A Few Words From Tech Support

Discussion in 'Computer Support' started by lis, Mar 25, 2005.

  1. lis

    lis Guest

    1. Don't write anything down. We can play back the error messages from here.

    2. When a tech says he's coming right over, go for coffee. It's nothing to
    us to remember 481 screen saver passwords.

    3. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried
    under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried
    flowers, bowling trophies and Popsicle art. We don't have a life, and we
    find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.

    4. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you
    from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail
    because your computer won't power on at all.

    5. Don't put your phone extension in your emails to the help desk. We need
    to keep an eye on the address book performance.

    6. When tech support sends you an email with high importance, delete it at
    once. We're just testing the public groups.

    7. When a tech is eating lunch in his cube, walk right in and spill your
    guts right out. We exist only to serve.

    8. When a tech is having a smoke outside, ask him a computer question. The
    only reason why we smoke at all is to ferret out those clients who don't
    have email or a telephone line.

    9. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags
    it as a rush delivery.

    10. When you call a tech's direct line, press 5 to skip the bilingual
    greeting that says he's out of town for a week, record your message and wait
    exactly 24 hours before you send an email straight to the director because
    no one ever returned your call. After all, you're entitled to common
    courtesy.

    11. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's
    electronics in it.

    12. When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer
    support. We can fix your line from here.

    13. When you have a dozen CGA monitors to get rid of, call computer support.
    We're collectors.

    14. When some

    ame, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.

    15. If you hate your mouse, get some other pointing device and discard the
    manual. We know all the keyboard accelerators.

    16. When a tech tells you that computer monitors don't have cartridges in
    them, argue. We love a good argument.

    17. When you get a message about insufficient disk space, delete everything
    in the Windows directory. It's nothing but trouble anyway.

    18. When you get a message about a hard disk controller failure, and then
    you reboot and it looks okay, don't call tech support. We'd much rather
    troubleshoot it when it's dead as a doornail.

    19. When you have a tech on the phone walking you through changing a
    setting, read the paper. We don't actually mean for you to do anything. We
    just love to hear ourselves talk.

    20. When a tech tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing
    tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That'll get
    us going.

    21. If you have a 14-inch monitor that says VGA on it, set the display to
    true color, 1024 x 768. You'll never again have to worry about people
    reading confidential files over your shoulder.

    22. When we offer training on the upcoming OS upgrade, don't bother. We'll
    be there to hold your hand after it's done.

    23. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print
    jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.

    24. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all
    68 printers in the building. One of them is bound to work.

    25. Don't learn the proper name for anything technical. We know exactly what
    you mean by "my thingy's outta whack".

    26. Don't use online help. Online help is for wimps.

    27. If you're taking night classes in computer science, feel free to go
    around and update the network drivers for your all your co-workers. We're
    grateful for the overtime money.

    28. When a tech makes popcorn, help yourself while he's checking out your
    access rights. And we keep chocolate in the top drawer, too.

    29. When you have a tech fixing your computer at a quarter past noon, eat
    your lunch in his face. We function better when slightly dizzy.

    30. Don't ever thank us. We're getting paid for this.

    31. If you're an intern, feel free to bring in all your friends from college
    and have your Daddy complain to our boss when we won't let them use the
    scanner. We had no friends when we were in college; that's why we're such a
    bunch of tight-assed little twerps.

    32. When a tech asks you whether you've installed any new software on this
    computer, lie. It's nothing's wrong with your home PC, dump it on a tech's
    chair with no nbody's business what you've got on your computer.

    33. When a tech finds the AOL shortcuts in your Recycle Bin, tell him you've
    never seen those before. We couldn't tell bullshit if it kicked us in the
    face.

    34. If you have NT, feel free to change the local administrator's password
    to "blowjob" and promptly forget it. We like installing NT.

    35. If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog,
    lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were designed
    to have 45 lbs. of computer sitting on top of them.

    36. If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on the mail
    upgrade. Keyboards are actually very happy with half a pound of muffin
    crumbs and nail clippings in them.

    37. When you receive the new Yanni CD for your birthday, shove it into any
    slot on the front of your computer. We like getting physical with 5.25
    floppy drives.

    38. When you get a message saying "Are you sure?", click on that Yes button
    as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren't sure, you wouldn't be doing it,
    would you?

