problem with one file

10-28-2011

Hey, you're write it does display, thanks; the only problem now is the
code. What am I supposed to do with this?

All the links are diffferent!

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<h1>
LIMERICKS<br>
BY ALEXANDER BARON
</h1>

<p>
[This collection includes non-standard limericks: extended limericks
and limerick poems, etc].
</p>

<p>
If you are NOT viewing this page with Internet Explorer, you may see
the titles of some of the limericks lower down the page in black
rather than red, and the bold font of the main text may not be bold.
This is because I am primarily a researcher and author, <i>not</i> a
code warrior!
</p>

<h2>
A Limerick For Everybody's Favourite Double Child Killer
</h2>
<p>
There once was a nonce name of <a href="http://www.evandervaart.nl/
news/marshall-images.html">Hunt-<br>
Ley</a> who said "I'm sure that knife is blunt",<br>
But alas, it was not,<br>
Now a scarred face he's got<br>
In Frankland gaol, the murdering ****.
</p>

<h2>
A Nice Pair
</h2>
<p>
There was once a young lady named Sam<br>
Who said: Brainless you may think I am,<br>
Just because I undress<br>
For the popular press,<br>
But I'm making a mint,<br>
(Not bad for a dumb bint),<br>
So I really could not give a damn.
</p>

<h2>
A Question Of Degree
</h2>
<p>
Poor old Thatcher, how sad she must be,<br>
For she's just been refused a degree:<br>
An honorary one,<br>
Guess that's one up the bum<br>
For the snatching old bitch - ha ha he!
</p>

<h2>A Tongue Twister: Kalamazoo Sue</h2>
<p>There was a young man of Kalamazoo
<br>Had a girlfriend, Sue,
<br>And a smew called Slew.
<br>He said to her:
<br>"O Sue, be true and never stew my smew,
<br>For if you, Sue, should stew my Slew,
<br>And if you tricked me, Sue, to chew
<br>The stew of my smew, my stewed Slew,
<br>I'd chew, then spew my stewed smew Slew over you."
</p>
<p>[The above was first published in <a href="http://
www.evandervaart.nl/news/baron-computer-programs.html"><i>Limericks On-
Line</i></a>]
</p>

<h2>Alan Freeman</h2>
<p>There was once an old DJ named Fluff
<br>Who said: Metal's made of the right stuff,
<br>And although I'm not young
<br>I would rather be hung
<br>Than play Country, soul, or that schmaltz guff.
</p>

<h2>Ali Oops!</h2>
<p>There was once a bent copper, Dizaei,
<br>Whose methods were cunning and sly,
<br>Alas, now it appears
<br>He's been given four years
<br>After one of his schemes went awry!
</p>

<h2>All At Sea</h2>
<p>It was on the <i>Free Enterprise</i> ferry
<br>While the crew were imbibing their sherry,
<br>That, on hearing some screams,
<br>The first mate said: It seems
<br>That our guests are unusually merry!
</p>
<p>[The above was first published in <a href="http://
www.evandervaart.nl/news/reviews.html#abookoflimericks"><i>A Book Of
Limericks</i></a>]
</p>

<h2>An Extended Limerick: The Public Schoolboy</h2>
<p>A public schoolboy, Algernon,
<br>Found "whore" in his new lexicon;
<br>He said: That sounds nice,
<br>Met one, asked her price,
<br>And went with her twice,
<br>Caught scabies and lice,
<br>As well as both chancre and gonn.
</p>
<p>[The above was first published in <a href="http://
www.evandervaart.nl/news/reviews.html#abookoflimericks"><i>A Book Of
Limericks</i></a>]
</p>

<h2>An Ode To Michael Barrymore</h2>
<p>There was a bloke, Barrymore, oh such a pain,
<br>Who plied a young butcher with booze and cocaine,
<br>Now he's out on a limb
<br>Come a 3am swim,
<br>Let us hope he's not seen on our TVs again.
</p>

<h2>An Unrhymed Limerick: The Young Fellow Named Hunt</h2>
<p>There was once a young fellow named Hunt
<br>Who was kissing a girl in his canoe,
<br>She said: Show me that trick
<br>That you do with your fag
<br>When you blow rings of smoke in the air.
</p>
<p>[The above was first published in <a href="http://
www.evandervaart.nl/news/reviews.html#abookoflimericks"><i>A Book Of
Limericks</i></a>]
</p>

<h2>Andrea Dworkin</h2>
<p>A repulsive fat woman named Dworkin
<br>Disapproved of men' leerin' and gawkin'
<br>"I never give head
<br>Cos I hate sex," she said,
<br>"My flesh creeps at the mere thought of porkin'."
</p>

<h2>Archimedes' Princely Tool</h2>
<p>Archimedes, the ancient truth seeker,
<br>Said: "If I stick my prick in a beaker,
<br>And it doesn't displace
<br>Water all round the place,
<br>The last thing I'll do is shout Eureka!"
</p>

<h2>Arms Race</h2>
<p>Said a Russian: "You fellows in NATO
<br>Why you so much us Soviets hate-o?
<br>Come on chappies, disarm,
<br>There's no cause for alarm".
<br>But they said: "Good idea, you first, mate-o".
</p>

<h2>Beebie Geebies</h2>
<p>When a punk applied for a position
<br>With the Beeb, he was met with derision,
<br>Although not, it appears
<br>Of the rings in his ears,
<br>But because he had no circumcision.
</p>

<h2>Bird In The Bush</h2>
<p>It's well-known there are fish in a lough,
<br>But it isn't well-known that the chough
<br>Is a similar bird,
<br>To the jay - that's absurd?
<br>They are of the same family though!
</p>
<p>[The above was first published in <a href="http://
www.evandervaart.nl/news/baron-computer-programs.html"><i>Limericks On-
Line</i></a>]
</p>

<h2>Blair Scandal</h2>
<p>There was a Prime Minister, Blair,
<br>Who said: Honest I am, I do swear,
<br>I must be, you see,
<br>My wife is a QC,
<br>And if I weren't, she'd so declare.
</p>

<h2>Boozer Loser</h2>
<p>As a footballer, George was the Best,
<br>As a drinking man, he was a pest,
<br>One day, caught on the hop,
<br>Georgie nutted a cop,
<br>So they sent him away for a rest.
</p>
<p>[The above was first published in <i>The Comedy Bulletin</i>, May
1988, and then in <a href="http://www.evandervaart.nl/news/
reviews.html#abookoflimericks"><i>A Book Of Limericks</i></a>]
</p>

<h2>Boy George</h2>
<p>Young Boy George is a showman with swank,
<br>People stare at him like he's a crank,
<br>But if you should say:
<br>George O'Dowd, are you <i>gay</i>?
<br>He'll just laugh, all the way
<br>To the bank.
</p>
<p>[The above was first published in <a href="http://
www.evandervaart.nl/news/reviews.html#abookoflimericks"><i>A Book Of
Limericks</i></a>]
</p>

<h2>Brighouse Bert</h2>
<p>When a fellow called Bert, from Brighouse,
<br>Took his gun and went off to shoot grouse,
<br>He was nicked by the law,
<br>And sent down for a score,
<br>For the grouse that he shot was his spouse.
</p>

<h2>Burmese Days</h2>
<p><i>Burmese Days</i> is a George Orwell story
<br>Of a perplexed young fellow name Flory
<br>Who does himself dead
<br>With a shot through the head:
<br>A tale that's both tragic and gory.
</p>
<p>March 10, 1992
</p>
<p>[The above was first published in <a href="http://
www.evandervaart.nl/news/baron-computer-programs.html"><i>Limericks On-
Line</i></a>]
</p>

<h2>Caribbean Joke</h2>
<p>A young lad from the Isle of Tobago,
<br>Told a joke to a likeable dago,
<br>Did the Span-i-ard laugh?
<br>Yes, he sure did, not half:
<br>"How d'you start a rice pudding race? Say go!"
</p>

