ATTEN ALL EMPLOYEES... [humour]

Discussion in 'Computer Information' started by Weyoun the Dancing Borg, May 11, 2004.

  1. To All employees


    When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried
    under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried
    flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and
    we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.


    Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages
    from our video recording.

    When an IT person says they're coming right over, go for coffee. That
    way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us
    to remember 300 screen saver passwords.


    When IT Support sends you an e-mail with high importance, delete it at
    once. We're just testing.


    When an IT person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill
    your problems right out. We don't even like eating food, we exist only
    to serve.


    Send urgent e-mail all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and
    flags it as a rush delivery.


    When we do something as a favour in our own time at our own expense,
    feel free to criticize us. That's OK, we don't expect you to lift
    anything or get under your Desk. Manual labour was part of our IT degree.


    When the photocopier doesn't work, call Computer Support. There's
    electronics in it.


    When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call Computer
    Support. We can fix your telephone line from here.


    When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an IT person's
    chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem.
    We love a puzzle.

    When an IT person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges
    in them, argue. We love a good argument.

    When an IT person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in
    scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by
    shortly?" That motivates us.

    When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print
    jobs frequently get sucked into black holes. When the printer still
    won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the
    company. One of them is bound to work.

    Don't learn the proper name for anything technical. We know exactly what
    is meant by "my thingy blew up".


    When you call someone in to fix a problem - but don't tell them about
    the other 10 problems until they physically arrive. That's OK - we can
    clear our schedule for the rest of the day.


    Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps. When your application
    can't do what you want... blame us, we write all the software that runs
    on your PC and can customise it on the fly. Bill Gates lets us do this.
    Remember the IT guy doesn't need to think - he has seen every problem
    before.


    If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog,
    lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were
    designed to have 20 kg of computer sitting on top of them.


    If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on the
    mail/NT/network upgrade. Keyboards are actually very happy with half a
    pound of muffin crumbs and nail clippings in them.


    When you find an IT person on the phone, sit uninvited on the corner of
    their desk and stare at them until they hang up. Feel perfectly free to
    say things like "I don't know nothing about that computer crap." We
    don't mind at all hearing our area of professional expertise referred to
    as crap.


    When you need to change the toner cartridge in a printer, call IT
    Support. Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and
    Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only by a professional
    engineer with a Master's degree in nuclear physics.


    When you think the Network/E-mail/Office application is going slow, call
    us as we have a button to press that makes it go back to it's normal speed.


    When something's the matter with your computer, ask your secretary to
    call the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal with a
    third party who doesn't know about the problem.


    The instant you call us (on our mobile) - we can see what's happening on
    your screen and can solve it instantaneously.

    Be aware that IT people don't need to use the toilet. So you have a
    right to be upset if we don't answer the phone.


    When you receive a 30MB movie file, send it to everyone as a mail
    attachment. We've got lots of disk space on that mail server.


    When an IT person gets in the lift pushing £100,000 worth of computer
    equipment on a trolley, ask in a very loud voice, "Good grief, you take
    the lift to go DOWN one floor?"

    And finally, always remember.... we were sitting there waiting for your
    call.. The whole day!!!
    Weyoun the Dancing Borg, May 11, 2004
    #1
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  2. Weyoun the Dancing Borg

    VWWall Guest

    Weyoun the Dancing Borg wrote:

    > To All employees


    <snip much real stuff>

    > And finally, always remember.... we were sitting there waiting for your
    > call.. The whole day!!!


    Didn't your mother tell you there'd be days like this !!!

    Virg Wall
    --
    A foolish consistency is the
    hobgoblin of little minds,........
    Ralph Waldo Emerson
    (Microsoft programmer's manual.)
    VWWall, May 11, 2004
    #2
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  3. "Weyoun the Dancing Borg" <> wrote in message
    news:THUnc.968$...
    > To All employees
    >
    >
    >
    > And finally, always remember.... we were sitting there waiting for your
    > call.. The whole day!!!



    lol :)
    Douglas A. Shrader, May 12, 2004
    #3
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