    39. When you find a tech on the phone with his bank, sit uninvited on the
    corner of his desk and stare at him until he hangs up. We don't have any
    money to speak of anyway.

    40. Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing about that
    computer crap". We don't mind at all hearing our area of professional
    expertise referred to as crap.

    41. When you need to change the toner cartridge, call tech support. Changing
    a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and Hewlett-Packard
    recommends that it be performed only by a professional engineer with a
    master's degree in nuclear physics.

    42. When you can't find someone in the government directory, call tech
    support. Due to budget restrictions, we double as 411.

    43. When you have a lock to pick on an old file cabinet, call tech support.
    We love to hack.

    44. When something's the matter with your computer, ask your secretary to
    call the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal with a third
    party who doesn't know jack shit about the problem.

    45. When you receive a 30-meg movie file, send it to everyone as a mail
    attachment. We got lots of disk space on that mail server.

    46. Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller chunks.
    Somebody else might get a chance to squeeze a memo into the queue.

    47. When your eyes fall on the family pictures on a tech's desk, exclaim in
    a flabbergasted tone of voice: "YOU have a child?!?" We need to be reminded
    of how lucky we were to ever have gotten laid.

    48. When a tech gets on the elevator pushing 15,000 kilograms worth of
    computer equipment on a cart, ask in a very loud voice: "Good grief, you
    take the elevator to go DOWN one floor?!?" That's another one that cracks us
    up no end.

    49. When the Finance folks are printing a 100-page spreadsheet on the
    LaserJet, send your black and white print job to the color printer. We get
    the black toner for free.

    50. When you lose your car keys, send an email to the entire department.
    People out in Yellowknife like to keep abreast of what's going on.

    51. When you bump into a tech at the grocery store on a Saturday, ask a
    computer question. We don't do weekends.

    52. When you see a tech having a beer with a member of the opposite sex on a
    Friday night, walk right up to them and ask a computer question. We don't do
    dating; the reason why we have that horny look on our faces is because we're
    discussing the new Intel processor.

    53. Don't bother to tell us when you move computers around on your own.
    Computer names are just a cosmetic feature in NT 4.0; they won't be doing
    anything useful until the next major release.

    54. When you can't access some shared directory on your boss's machine, just
    tell us that you've lost your X: drive. We know all that shit by heart.

    55. If you need to buy a computer for your daughter in college, feel free to
    pick our brains while we're taking a leak. We're good at talking shop with
    our dicks in our hands.

    56. If your son is a student in computer science, have him come in on the
    weekends and do his projects on your office computer. We'll be there for you
    when his illegal copy of Visual Basic 6.0 makes your Access 95 database flip
    out.

    57. When you bring your own personal home PC for repair at the office, leave
    the documentation at home. We'll find the jumper settings on the Internet.

    58. We're aware of that problem with computers just sitting there and not
    doing anything. We're confident that with the next service pack they'll be
    able to dance the jig.

    59. The correct location to store important files is the Recycle Bin. It's
    just like a real office, where you keep your tax receipts in the blue can
    under your desk.

    60. If you curse every morning when you start to type your password and the
    Virus Shield splash screen pops up in your face, disable the Virus Shield.
    Again, this is just like real life: if you don't like condoms, just don't
    use them, that's all.

    61. If you hate PCs, get on the Internet and download one of those desktop
    enhancements that make your computer look just like a Mac, down to the sad
    faces replacing verbose error messages. We find it refreshing to
    troubleshoot the nuances in that sad little face instead of some cold
    forbidding hexadecimal integer.

    62. When you detect a French accent in a tech's voice, switch to French. We
    don't mind that your level of fluency is that of a mildly retarded
    4-year-old; you don't make a whole lot of sense in your own mother tongue
    either.

    63. We don't really believe that you're a bunch of ungrateful twits. It
    hurts our feelings that you could even think such a thing. We wish to
    express our deepest gratitude to the hundreds of clueless losers portrayed
    herein, without whom none of this would have been remotely possible.