<h2>Caro Can't</h2>
<p>When playing the Caro, and mated
<br>In six moves, a student berated
<br>His conqueror, for
<br>The man said "You sure
<br>A sap like you is FIDE-rated?"
</p>
<p>[The above was first published in <i>CHESS POST</i>, Issue No. 235,
Vol 42, No. 4 September 2004, page 243 under <i>Readers' Letters</i>.]
</p>

<h2>Carter The Farter</h2>
<p>When a pig of a man, Eddie Carter,
<br>Who was known as a burper and farter,
<br>Asked a young woman out,
<br>She replied: **** off, lout;
<br>Eddie Carter's <i>persona non grata</i>!
</p>

<h2>Cash On Delivery</h2>
<p>Anytime you do business with me,
<br>Don't expect to get anything free,
<br>For whatever your merit,
<br>I'll give you no credit:
<br>I buy and I sell C.O.D.
</p>
<p>[The above was first published in <a href="http://
www.evandervaart.nl/news/baron-computer-programs.html"><i>Limericks On-
Line</i></a>]
</p>

<h2>**** In Disguise</h2>
<p>Said a London detective named Jason:
<br>"My promotion to sergeant I'll hasten
<br>If I'm good at my job,
<br>Have a care with my gob,
<br>Hold my drink, and become a Freemason."
</p>
<p>[The above was first published in <a href="http://
www.evandervaart.nl/news/reviews.html#abookoflimericks"><i>A Book Of
Limericks</i></a>]
</p>

<h2>Dennis Taylor: World Professional Snooker Champion 1985</h2>
<p>Dennis T was the Crucible's hex:
<br>He left Thorburne and Knowles nervous wrecks.
<br>In the final he came
<br>From eight down to win fame,
<br>And all thanks to his magical specs!
</p>
<p>[The above was first published in <a href="http://
www.evandervaart.nl/news/reviews.html#abookoflimericks"><i>A Book Of
Limericks</i></a>]
</p>
<p><img src="./LIMERICKS BY ALEXANDER BARON_files/dennis-taylor.jpg"
alt="dennis-taylor">
</p>

<h2>Dennis The Menace</h2>
<p>There was this all round sportsman named Dennis,
<br>Who with other blokes' wives, was a menace,
<br>Till a guy smashed his balls
<br>Round the courts and the halls,
<br>(And I don't mean at snooker or tennis).
</p>

<h2>Don't You Wish...?</h2>
<p>Don't you wish you were rich as a Getty,
<br>With you own private plane, boat and jetty,
<br>And a Cadillac car,
<br>And a sitting room bar.
<br>And such money to lend,
<br>To donate and to spend
<br>You could throw it around like confetti?
</p>

<h2>Doris Dazed</h2>
<p>There was this famous actor, Rock Hudson,
<br>Was reputed to be quite a stud, son,
<br>When he died, Doris Day
<br>Exclaimed: "Rock Hudson, <i>gay</i>!?
<br>I would never had thought him a dud, son."
</p>
<p>[The above was first published in <a href="http://
www.evandervaart.nl/news/reviews.html#abookoflimericks"><i>A Book Of
Limericks</i></a>]
</p>

<h2>Doris Stokes</h2>
<p>There was once a con woman named Stokes,
<br>Who for decades duped women and blokes
<br>With her spirit world tales;
<br>My credulity fails
<br>To be fooled by such transparent jokes.
</p>
<p>But appears many others do not,
<br>For though dead, Doris ain't long forgot,
<br>Because she still answers
<br><i>The Sun's</i> necromancers
<br>From the other side - yes, what rot!
</p>

<h2>'Ello, 'Ello, 'Ello</h2>
<p>Said a cop to his son: Don't learn Morse,
<br>That's a waste of time in today's force,
<br>But there's one vital code
<br>You should learn - and he showed
<br>Him...? the right way to shake hands, of course!
</p>
<p>[The above was first published in <a href="http://
www.evandervaart.nl/news/reviews.html#abookoflimericks"><i>A Book Of
Limericks</i></a>]
</p>

<h2>False Prophets</h2>
<p>There was once a young fellow named Major
<br>Said: I think it's a terrible wager
<br>That in this century
<br>The PM I will be;
<br>She'll go on till my retirement age, 'er!
</p>
<p>[The above was first published in <a href="http://
www.evandervaart.nl/news/baron-computer-programs.html"><i>Limericks On-
Line</i></a>]
</p>

<h2>Fishful Thinking</h2>
<p>There was once an old fellow named Fish
<br>Who was told by a viewer: It's pish
<br>What you say 'bout the weather,
<br>Get your act together,
<br>Say how it is, not how you wish.
</p>

<h2>Florida Flora</h2>
<p>There was once a girl, Flora of Florida,
<br>Had it off with her boss in the corrida,
<br>Now this fairest of maids
<br>Is infected with AIDS,
<br>Which is like the Black Death, only horrida.
</p>

<h2>Forbidden Fruit</h2>
<p>It does seem exceedingly strange
<br>There are no words that rhyme with o-range,
<br>But versatile poet
<br>I am - and you know it,
<br>I can rhyme o-range with a change.
</p>
<p>For Al Stewart fans everywhere - September 14, 2010
</p>

<h2>Forget Me Not, Scot</h2>
<p>Said a Jock: Of my race, I'm so proud,
<br>And I'll sing of the Scots long and loud,
<br>Till the end of my days
<br>All my brothers I'll praise:
<br>Except Burke, Hare and Ally McCloud!
</p>
<p>Yeah, I know, Burke and Hare were Irishmen!
</p>
<p>[The above was first published in <a href="http://
www.evandervaart.nl/news/reviews.html#abookoflimericks"><i>A Book Of
Limericks</i></a>]
</p>

<h2>Foxy Lady</h2>
<p>There was once a young lady named Fox
<br>Gave her neighbours in Hydesville such shocks
<br>By cleverly faking
<br>Spi-rit table shaking
<br>And all sorts of netherworld knocks.
</p>

<h2>Frost Bitten!</h2>
<p>There was a chess player named <a href="http://www.evandervaart.nl/
news/ode_cat_c_poem.html">Frost</a>
<br>Whose path in a libr'ry I crossed;
<br>He played a mean game,
<br>Cold and hard like his name,
<br>But I still am the champ, for he lost.
</p>

<h2>Get Nutted!</h2>
<p>When an arrogant bounder called Nuttal
<br>Propositioned young Cynthia Futtle,
<br>He received, not a wank,
<br>But an indignant spank
<br>On the nose by way of a rebuttal.
</p>

<h2>Giraffe Gaffe</h2>
<p>There was once an arthritic giraffe
<br>Who when given a polka dot scarf
<br>To protect his long neck
<br>From the cold, said: "Oh heck!
<br>Look at this, the hyenas will laugh!"
</p>
<p>[The above was originally published in <a href="http://
www.evandervaart.nl/news/other_neck.html"><i>Neck</i></a>, and then in
<a href="http://www.evandervaart.nl/news/
reviews.html#abookoflimericks"><i>A Book Of Limericks</i></a>]
</p>

<h2>Grave Offence</h2>
<p>The vicar said: "What a disgrace
<br>'Tis a sacrilege here in this place.
<br>But the groom was quite willing
<br>And said: "It's so thrilling
<br>To lie on a slab and embrace."
</p>

<h2>Hamil's Fallacy</h2>
<p>Said a none too bright student named Hamil:
<br>If it's true that a mole is a mammal
<br>Cos it lives in a hole,
<br>Then so too is a vole,
<br>But the same can't be said of a camel!
</p>

<h2>Heart To Heart</h2>
<p>When a girl with angina named Rhona
<br>Saw a transplant man from Arizona,
<br>She was told: "You must wait,
<br>For we can't operate
<br>On your heart till we find you a donor".
</p>

