > "Well, yes sir. That's our limitation of liability."
    >
    > "It doesn't cover the damage that was done to my furniture because
    > your lock failed."
    >
    > "Well, no sir, that would be consequential damage, and we don't
    > cover that."
    >
    > "Can you at least put in a better lock? This one is hardly any
    > better than the old one!"
    >
    > "Oh, yes, sir! If you sign on to our special service contract, we
    > will undertake to replace your lock every month, with our latest
    > and most secure model!"
    >
    > "Great. So I'll have workers coming in and messing with my lock
    > every month. Just great."
    >
    > "Of course, it's purely optional, sir. You don't have to sign up
    > for the service contract if you'd prefer not to."
    >
    > "No, of course not. I can just put up with break-ins. I'll sign up
    > for your service contract all right, you bloodsucker."
    >
    > <two months later>
    >
    > "Bill the Builder! Good morning!"
    >
    > "Hello. This is Mr. Baker. You'll be happy to hear that no one has
    > gotten through the lock on my front door since you started
    > replacing the lock every month."
    >
    > "We certainly are happy to hear that, Mr..."
    >
    > "They came in through the window, instead!"
    >
    > "Oh dear, I'm very sorry to..."
    >
    > "Yes, yes, I know! You're very sorry to hear that! Fine! What are
    > you going to *do* about it?"
    >
    > "Well sir, actually, this is not the first report we've had of
    > this problem. Our lock technicians are working very hard on better
    > security for windows. It's all part of our new focus on secure
    > windows."
    >
    > "Well, that's very comforting. I suppose you'll charge me extra
    > for them, too."
    >
    > "Of *course* not, sir! The security of your home is now our top
    > priority! Our technicians will come to your home and install new
    > window locks at the same time as they install new door locks."
    >
    > "Oh. Well, good. These better locks will be available soon, then?"
    >
    > "Very soon, sir."
    >
    > "Good. Good day."
    >
    > <three months later>
    >
    > "Bill the Builder! Good morning!"
    >
    > "Hello. This is Mr. Baker. Your technicians installed my new locks
    > three days ago. My house was broken into yesterday. The police
    > said it looks like they made a mistake installing the door lock."
    >
    > "Oh dear, I'm very..."
    >
    > "And--" <ding-dong> "excuse me, someone's at the door. I'll call
    > you back."
    >
    > <30 minutes later>
    >
    > "Bill the Builder! Good morning!"
    >
    > "Hello, Mr. Baker again."
    >
    > "Hello, Mr. Baker! How may we help you today?"
    >
    > "I was going to suggest that you get your act together. But I
    > think I'd rather just stop dealing with your company entirely. One
    > of my neighbors just dropped by and she mentioned another builder
    > that she's been quite happy with."
    >
    > "Really, sir? May I ask who?"
    >
    > "Some outfit run by a couple of young fellows named...Richard and
    > Linus, I think she said. Apparently they build much better and
    > safer homes and don't charge nearly as much for them."
    >
    > "Oh, sir! Yes, I know who you mean. But sir, have you noticed that
    > their houses don't look nearly as nice as ours do? And I've heard
    > they're not as easy to get around in, either. And they certainly
    > don't have our reputation! Why, they're just a couple of fellows
    > barely out of college! Our company has been building homes for
    > twenty years!"
    >
    > "Well, maybe, but my neighbor has had one of their houses for two
    > years now and it hasn't been broken into even once. And she says
    > whenever they find a problem with one of their locks, or anything
    > else, she gets it installed right away, for free. Sounds a lot
    > better than the kind of service I've gotten from you. I can put up
    > with a house that's a little rougher around the edges if I don't
    > have to worry about hoodlums breaking in every few weeks."
    >
    > "But sir, as I've said, better locks are now our TOP priority! And
    > I'm prepared to offer you an upgrade to our latest model, at a
    > substantially reduced price! In fact, sir...we have a new policy,
    > now! If anyone breaks into your house, we offer a five *million*
    > dollar reward for information leading to their arrest! Now,
    > doesn't that sound like a good deal?"
    >
    > "Hmm. Decent locks so they can't break in at all, or a five
    > million dollar reward after they break in. Interesting idea. I'll
    > have to think real hard about that one. Tell you what...I'll call
    > you back."
    >
    > <click> <bzzzzzzzzzzzzz>
    >
    >


    --
    Colonel Flagg
    http://www.internetwarzone.org/

    Privacy at a click:
    http://www.cotse.net

    Q: How many Bill Gates does it take to change a lightbulb?
    A: None, he just defines Darkness? as the new industry standard..."

    "...I see stupid people."
    Colonel Flagg, Nov 17, 2003
    #2
    1. Advertising

  3. Re: bwahahahahah

    Colonel Flagg <> Woke up and
    decided to grace this newsgroup to say news:MPG.1a21ec9b2cb4c8fa989bc0
    @news.charter.net:

    > In article <>, says...
    >> Feel free to distribute.
    >>
    >>
    >>
    >> "Bill the Builder! Good morning!"
    >>
    >> "Good morning. I'd like to build a house."
    >>


    >> <click> <bzzzzzzzzzzzzz>
    >>
    >>

    >


    LMFAO
    Nice

    --
    SSLR

    On the Subject of PMD,
    Frozen North
    Made the statement
    >>PMD must have floated in as a child from France on a leaky
    >>innertube.

    >could explain a few things, do you think he hit himself over the head
    >with a baseball bat ?

    Maybe he did, after he enjoyed the feeling of having it up his ass,
    hence Poopie Mental Disorder.
    Sargeant Sir London Rulz, Nov 17, 2003
    #3
  4. Tom Zych wrote:

    > "Bill the Builder! Good morning!"
    >
    > "Good morning. I'd like to build a house."


    And you know what, it's as true as it is funny, because that's how they
    are too!

    --

    =-=-Mod_SSL/GPG/OpenSSL=-==-=-=-=-=-=-=-=Atr2-WBS=-=-=-=-
    jayjwa(){
    Spam ;
    MS "Micro$oft has preformed an illegal operation and
    will be shutdown. Install Linux or BSD to close.";
    domain atr2.ath.cx; contact finger me@domain;
    }
    =-=-=Linux Tough.Powered By Slackware=-=HTTPS/FTP=-RLF#37=
    @micro$oft.com, Nov 18, 2003
    #4
    1. Advertising

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