    64. Have you ever wondered what Tech Support does while you are on hold?
    Think about how long it takes to write a 64 point memo!
    lis, Mar 25, 2005
    #1
    1. Advertising

  2. lis

    cluedweasel Guest

    On Fri, 25 Mar 2005 03:06:41 -0800, "FatBobRoundPants"
    <> wrote:

    >Call Oprah
    >

    Well at least she probably knows not to quote 230+ lines when only
    adding 1 line in a reply. I assume you have permission to use
    sothere.com
    cluedweasel, Mar 25, 2005
    #2
    1. Advertising

  3. lis

    Wizard Guest

    Wizard, Mar 25, 2005
    #3
  4. cluedweasel wrote:
    > On Fri, 25 Mar 2005 03:06:41 -0800, "FatBobRoundPants"
    ><> wrote:


    >>Call Oprah


    > Well at least she probably knows not to quote 230+ lines when only
    > adding 1 line in a reply. I assume you have permission to use
    > sothere.com


    Betcha not.

    --
    Blinky Linux Registered User 297263
    Who has implemented Usenet Solution #45933:
    Now killing all posts originating at Google Groups
    Blinky the Shark, Mar 25, 2005
    #4
  5. Call Oprah

    "lis" <> wrote in message
    news:8hN0e.3382$...
    >
    > 1. Don't write anything down. We can play back the error messages from

    here.
    >
    > 2. When a tech says he's coming right over, go for coffee. It's nothing to
    > us to remember 481 screen saver passwords.
    >
    > 3. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it

    buried
    > under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried
    > flowers, bowling trophies and Popsicle art. We don't have a life, and we
    > find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.
    >
    > 4. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping

    you
    > from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail
    > because your computer won't power on at all.
    >
    > 5. Don't put your phone extension in your emails to the help desk. We need
    > to keep an eye on the address book performance.
    >
    > 6. When tech support sends you an email with high importance, delete it at
    > once. We're just testing the public groups.
    >
    > 7. When a tech is eating lunch in his cube, walk right in and spill your
    > guts right out. We exist only to serve.
    >
    > 8. When a tech is having a smoke outside, ask him a computer question. The
    > only reason why we smoke at all is to ferret out those clients who don't
    > have email or a telephone line.
    >
    > 9. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and

    flags
    > it as a rush delivery.
    >
    > 10. When you call a tech's direct line, press 5 to skip the bilingual
    > greeting that says he's out of town for a week, record your message and

    wait
    > exactly 24 hours before you send an email straight to the director because
    > no one ever returned your call. After all, you're entitled to common
    > courtesy.
    >
    > 11. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's
    > electronics in it.
    >
    > 12. When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer
    > support. We can fix your line from here.
    >
    > 13. When you have a dozen CGA monitors to get rid of, call computer

    support.
    > We're collectors.
    >
    > 14. When some
    >
    > ame, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.
    >
    > 15. If you hate your mouse, get some other pointing device and discard the
    > manual. We know all the keyboard accelerators.
    >
    > 16. When a tech tells you that computer monitors don't have cartridges in
    > them, argue. We love a good argument.
    >
    > 17. When you get a message about insufficient disk space, delete

    everything
    > in the Windows directory. It's nothing but trouble anyway.
    >
    > 18. When you get a message about a hard disk controller failure, and then
    > you reboot and it looks okay, don't call tech support. We'd much rather
    > troubleshoot it when it's dead as a doornail.
    >
    > 19. When you have a tech on the phone walking you through changing a
    > setting, read the paper. We don't actually mean for you to do anything. We
    > just love to hear ourselves talk.
    >
    > 20. When a tech tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing
    > tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That'll

    get
    > us going.
    >
    > 21. If you have a 14-inch monitor that says VGA on it, set the display to
    > true color, 1024 x 768. You'll never again have to worry about people
    > reading confidential files over your shoulder.
    >
    > 22. When we offer training on the upcoming OS upgrade, don't bother. We'll
    > be there to hold your hand after it's done.
    >
    > 23. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print
    > jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.
    >
    > 24. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all
    > 68 printers in the building. One of them is bound to work.
    >
    > 25. Don't learn the proper name for anything technical. We know exactly

    what
    > you mean by "my thingy's outta whack".
    >
    > 26. Don't use online help. Online help is for wimps.
    >
    > 27. If you're taking night classes in computer science, feel free to go
    > around and update the network drivers for your all your co-workers. We're
    > grateful for the overtime money.
    >
    > 28. When a tech makes popcorn, help yourself while he's checking out your
    > access rights. And we keep chocolate in the top drawer, too.
    >
    > 29. When you have a tech fixing your computer at a quarter past noon, eat
    > your lunch in his face. We function better when slightly dizzy.
    >
    > 30. Don't ever thank us. We're getting paid for this.
    >
    > 31. If you're an intern, feel free to bring in all your friends from