<h2>How Life Began</h2>
<p>Said a molecule one ancient day:
<br>"I'm so tired of this transient way,
<br>Existing, abating,
<br>Without replicating."
<br>And presto! So was DNA!
</p>
<p>October 24, 1984
</p>
<p>[The above was first published in <a href="http://
www.evandervaart.nl/news/reviews.html#abookoflimericks"><i>A Book Of
Limericks</i></a>]
</p>

<h2>Hubble's Law</h2>
<p>Said a brilliant astronomer, Hubble:
<br>If the Earth were not shaped like a bubble,
<br>But instead were made square,
<br>Then its corners I swear
<br>Would cause sailors a whole heap of trouble.
</p>
<p>[<i>Hubble's Law</i> was first published in <i>the big Mouse</i>,
NO. 1, April 1988, then in <a href="http://www.evandervaart.nl/news/
reviews.html#abookoflimericks"><i>A Book Of Limericks</i></a>]
</p>

<h2>Isl'Armful Joke</h2>
<p>Was a Libyan student named Qaafi,
<br>Had a pet rat he Christened Qadafi,
<br>Ignoring a rumour
<br>His leader's ill-humour
<br>Would make his blood boil
<br>And his own career spoil;
<br>Now the rat can be found
<br>Six feet under the ground
<br>Lying next to his owner,
<br>Because the old groaner
<br>Qadafi,
<br>Took the joke in bad taste,
<br>Told his hit men go waste
<br>The young creep: "He will not at me laugh-i!"
</p>
<p>[The above was first published in <a href="http://
www.evandervaart.nl/news/baron-computer-programs.html"><i>Limericks On-
Line</i></a>]
</p>

<h2>Inequating</h2>
<p>Said a lad to his algebra teacher,
<br>"Dear lady, I beg and beseech her,
<br>Please bow to my whim,
<br>And explain to me, nim,
<br>For I'm such a curious creature".
</p>
<p>She said: "I've defined a catenary,
<br>And taught you equations in denary,
<br>But you never will do
<br>Higher maths in base two
<br>If you study until your centenary!"
</p>

<h2>John McEnroe</h2>
<p>Gutter press label Big Mac a brat,
<br>One can hardly take issue with that,
<br>He disputes many calls,
<br>And abuses his balls,
<br>But he still is one hell of a cat.
</p>
<p>[The above was first published in <a href="http://
www.evandervaart.nl/news/reviews.html#abookoflimericks"><i>A Book Of
Limericks</i></a>]
</p>

<h2>Judge Macrae</h2>
<p>There was a fair judge named Macrae
<br>Who said to a bloke, Doyle, today:
<br>"A menace you are
<br>With the guns in your car -
<br><a href="http://www.evandervaart.nl/news/black-drug-dealers-
article.html">Five years</a> for you. Take 'im away!"
</p>

<h2>Lord Arsehole</h2>
<p>There was once an <i><a href="http://www.evandervaart.nl/news/
longford_poem.html">eccentric old peer</a></i>
<br>Who exclaimed: "'Tis depressing, I fear
<br>That some folk in this nation
<br>Believe their low station
<br>Is worth more than four grand a year".
</p>

<h2>Lord Arsehole (2)</h2>
<p>When a half-wit do-gooder named Pakenham
<br>Took a con to the races ar Fakenham,
<br>He exclaimed: Oh dear me,
<br>My card, wallet and key
<br>I have lost. (Sap! The dipper had taken 'em).
</p>

<h2>Mike McShane</h2>
<p>There was a young homo, McShane,
<br>Who said: Sex in the arse is a pain,
<br>But the pain is, I fear,
<br>Far outweighed for a queer
<br>By the pleasure: let's do it again!
</p>

<h2>Mirella Beechook</h2>
<p>When a child was found dead, they said: Hell a
<br>Lunatic's on the loose, sick sick fella,
<br>But they all were struck dumb
<br>When the cops charged a mum
<br>With the murder, the wicked Mirella.
</p>

<h2>Miss Godiva</h2>
<p>There was once a young lass named Godiva,
<br>Who went out with a taxi cab driver,
<br>"I don't mind doing stripping",
<br>She told him, "but whipping
<br>Or bondage'll cost you a fiver."
</p>

<h2>Mork The Polack</h2>
<p>There's a fellow called Mork, a Po-lack,
<br>Who regrets that he wasn't born black,
<br>Or so I have heard,
<br>Cost he married a bird
<br>Who of melanin pigments no lack.
</p>

<h2>Moscow Manoeuvres</h2>
<p>When a randy old Russian named Giat
<br>Took a girl for a ride in his Fiat,
<br>He asked her "Com-rade,
<br>Would you like to get laid?"
<br>But the girl slapped his face and said "Nyet!"
</p>
<p>[The above was first published in <a href="http://
www.evandervaart.nl/news/reviews.html#abookoflimericks"><i>A Book Of
Limericks</i></a>]
</p>

<h2>Myleene Klass (1)</h2>
<p>There was a young lady named Klass,
<br>Who said: You Old Bill are a farce,
<br>Because I'll use a knife
<br>To defend limb and life,
<br>And if you should object - kiss my arse!
</p>

<h2>Myleene Klass (2)</h2>
<p>A worried young mother known as Myleene Klass
<br>Waved a knife at intruders through her kitchen glass,
<br>And thought it most odd
<br>To get warned off by plod,
<br>Telling them: "You dumb rozzers can kiss my sweet arse!"
</p>

<h2>Nigel Brooks (1)</h2>
<p>There was an old fellow named Brooks
<br>Who boasted of capturing crooks,
<br>And loving hard work,
<br>The poor guy's such a jerk,
<br>And as daft as a brush in my books.
</p>

<h2>Nigel Brooks (2)</h2>
<p>There was a bloke Brooks, who was said to love Jews,
<br>Regardless of how foul their deeds or their views,
<br>But when told of a plan
<br>To bomb sovereign Iran
<br>He replied: "That accords with my pacifist views!"
</p>

<h2>Nineteen-Eighty-Four</h2>
<p>A good year was 1984,
<br>With Bhopal, Ethiopia and more,
<br>Like the miners on strike,
<br>And the <i>gay</i> man and dike
<br>Both dying of AIDS by the score.
</p>
<p>But living's not been such a blister,
<br>Least not for the housewife and mister
<br>Of Britain; Big Brother
<br>Is not here to smother
<br>Our freedom, instead, there's Big Sister!
</p>
<p>December 21, 1984.
</p>
<p>[Ten years after writing this I realised that dikes don't die of
AIDS!]
</p>

<h2>No Ball</h2>
<p>Said the big hitting batsman, Clive Lloyd:
<br>If a whitewash you wish to avoid,
<br>Then I'll have to suggest
<br>When it's time for the test,
<br>Mr Gower, you're elsewhere employed.
</p>

<h2>No Go For Coe</h2>
<p>There was once a young runner named Coe
<br>Who said: Yes, it's a shame I can't go,
<br>But I don't give a damn
<br>For the likes of Steve Cram,
<br>How good I am, you already know.
<br>And I've got two ****ing gold medals to prove it.
</p>
<p>[The above was first published in <a href="http://
www.evandervaart.nl/news/reviews.html#abookoflimericks"><i>A Book Of
Limericks</i></a>]
</p>

<h2>No Will Power: A Limeraiku</h2>
<p>Fast. But can it last
<br>Twelve hour? No will power!
<br>Can it last? No! Blast!
</p>
<p>[The above was first published in <a href="http://
www.evandervaart.nl/news/reviews.html#abookoflimericks"><i>A Book Of
Limericks</i></a>]
</p>

<h2>Ode To DOS</h2>
<p>For the ST I don't give a toss,
<br>And the Mac's famous front end is dross,
<br>For the Arch' and Amiga
<br>I've never been eager
<br>Because I'm addicted to DOS!
</p>

<h2>Oliver Tambo</h2>
<p>Does the ANC's Oliver Tambo
<br>Think he's some kind of African Rambo?
<br>Well, he jolly well aint,
<br>With his Black Power taint
<br>That man's naught but an uppity Sambo!
</p>

<h2>On A Modern Cynic</h2>
<p>There was once an old fellow who lived in a tub
<br>Disdainful of wine, women, song and good grub,
<br>But when offered shares
<br>In BT, he said: Where's
<br>My cheque book? such easy dosh I cannot snub!
</p>
<p>[The above was first published in <a href="http://
www.evandervaart.nl/news/baron-computer-programs.html"><i>Limericks On-
Line</i></a>]
</p>

<h2>On Akena Adoko</h2>
<p>A self-employed shyster, Adoko,
<br>Whose pleadings are rather a joke-o,
<br>Is now in the pit
<br>Branded vexatious lit',
<br>After driving a High Court judge cocoa.
</p>

<h2>On Alekhine</h2>
<p>It's well known the great Alekhine
<br>In his personal life was not fine,
<br>But when he contemplated,
<br>The game levitated:
<br>His combinations were divine.
</p>
<p>[The above was first published in <i>CHESS POST</i>, Issue No. 235,
Vol 42, No. 4 September 2004, page 243 under <i>Readers' Letters</i>.]
</p>

<h2>On Amanda Dowler</h2>
<p>A lovely young maiden named Dowler
<br>Was kidnapped, and she didn't howl, 'er;
<br>Silent carried away,
<br>Now this September day
<br>I'm informed that she looks rather foul, 'er.
</p>
<p>September 20, 2002

</p><h2>On An Anonymous Nigerian</h2>
<p>There's a fellow called Ob from Nigeria,
<br>Whose gob is distinctly superior,
<br>Which is rather good luck,
<br>For his brain's full of muck
<br>Of a kind that's distinctly inferior.
</p>
<p>January 29, 1985
</p>
<p>[The above was first published in <a href="http://
www.evandervaart.nl/news/reviews.html#abookoflimericks"><i>A Book Of
Limericks</i></a> as <i>On A Gentleman I Used To Know, But Will, For
Obvious Reasons, Remain Nameless</i>.]
</p>

<h2>On An An Unusual Mugger</h2>
<p>A black man who's just battered a blond
<br>Is a folk hero over The Pond,
<br>For the black man is Ray,
<br>(Sweet as Sugar, they say),
<br>And the blond is one Donny Lalonde.
</p>

<h2>On Blunkett's Downfall</h2>
<p>Adultery isn't a sin,
<br>But if you **** Kimberly Quinn,
<br>While Home Secretary,
<br>You'd better be wary,
<br>You might have to pack the job in.
</p>

<h2>On D. D. Home</h2>
<p>Said a medium fellow named Home:
<br>"From thin air I'll make in this room
<br>A ghostly apport."
<br>"Yes", came the retort,
<br>"When the lights are turned out, I presume!"
</p>

<h2>On David Blaine</h2>
<p>There is a magician named Blaine
<br>Who stood on a plinth in the rain;
<br>His tricks are real clever,
<br>But baby you'll never
<br>Convince me he isn't insane.
</p>

<h2>On David Blunkett</h2>
<p>Dave Blunkett is one of a kind,
<br>But one thing that puzzles my mind,
<br>You don't need be very
<br>Smart to secretary,
<br>But how does he type if he's blind?
</p>

<h2>On Frank Bruno</h2>
<p>There was an ex-boxer named Bruno
<br>Who's not brain of Britain, as you know,
<br>But recently he
<br>Has been going loon-y,
<br>As all members of his old crew know.
</p><p>October 20, 2003
</p>

<h2>On George Adamski</h2>
<p>There was a con-man named Ski-Adam,
<br>Who said: Your believing me, Madam,
<br>And buying books
<br>From this most bare-faced of crooks
<br>Makes me rich, (and you know that they're mad 'em).
</p>

<h2>On Iain Duncan Smith</h2>
<p>There was a bloke named IDS
<br>Who said: "Though this party's a mess,
<br>My apathy is
<br>So great for this bus-
<br>I-ness, that I couldn't care less".
</p>

<h2><i>On Immanuel Velikovsky
<br>And His Detractors</i></h2>
<p>Velikovsky the euhemerist
<br>Must be daft as a brush to insist
<br>That Venus collided
<br>With Mars and then glided
<br>To where to this day it persist'.
</p>
<p>Or perhaps the poor fellow was drunk,
<br>Or as mad as an old Tsarist monk,
<br>For when one analyses
<br>His weirdo surmises
<br>And theories, they're shown up as bunk!
</p>
<p>But the men with a sci'ntific yen
<br>Won themselves little credit back then,
<br>By the paranoid treatment
<br>They gave to his statement,
<br>Suppressing the works of his pen.
</p>
<p>Still, we've come to expect men of science
<br>To insist on the total compliance
<br>Of the comm-un-i-ty
<br>With the way that they see
<br>Laws and theories: God help the defiants!
</p>
<p>For it seems that religion has not
<br>Quite a total monopoly got
<br>Of the bigoted type
<br>Who de-pre-cate as tripe
<br>The less orthodox reasoning lot.
</p>
<p>Because science is an oligarchy,
<br>And the scientists are despots who see
<br>Every man in the street
<br>As outside the elite
<br>If he hasn't an honours degree.
</p>
<p>But they're nice people, and I don't jest
<br>When I say they've more brains than the rest,
<br>As have all our dictators,
<br>And like all dictators
<br>They know who is right and what's best.
</p>

<h2>On James Randi</h2>
<p>There was a magician named Randi
<br>Who said: Uri Geller's a dandy,
<br>He always can bend
<br>Spoons and forks, but, my friend,
<br>Only when a magician's not handy.
</p>

<h2>On John Leslie</h2>
<p>John Leslie a rapist? May-be,
<br>But what is a near certain-ty,
<br>Is that Ulrika J,
<br>Game, or unwilling lay,
<br>Has ****ed his career in TV.
</p>

<h2>On Literary Genius</h2>
<p>Billy Shakespeare a writer was who
<br>Was a genius, Milton was too,
<br>But the brightest young men
<br>With a yen
<br>For the pen
<br>Are the Japs - they've the greatest hai-ku!
</p>
<p>[The above was first published in <a href="http://
www.evandervaart.nl/news/reviews.html#abookoflimericks"><i>A Book Of
Limericks</i></a>]
</p>

<h2>On Michael Jackson</h2>
<p>There is queer fellow named Jacko,
<br>Regarded by all as a whacko,
<br>He owns lots of toys,
<br>And he sleeps with young boys,
<br>And he's not sure if he's white or black-o.
</p>

<h2>On Mike Tyson</h2>
<p>There was an old woman named Roper
<br>Who said: My girl married a groper
<br>Who thought it a jape
<br>To fondle and rape,
<br>Now he's doing six years - a no-hoper.
</p>

<h2>On Nadine Milroy-Sloan</h2>
<p>There was a young lady named Sloan,
<br>Who went to the coppers to moan:
<br>"A victim of rape!"
<br>She cried, then agape
<br>Looked on, as in clink she was thrown.
</p>

<h2>On Paul Kurtz</h2>
<p>Said a learnéd philosopher, Kurtz:
<br>Atheism is something that hurts;
<br>I'd like to live forever,
<br>Alas, I will never;
<br>Death is everyman's just desserts.
</p>

<h2>On Philip Klass</h2>
<p>Said a Ufo researcher named Klass:
<br>There are no little green men, alas,
<br>And strange lights in the sky
<br>Can play tricks on the eye,
</p>
<p>And so can <a href="http://www.evandervaart.nl/news/
limericks.html#adamski">George Adamski</a>, the ass!
</p>

<h2>On Psychic Detectives</h2>
<p>The truth is, the psychic detective
<br>Is quite useless and <a href="http://www.evandervaart.nl/news/
psychic_detective_intro.html">ineffective</a>,
<br>That crimes are solved by
<br>Such con men, I'll deny,
<br>The evidence for...is defective.
</p>