    college
    > and have your Daddy complain to our boss when we won't let them use the
    > scanner. We had no friends when we were in college; that's why we're such

    a
    > bunch of tight-assed little twerps.
    >
    > 32. When a tech asks you whether you've installed any new software on this
    > computer, lie. It's nothing's wrong with your home PC, dump it on a tech's
    > chair with no nbody's business what you've got on your computer.
    >
    > 33. When a tech finds the AOL shortcuts in your Recycle Bin, tell him

    you've
    > never seen those before. We couldn't tell bullshit if it kicked us in the
    > face.
    >
    > 34. If you have NT, feel free to change the local administrator's password
    > to "blowjob" and promptly forget it. We like installing NT.
    >
    > 35. If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog,
    > lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were designed
    > to have 45 lbs. of computer sitting on top of them.
    >
    > 36. If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on the mail
    > upgrade. Keyboards are actually very happy with half a pound of muffin
    > crumbs and nail clippings in them.
    >
    > 37. When you receive the new Yanni CD for your birthday, shove it into any
    > slot on the front of your computer. We like getting physical with 5.25
    > floppy drives.
    >
    > 38. When you get a message saying "Are you sure?", click on that Yes

    button
    > as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren't sure, you wouldn't be doing it,
    > would you?
    >
    > 39. When you find a tech on the phone with his bank, sit uninvited on the
    > corner of his desk and stare at him until he hangs up. We don't have any
    > money to speak of anyway.
    >
    > 40. Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing about

    that
    > computer crap". We don't mind at all hearing our area of professional
    > expertise referred to as crap.
    >
    > 41. When you need to change the toner cartridge, call tech support.

    Changing
    > a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and Hewlett-Packard
    > recommends that it be performed only by a professional engineer with a
    > master's degree in nuclear physics.
    >
    > 42. When you can't find someone in the government directory, call tech
    > support. Due to budget restrictions, we double as 411.
    >
    > 43. When you have a lock to pick on an old file cabinet, call tech

    support.
    > We love to hack.
    >
    > 44. When something's the matter with your computer, ask your secretary to
    > call the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal with a third
    > party who doesn't know jack shit about the problem.
    >
    > 45. When you receive a 30-meg movie file, send it to everyone as a mail
    > attachment. We got lots of disk space on that mail server.
    >
    > 46. Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller

    chunks.
    > Somebody else might get a chance to squeeze a memo into the queue.
    >
    > 47. When your eyes fall on the family pictures on a tech's desk, exclaim

    in
    > a flabbergasted tone of voice: "YOU have a child?!?" We need to be

    reminded
    > of how lucky we were to ever have gotten laid.
    >
    > 48. When a tech gets on the elevator pushing 15,000 kilograms worth of
    > computer equipment on a cart, ask in a very loud voice: "Good grief, you
    > take the elevator to go DOWN one floor?!?" That's another one that cracks

    us
    > up no end.
    >
    > 49. When the Finance folks are printing a 100-page spreadsheet on the
    > LaserJet, send your black and white print job to the color printer. We get
    > the black toner for free.
    >
    > 50. When you lose your car keys, send an email to the entire department.
    > People out in Yellowknife like to keep abreast of what's going on.
    >
    > 51. When you bump into a tech at the grocery store on a Saturday, ask a
    > computer question. We don't do weekends.
    >
    > 52. When you see a tech having a beer with a member of the opposite sex on

    a
    > Friday night, walk right up to them and ask a computer question. We don't

    do
    > dating; the reason why we have that horny look on our faces is because

    we're
    > discussing the new Intel processor.
    >
    > 53. Don't bother to tell us when you move computers around on your own.
    > Computer names are just a cosmetic feature in NT 4.0; they won't be doing
    > anything useful until the next major release.
    >
    > 54. When you can't access some shared directory on your boss's machine,

    just
    > tell us that you've lost your X: drive. We know all that shit by heart.
    >
    > 55. If you need to buy a computer for your daughter in college, feel free

    to
    > pick our brains while we're taking a leak. We're good at talking shop with
    > our dicks in our hands.
    >
    > 56. If your son is a student in computer science, have him come in on the
    > weekends and do his projects on your office computer. We'll be there for

    you
    > when his illegal copy of Visual Basic 6.0 makes your Access 95 database

    flip
    > out.
    >
    > 57. When you bring your own personal home PC for repair at the office,