<h2>On SARS</h2>
<p>A terrible blight is this SARS,
<br>It kills old folk, kids, and their ma's,
<br>Hong Kong's in the thick,
<br>But the Chinks aren't as sick
<br>As the vectors of filth in <i>gay</i> bars.
</p>

<h2>On Scott (Don Quixote) Lomax</h2>
<p>There was once a young author, Lomax
<br>Who said: J. Bamber I'll never axe,
<br>For he's not guilty, though
<br>I can't see how 'tis so,
<br>But I plead, "Don't confuse me with facts!"
</p>

<h2>On Siegmund Freud</h2>
<p>There once was a doctor named Freud,
<br>Who was probably mad, paranoid,
<br>To him, always sex
<br>Was a problem, a hex,
<br>A thing to be cured, not enjoyed.
</p>
<p>[The above was first published in <a href="http://
www.evandervaart.nl/news/reviews.html#abookoflimericks"><i>A Book Of
Limericks</i></a>]
</p>

<h2>On Ted Bundy</h2>
<p>There was a strange fellow named Ted
<br>Who bashed young girls over the head,
<br>They fried sicko Bundy
<br>The day after Monday,
<br>And folk rejoiced that he was dead.
</p>

<h2>On The Limerick</h2>
<p>The limerick form may not be
<br>Quite the purest or best poetry,
<br>But at least it's not full
<br>(Like some stanzas) of bull,
<br>And didactical pomposity.
</p>
<p>[The above was first published in <a href="http://
www.evandervaart.nl/news/reviews.html#abookoflimericks"><i>A Book Of
Limericks</i></a>]
</p>

<h2>On The Marshall Attack</h2>
<p>It's well known the Marshall Attack
<br>Is very aggressive for black,
<br>But first time 'twas played,
<br>Capa', bold, unafraid,
<br>Grabbed the pawn and gave Marshall a whack.
</p>
<p>[The above was first published in <i>CHESS POST</i>, Issue No. 235,
Vol 42, No. 4 September 2004, page 243 under <i>Readers' Letters</i>.]
</p>

<h2>On The Son Of God</h2>
<p>There was once a young fellow named <a href="http://
www.evandervaart.nl/news/icke_sonnet.html">Icke</a>
<br>Who said: People can think what they like -
<br>I'm the Prophet of God
<br>And a wealthy young sod,
<br>So I don't care if they take the mike.
</p>
<p>[The above was first published in <a href="http://
www.evandervaart.nl/news/baron-computer-programs.html"><i>Limericks On-
Line</i></a>]
</p>

<h2>On Ulrika Jonsson</h2>
<p>There was an old slapper, Ulrika,
<br>A well-known publicity seeker,
<br>Who turned men quite pale
<br>When she swallowed her ale
<br>With one fell swig from a pint beaker.
</p>

<h2>Only A Kiss - A Limeraiku</h2>
<p>A kiss
<br>May be bliss,
<br>But there's more
<br>(Of that I'm sure),
<br>To true love than this.
</p>

<h2>Oscar Wilde</h2>
<p>There once was a writer named Wilde,
<br>Whose sexual habits weren't mild,
<br>In fact they'd appear
<br>To be shockingly queer,
<br>For a nobleman's son he defiled.
</p>
<p>The Marquis, he sent Wilde a note:
<br>To the sodomite Oscar, he wrote.
<br>Oscar Wilde sued for libel,
<br>But soon got an eyeful,
<br>And backed down against the old goat.
</p>
<p>Shortly afterwards came his arrest,
<br>And poor Oscar was surely distressed
<br>When sentenced to do
<br>Hard labour for two
<br>Long years as Her Majesty's guest.
</p>
<p>On release from his punishment place,
<br>He departed in shame and all haste,
<br>Thus, hard up and exiled
<br>Did poor Oscar Wilde
<br>Spend the rest of his life in disgrace.
</p>
<p>[The above was first published in <a href="http://
www.evandervaart.nl/news/reviews.html#abookoflimericks"><i>A Book Of
Limericks</i></a>]
</p>

<h2>Patrick Moore</h2>
<p>Said an ancient astronomer named Patrick Moore:
<br>At one time of a night I'd see clusters galore,
<br>But of late I can't spy
<br>With my unaided eye
<br>More than twenty; my vision with age has grown poor.
</p>
<p>[The above was first published in <a href="http://
www.evandervaart.nl/news/reviews.html#abookoflimericks"><i>A Book Of
Limericks</i></a>]
</p>

<h2>Pie-Die</h2>
<p>There was once an unfortunate fella
<br>Who survived his wife's arsenic paella,
<br>Then went out and bought
<br>A chicken pie, caught,
<br>And dropped dead from a bad salmonella.
</p>

<h2>Pim Fortuyn R.I.P.</h2>
<p>There was a bald faggot named Pim,
<br>In Holland, went out on a limb,
<br>Now he's been shot dead,
<br>Gunned down by a red:
<br>The left didn't think much of him.
</p>

<h2>Queer Talk</h2>
<p>Said the <a href="http://www.evandervaart.nl/news/
chief_whip_sonnet.html">Member for Billericay</a>
<br>To <a href="http://www.evandervaart.nl/news/
songfacts.html#gladtobeasodomite">Tom Robinson</a>: What can I say?
<br>You're a brave little ****,
<br>It takes plenty of front
<br>To both sing and be glad to be <i>gay</i>.
</p>
<p>[The above was first published in <a href="http://
www.evandervaart.nl/news/reviews.html#abookoflimericks"><i>A Book Of
Limericks</i></a>]
</p>

<h2>Radio Four</h2>
<p>Do you think it's because I'm a bore
<br>That I listen to Radio Four?
<br>True, it isn't much fun,
<br>Unlike Radio One,
<br>But it's quality isn't as poor.
</p>

<h2>Reg The Veg</h2>
<p>There was this vegetarian lawyer
<br>An eccentric named Reginald Goya,
<br>Who would eat only greens,
<br>Baked and harricot beans,
<br>Wholemeal bread, and occas'nally, soya.
</p>

<h2>Reply To An Allegation Of Spamming</h2>
<p>If my limericks you don't like,
<br>I would suggest: Dude, on yer bike!
<br>The kill file is there
<br>For all you who care
<br>My anapaest ravings to spike.
</p>

<h2>Saddam On Blair</h2>
<p>There was an old man of Iraq
<br>Who said: "Things don't look quite so black
<br>Now that Tony Blair
<br>Has had his heart scare,
<br>Pity 'twas not a full blown attack!"
</p>
<p>October 20, 2003
</p>

<h2>Save Then Spend</h2>
<p>If you should see something you want
<br>But you're hard up, there's no need to rant,
<br>Just say: Fair enough,
<br>I'll buy it soon, though
<br>As things stand at the moment, I can't.
</p>

<h2>Screwed Up</h2>
<p>This guy screwed a virginal chick,
<br>He thought he was one clever dick,
<br>He may well have been,
<br>But the chick was fifteen,
<br>Now this clever dick is in the nick!
</p>

<h2>Sue The Slag</h2>
<p>There's a flat-chested scrubber named Sue,
<br>Ugly feet, and her teeth are bad, too,
<br>I don't know her real name,
<br>Nor what kind of weird game
<br>She was playing, but wow, could she screw!
</p>

<h2>Sid Vicious</h2>
<p>There was a punk rocker named Sid,
<br>He made a few records, and quid,
<br>His girfriend, he done in,
<br>His life was in ru-in,
<br>So he thought he'd goof off - and he did!
</p>

<h2>Slack Alice</h2>
<p>When a girl who lived near Crystal Palace
<br>Told a friend she regarded with malice
<br>Her new neighbour: "Old goat,
<br>I'd slit open his throat".
<br>Her friend said: "You're a wicked ****, Alice!"
</p>

<h2>Smart Mart</h2>
<p>When a dirty old homo called Martin
<br>Ate some onions, he couldn't stop fartin',
<br>Till a spade stuck his pump
<br>Up the nancy boy's rump,
<br>Now poor Martin's not fartin' but smartin'.
</p>

<h2>Something Fishy</h2>
<p>Said an eel to a fish: It does seem
<br>Rather strange seeing you swim upstream,
<br>When salmon do this
<br>There's nothing amiss,
<br>But you're not one of them, you're a bream!
</p>

<h2>Sound Of Mind</h2>
<p>The study of things psychological,
<br>Would be ever so less scatological,
<br>And the anal complex
<br>Not continue to vex
<br>If S. Freud were declared,
<br>To be ment'lly impaired,
<br>And his work were compared
<br>With the great <i>Kapital</i>
<br>As pompous, banal,
<br>And in total, quite nonsensological.
</p>

<h2>Strange Brew</h2>
<p>Said an off-beat chef: "When you review
<br>My new book, please don't mention the stew,
<br>Which includes sweet potato,
<br>Brown rice, squid, tomato,
<br>And pickled rump steak of gnu".
</p>

<h2>The Accountant From Glasgow</h2>
<p>An accountant from Glasgow named Mac
<br>Told his client: It must be a hack
<br>For your company is
<br>Doing excellent bus-
<br>Iness - and should be well in the black.
</p>
<p>[The above was first published in <a href="http://
www.evandervaart.nl/news/baron-computer-programs.html"><i>Limericks On-
Line</i> as <i>The Glasgow Accountant</i></a>]
</p>

<h2>The A-Loo-Shun Kid</h2>
<p>Was a teenager from the Aleutians
<br>In his trousers made awful pollutions,
<br>For it seems that his Mum
<br>Never trained her young son
<br>In the proper use of the ablutions.
</p>

<h2>The Bank Clerk</h2>
<p>Said a bank teller named J.B. Rhine
<br>To a customer: "You thieving swine,
<br>I don't need ESP to divine
<br>That you've stolen that cheque",
<br>And grabbed him by the neck,
<br>"Cos that signature's bloody well mine!"
</p>

<h2>The Clergyman's Daughter</h2>
<p>Said a clergyman's daughter from Ealing,
<br>"Being raped was a horrible feeeling,
<br>But the acts of the press
<br>Caused me mental distress
<br>Of a kind that was no more appealing."
</p>
<p>[The above was first published in <a href="http://
www.evandervaart.nl/news/reviews.html#abookoflimericks"><i>A Book Of
Limericks</i></a>]
</p>

<h2>The Computer Consultant</h2>
<p>There was once a young fellow named Moss
<br>Who said: Do this to minimise loss -
<br>Back up all that you write,
<br>Run chkdsk every night
<br>And save files when you exit to DOS.
</p>
<p>[The above was first published in <a href="http://
www.evandervaart.nl/news/baron-computer-programs.html"><i>Limericks On-
Line</i></a>]
</p>

<h2>The Cow From Cowes</h2>
<p>There was once a young housewife of Cowes,
<br>Who was contemptuous of her vows,
<br>Till her husband found out,
<br>Gave the hussy a clout,
<br>And for weeks they had terrible rows.
</p>

<h2>The Decorative Ponce</h2>
<p>There was once a decorative ponce
<br>Who designed cards in several fonts
<br>To advertise whores
<br>To perform dirty chores
<br>And satisfy old fellows' wants.
</p>

<h2>The Dirty Dieter</h2>
<p>There was once a young man who said: Swimming
<br>Is an excellent method of slimming,
<br>But a far quicker way
<br>To lose weight if you're gay
<br>Is to practice fellatio and rimming!
</p>
<p>[The above was first published in <a href="http://
www.evandervaart.nl/news/baron-computer-programs.html"><i>Limericks On-
Line</i></a>]
</p>

<h2>The Dirty Whore Named Pat (1)</h2>
<p>There was a young lady named Pat,
<br>Who said: Oh I do so love scat,
<br>But the first guy she saw
<br>Said: You vile, depraved whore,
<br>I'd have to be sick to do that.
</p>

<h2>The Dirty Whore Named Pat (2)</h2>
<p>There was a young lady named Pat,
<br>Who said: Oh I do so love scat,
<br>I don't give two ****s
<br>For the pricks of young bucks,
<br>But I like them to **** in my ****.
</p>

<h2>The Doctor From Backenham</h2>
<p>When a dirty old doctor from Beckenham
<br>Told twin girls with VD he was checkin' 'em,
<br>They replied: "Doctor do
<br>But be careful that you
<br>Don't catch gonn when you're stickin' your peck in 'em".
</p>

<h2>The Doctor From Putney</h2>
<p>There was once a queer doctor from Putney
<br>Who advised a young man that his cut knee
<br>Would heal better if treated
<br>With poultice of heated
<br>Asparagus powder and chutney.
</p>

<h2>The Doctor Named Phoebe</h2>
<p>There was a charming lady doctor by the name of Phoebe
<br>Who said: "My homo patients make me realise how clean we be,
<br>They **** each other up the bum,
<br>Eat ****, drink **** and suck on cum,
<br>And they're infested with AIDS, gonorrhoea and amoebae."
</p>

<h2>The Dope(y) Runner</h2>
<p>Was a dealer in H from Montana
<br>At the airport was stopped at a scanner,
<br>Not because the dope showed
<br>(For he had it well stowed),
<br>But because of his jittery manner.
</p>

<h2>The Drunken Driver</h2>
<p>There was once a drunken driver from the State of Alabama,
<br>Who came up before a circuit judge who said: "I'm gonna hammer
<br>You for knocking down a ranger,
<br>You're most certainly a danger
<br>Tp the public, so you're gonna serve a seven in the slammer.
</p>

<h2>The Fellow Of Ness</h2>
<p>Was a fellow of Ness, name of Jock
<br>Whose proud boast was: The size of my cock
<br>Is far bigger than
<br>That of any man
<br>Or of anything found in the Loch!
</p>
<p>[The above was first published in <a href="http://
www.evandervaart.nl/news/baron-computer-programs.html"><i>Limericks On-
Line</i></a>]
</p>

<h2>The Girl From Aberystwyth</h2>
<p>A delightful girl from Aberystwyth
<br>Told her boyfriend: "I've two lips to kiss with,
<br>And until we are wed
<br>You'll stay out of my bed,
<br>For my fanny is strictly to **** with."
</p>

<h2>The Girl From Andorra</h2>
<p>There's a charming your lass of Andorra,
<br>Who at night was a terrible snorer,
<br>So say David and Gary,
<br>Les, Tom, Dick and Harry,
<br>They know that because they all bore 'er.
</p>

<h2>The Girl From Norway</h2>
<p>There was a young girl, a Norwegian,
<br>Went to bed with a kinky Glaswegian,
<br>She said to him, "Jock,
<br>Whyever's your cock
<br>Exploring my nethermost region?"
</p>
<p>[The above was first published in <a href="http://
www.evandervaart.nl/news/baron-computer-programs.html"><i>Limericks On-
Line</i></a>]
</p>

<h2>The Good Knight</h2>
<p>It's often been said, on a rim
<br>A knight looks incredibly dim,
<br>But on a strong square
<br>Like Q5, have a care:
<br>Your good bishop is no match for him.
</p>
<p>[The above was first published in <i>CHESS POST</i>, Issue No. 235,
Vol 42, No. 4 September 2004, page 243 under <i>Readers' Letters</i>.]
</p>

<h2>The Gravy Train</h2>
<p>The nationalised industries' profits
<br>Have for many years been in the red,
<br>For these poor overstafféd Miss Moffets
<br>Have been fleeced from the tail to the head
<br>By the overtime racket
<br>Which boosts the pay packet
<br>Of ev-e-ry blue collar worker,
<br>And the perks which are lining the jacket
<br>Of ev-e-ry white collar shirker
<br>While the tax and rate payers are bled.
</p>
<p>[The above was first published as <i>A Double Limerick: The Gravy
Train</i> in <a href="http://www.evandervaart.nl/news/
reviews.html#abookoflimericks"><i>A Book Of Limericks</i></a>]
</p>