    leave
    > the documentation at home. We'll find the jumper settings on the Internet.
    >
    > 58. We're aware of that problem with computers just sitting there and not
    > doing anything. We're confident that with the next service pack they'll be
    > able to dance the jig.
    >
    > 59. The correct location to store important files is the Recycle Bin. It's
    > just like a real office, where you keep your tax receipts in the blue can
    > under your desk.
    >
    > 60. If you curse every morning when you start to type your password and th

    e
    > Virus Shield splash screen pops up in your face, disable the Virus Shield.
    > Again, this is just like real life: if you don't like condoms, just don't
    > use them, that's all.
    >
    > 61. If you hate PCs, get on the Internet and download one of those desktop
    > enhancements that make your computer look just like a Mac, down to the sad
    > faces replacing verbose error messages. We find it refreshing to
    > troubleshoot the nuances in that sad little face instead of some cold
    > forbidding hexadecimal integer.
    >
    > 62. When you detect a French accent in a tech's voice, switch to French.

    We
    > don't mind that your level of fluency is that of a mildly retarded
    > 4-year-old; you don't make a whole lot of sense in your own mother tongue
    > either.
    >
    > 63. We don't really believe that you're a bunch of ungrateful twits. It
    > hurts our feelings that you could even think such a thing. We wish to
    > express our deepest gratitude to the hundreds of clueless losers portrayed
    > herein, without whom none of this would have been remotely possible.
    >
    > 64. Have you ever wondered what Tech Support does while you are on hold?
    > Think about how long it takes to write a 64 point memo!
    >
    >
    FatBobRoundPants, Mar 25, 2005
    #5
  6. lis

    Mara Guest

    On Fri, 25 Mar 2005 11:10:36 -0800, "FatBobRoundPants" <>
    wrote:

    >yea, and if i didn't you would whine about not having the full text included
    >in the reply.


    http://www.netmeister.org/news/learn2quote2.html#ss2.1

    >i bet you are serious obout having permission for
    >clued?
    >
    >"cluedweasel" <> wrote in message
    >news:...
    >> On Fri, 25 Mar 2005 03:06:41 -0800, "FatBobRoundPants"
    >> <> wrote:
    >>
    >> >Call Oprah
    >> >

    >> Well at least she probably knows not to quote 230+ lines when only
    >> adding 1 line in a reply. I assume you have permission to use
    >> sothere.com

    >


    --
    "No lusers were harmed in the creation of this usenet article.
    AND I WANT TO KNOW WHY NOT!"
    --glmar04 at twirl.mcc.ac.uk in a.s.r
    Mara, Mar 25, 2005
    #6
  7. FatBobRoundPants wrote:

    > yea, and if i didn't you would whine about not having the full text included
    > in the reply.


    No, because the idea is to quote enough for context without quoting the
    whole thing.

    > i bet you are serious obout having permission for
    > clued?


    He should be. If you're not with sothere.com you're abusing their
    servers. When you munge, you don't just make up stuff and assume it's
    not a registered domain.

    Registrant:
    Crazy Lucy LTD
    8625 Laurel Canyon Blvd
    Hollywood, CA 90028
    US

    Domain Name: SOTHERE.COM

    Read this: http://members.aol.com/emailfaq/mungfaq.html

    --
    Blinky Linux Registered User 297263
    Who has implemented Usenet Solution #45933:
    Now killing all posts originating at Google Groups
    Blinky the Shark, Mar 25, 2005
    #7
  8. yea, and if i didn't you would whine about not having the full text included
    in the reply.
    i bet you are serious obout having permission for
    clued?

    "cluedweasel" <> wrote in message
    news:...
    > On Fri, 25 Mar 2005 03:06:41 -0800, "FatBobRoundPants"
    > <> wrote:
    >
    > >Call Oprah
    > >

    > Well at least she probably knows not to quote 230+ lines when only
    > adding 1 line in a reply. I assume you have permission to use
    > sothere.com
    FatBobRoundPants, Mar 25, 2005
    #8
  9. lis

    lis Guest

    **** off assholes
    lis, Mar 26, 2005
    #9
  10. lis

    Wizard Guest

    Re: CUTTING MYSELF OVER GUYS!

    lis <> wrote:

    > If you promise to miss me, I will go away.
    Wizard, Mar 26, 2005
    #10
    1. Advertising

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