<h2>The Harlot From Eltham</h2>
<p>Said a flat-chested harlot from Eltham,
<br>When she serviced a nigger from Feltham:
<br>"Please don't fondle my tits,
<br>Or they might fall to bits,
<br>And don't breathe on them, or you might melt 'em".
</p>

<h2>The Lad From Skegness</h2>
<p>When a bashful young lad from Skegness
<br>By the surgeon was told to undress,
<br>He said: Spare me blush, Doc,
<br>If you nurse sees my cock,
<br>I will surely collapse with distress.
</p>

<h2>The Lady Poet</h2>
<p>I like poets with vigour and zest,
<br>Sir John Betjamin's one of the best,
<br>But my favourite one
<br>Is the woman who's done
<br>All those limerick things: Anna Pest!
</p>

<h2>The Lodger From Reading</h2>
<p>When a young lodger staying in Reading
<br>Made a habit of soiling his bedding,
<br>His landlady said:
<br>"You keep doing that, Fred,
<br>And it's out of this household you're heading."
</p>

<h2>The Longshoreman's Daughter</h2>
<p>When a longshoreman's daughter named Paula
<br>Went to bed with the sparks ofa trawler,
<br>He was rough and abused
<br>The poor girl till she bruised,
<br>And enquired: "Must you be such a mawler?"
</p>

<h2>The Mark Kaylor Fan Club (WHNF)</h2>
<p>Where fight fans are concerned, it's true Kaylor's
<br>Seldom need to use mikes or loud hailers,
<br>And it's often been said
<br>They despise Natty Dread,
<br>Errol Christie, and groups like the Wailers.
</p>
<p>[The above was first published in <a href="http://
www.evandervaart.nl/news/reviews.html#abookoflimericks"><i>A Book Of
Limericks</i></a>]
</p>

<h2>The Masonic Accountant</h2>
<p>An ambitious accountant named Hodges
<br>Who invented some clever tax dodges,
<br>Is admired by his peers,
<br>And for seventeen years
<br>Has been patronised by all the lodges.
</p>
<p>[The above was first published in <a href="http://
www.evandervaart.nl/news/reviews.html#abookoflimericks"><i>A Book Of
Limericks</i></a>]
</p>

<h2>The Nasty Old Sheikh</h2>
<p>There was once a rich Arab, a nasty old sheikh,
<br>Who seduced a young peasant girl down by the lake.
<br>"You're as ugly as Hell!"
<br>He chastised her, and "smell
<br>Like a goat, so a concubine you'll never make."
</p>
<p>[The above was first published in <a href="http://
www.evandervaart.nl/news/reviews.html#abookoflimericks"><i>A Book Of
Limericks</i></a>]
</p>

<h2>The Old Fellow Named Foster</h2>
<p>There was an old fellow named Foster
<br>Sent his daughter day tripping to Gloucester,
<br>This young girl full of zest
<br>Met a fellow named West,
<br>And alas, now her poor father's lost 'er.
</p>

<h2>The Old Lesbian</h2>
<p>There was once an old lesbian, Julie
<br>Who declined to have sex with a coolie
<br>With a tart: That's no thrill
<br>****ing old Sun Chung-Kill;
<br>I'd be much better off with some mooli!
</p>
<p>[The above was first published in <a href="http://
www.evandervaart.nl/news/baron-computer-programs.html"><i>Limericks On-
Line</i></a>]
</p>

<h2>The Old Man Of Thermopylae</h2>
<p>There was an old man of Thermopylae
<br>Who couldn't get hard-ons properly,
<br>He wanked and he spanked,
<br>He yanked and he cranked,
<br>But his prick would stand up only floppily.
</p>
<p>[The above was first published in <a href="http://
www.evandervaart.nl/news/reviews.html#abookoflimericks"><i>A Book Of
Limericks</i></a>]
</p>

<h2>The Old Man With A Beard</h2>
<p>There was an old man with a beard
<br>Who said: "It is just as I feared,
<br>Two pheasants a-plucking,
<br>Two turkeys a-****ing,
<br>Two owls coughing pellets,
<br>Two swans and two pullets
<br>Have all of them **** in and smeared
<br>And thoroughly dirtied my beard.
</p>
<p>[The above was first published in <a href="http://
www.evandervaart.nl/news/reviews.html#abookoflimericks"><i>A Book Of
Limericks</i></a>]
</p>

<h2>The Punching Postman</h2>
<p>There was once a pro boxer named Funches
<br>Who delivered more letters than punches,
<br>As Frank Bruno found out
<br>In their ill-fated bout,
<br>When he bombed the poor bloke with his bunches...
<br>Of fives.
</p>

<h2>The Psycho From Wokingham</h2>
<p>There was a young psycho from Wokingham,
<br>Went out with two girls without poking 'em,
<br>For neither would let 'im,
<br>And neither would pet 'im,
<br>Now e's doin' life for a-choking 'em.
</p>
<p>[The above was first published in <a href="http://
www.evandervaart.nl/news/reviews.html#abookoflimericks"><i>A Book Of
Limericks</i></a>]
</p>

<h2>The Siren Of Rei</h2>
<p>There once was a Siren of Rei,
<br>Whose methods were ever so sly,
<br>When she asked me to slay
<br>Her ex, I said: "No way",
<br>So she screamed: "Alexander, goodbye!"
</p>
<p>February 2, 2009
</p>

<h2>The Skinhead From Hull</h2>
<p>There was once a skinhead from Hull,
<br>Who thought weekends were terribly dull,
<br>Till he found the cure-all -
<br>Playing Sunday football
<br>With a Paki, that is with his skull!
</p>

<h2>The Spinster From Jarrow</h2>
<p>There once was a spinster from Jarrow
<br>Who excited her **** with a marrow,
<br>When asked why, she replied:
<br>"First a carrot, I tried,,
<br>But it fell out, for it was too narrow".
</p>

<h2>The Stork</h2>
<p>The stork stands with one leg off the ground,
<br>A feat for which he is renowned;
<br>He tried standing on none,
<br>But it couldn't be done,
<br>As agonisingly he found!
</p>
<p>[The above was first published in <a href="http://
www.evandervaart.nl/news/reviews.html#abookoflimericks"><i>A Book Of
Limericks</i></a>]
</p>

<h2>The Subway Vigilante</h2>
<p>There was once a young fellow named Goetz
<br>Who said: I've been mugged, and it sure hurts.
<br>So the next time a gang
<br>Attacked him, it was bang!
<br>His assailants got their just desserts.
</p>
<p>[The above was first published in <a href="http://
www.evandervaart.nl/news/baron-computer-programs.html"><i>Limericks On-
Line</i></a>]
</p>

<h2>The Sundrum Conundrum</h2>
<p>There's an Indian fellow named Sundra,
<br>Who's red hot at unrav'lling conundra,
<br>But when it comes to
<br>A cryptical clue
<br>In the <i>Times</i>, he goes cold as the tundra.
</p>

<h2>The Supermac Syndrome </h2>
<p>Said a victim of rape, Mrs Wood:
<br>I don't know my assailant, but could
<br>Tell he was a Conservative,
<br>For 'twas superlative;
<br>I've never had it so good!
</p>
<p>[The above was first published in <a href="http://
www.evandervaart.nl/news/reviews.html#abookoflimericks"><i>A Book Of
Limericks</i></a>]
</p>

<h2>The Swedish Vegetarian</h2>
<p>Said a young Swedish fellow named Bjorn:
<br>Though I once had a penchant for brawn
<br>I gave up eating meat
<br>And instead now I eat
<br>Vegeburger, cheese, tofu and Quorn.
</p>
<p>[The above was first published in <a href="http://
www.evandervaart.nl/news/baron-computer-programs.html"><i>Limericks On-
Line</i></a>]
</p>

<h2>The Trainee From FAST</h2>
<p>Said a trainee inspector from FAST
<br>The crime of software piracy's nast-
<br>Y, but I'm glad it's here
<br>Because one thing is clear:
<br>My new job's better paid than the last!
</p>

<h2>The Two Kenyans</h2>
<p>Said two Kenyans who bought an Atari
<br>(A laptop): Lucky young fellows are we
<br>Because ten years ago
<br>We could never, you know
<br>Take a hard disk and fax on safari.
</p>
<p>[The above was first published in <a href="http://
www.evandervaart.nl/news/baron-computer-programs.html"><i>Limericks On-
Line</i></a>]
</p>

<h2>The Very Lovely Lady</h2>
<p>There was a very lovely lady who when staying at the coast
<br>Received an intimate suggestion from the cousin of her host.
<br>"You'd like to do what?" she replied,
<br>"Well then, we'd better go outside,
<br>Cos though I like to drink and dance, it's oral sex I love the
most."
</p>
<p>[The above was first published in <a href="http://
www.evandervaart.nl/news/reviews.html#abookoflimericks"><i>A Book Of
Limericks</i></a>]
</p>

<h2>The Wanker</h2>
<p>He found jerking off so appealing,
<br>A curious, orgasmic feeling,
<br>That he lay on the floor,
<br>Hit the fireplace, the door,
<br>The window sill, wardrobe and ceiling.
</p>

<h2>The Whore From Down Under (1)</h2>
<p>When a whore from Australia, Sheila,
<br>Went to bed with a big City dealer
<br>She told the rich gent
<br>It'd cost a week's rent
<br>If he wanted to do more than feel 'er.
</p>
<p>[The above was first published in <a href="http://
www.evandervaart.nl/news/reviews.html#abookoflimericks"><i>A Book Of
Limericks</i></a>]
</p>

<h2>The Whore From Down Under (2)</h2>
<p>When a whore from Australia, Sheila
<br>Went to bed with a big City dealer
<br>As she gave him a gob
<br>They were caught on the job;
<br>"Christ," he said, "not another Chris Keeler!"
</p>
<p>[The above was first published in <a href="http://
www.evandervaart.nl/news/reviews.html#abookoflimericks"><i>A Book Of
Limericks</i></a>]
</p>

<h2>The Whore From Staines</h2>
<p>There was this businesswoman from Staines
<br>Who by hard work made capital gains,
<br>Of a night she'd report
<br>For work at the airport
<br>Where she'd service the crews of the planes.
</p>
<p>[The above was first published in <a href="http://
www.evandervaart.nl/news/reviews.html#abookoflimericks"><i>A Book Of
Limericks</i></a>]
</p>

<h2>The Young Fellow From Gillingham, Kent</h2>
<p>There was once a young fellow from Gillingham, Kent,
<br>Who when having it off with a girl in a tent
<br>Said: I doubt if you'll come,
<br>Cos I'm ****ing your bum,
<br>But she liked being buggered, so wouldn't relent.
</p>

<h2>The Young Fellow Named Grubba</h2>
<p>There was once a young fellow named Grubba
<br>Who went out with a dirty old Scrubber
<br>And wisely said: If
<br>I want to avoid syph',
<br>When I **** her I'd best use a rubber.
</p>

<h2>The Young Fellow Named Kruger</h2>
<p>A depressive young fellow named Kruger
<br>Contemplated the end with a Luger
<br>In his hand, but had not
<br>The courage, so got
<br>On a ferry, the one from Zeebrugge!
</p>
<p>[The above was first published in <a href="http://
www.evandervaart.nl/news/baron-computer-programs.html"><i>Limericks On-
Line</i></a>]
</p>

<h2>The Young Fellow Of Stoke</h2>
<p>A well-built young fellow of Stoke
<br>Told a whore that he wanted a poke
<br><i>Fellatio</i> fashion,
<br>And gave her a ration
<br>That made her cough, splutter and choke.
</p>

<h2>The Young Fellow Of Turkey</h2>
<p>There was once a young fellow of Turkey
<br>Whose sexual habits were murky,
<br>For he buggered a pig
<br>In the back of a Mig,
<br>And was known ever after as 'Perky.'
</p>
<p>[The above was first published in <a href="http://
www.evandervaart.nl/news/reviews.html#abookoflimericks"><i>A Book Of
Limericks</i></a>]
</p>

<h2>The Young Girl Of Manchester</h2>
<p>There was a young girl of Manchester
<br>Who assaulted a fellow from Leicester,
<br>And she fractured the skull
<br>Of a salesman from Hull
<br>At a dance, just because he carressed 'er.
</p>

<h2>The Young Girl Of Tahiti</h2>
<p>There was a young girl of Tahiti
<br>Who dreamed of the star Warren Beaty.
<br>"Wishful thinking, my lass,"
<br>Said her man, "cos your ass
<br>Ain't gonna get screwed by that sweetie."
</p>

<h2>The Young Girl Of Uttoxeter (1)</h2>
<p>There was once a young girl of Uttoxeter
<br>Who laced her Mum's food with hemlocks at a
<br>Local church fete,
<br>The poison she ate,
<br>Dropped dead, and a hungry old fox ate 'er.
</p>
<p>[The above was first published in <a href="http://
www.evandervaart.nl/news/reviews.html#abookoflimericks"><i>A Book Of
Limericks</i></a>]
</p>

<h2>The Young Girl Of Uttoxeter (2)</h2>
<p>There was once a young girl of Uttoxeter
<br>Who took on the touring Springboks at a
<br>Rugby event
<br>In an old marquee tent,
<br>And they each caught a dose of the pox off 'er.
</p>
<p>[The above was first published in <a href="http://
www.evandervaart.nl/news/reviews.html#abookoflimericks"><i>A Book Of
Limericks</i></a>]
</p>

<h2>The Young Lady From Bedford</h2>
<p>There was once a young lady from Bedford named Pratt
<br>Whose <i>ménagè a trois</i> practiced oral and scat;
<br>One lover would poke
<br>In her mouth, t'other bloke
<br>Would sit on and **** on her ****.
</p>

<h2>The Young Lady From Brighton</h2>
<p>There was a young lady from Brighton,
<br>Went to bed with a fella called Knighton,
<br>She said to him: Freddie,
<br>I'll never be ready
<br>As long as you won't turn the light on.
</p>
<p>He told her: You silly old clucker,
<br>You must think this Freddy's a trucker!
<br>He stood on the mat,
<br>His libido went flat,
<br>Now how could be possibly sleep?
</p>
<p>He turned on the light and said: Missy,
<br>You're really an exhibitissy!
<br>Please Fredi, don't be mad,
<br>For it isn't so bad,
<br>Come here love, and I'll give you a kissy.
</p>
<p>He went back to bed with the light on,
<br>With his missy, the lady from Brighton,
<br>They both got down to it,
<br>And Fred didn't rue it,
<br>Cos Knighton had found him a right 'un.
</p>
<p>[The above was first published in <a href="http://
www.evandervaart.nl/news/reviews.html#abookoflimericks"><i>A Book Of
Limericks</i></a>]
</p>

<h2>The Young Lady From Pimlico</h2>
<p>Ther was a young lady of Pimlico,
<br>Who, to put it midly, was dim-lico,
<br>For a month she ate nought
<br>Except bread, and drank stout,
<br>In an effort - she told me - to slim-lico.
</p>

<h2>The Young Lady From Slough</h2>
<p>There was a young lady from Slough,
<br>Who as soon as she'd taken her vow,
<br>Had it off with her groom
<br>On the top of a tomb
<br>In the churchyard, the randy old cow.
</p>
<p>The vicar said: "What a disgrace!
<br>'Tis a sacrilege here in this place".
<br>But the groom was quite willing,
<br>And said: "It's so thrilling
<br>To lie on a slab and embrace."
</p>

<h2>The Young Lady From Tchad</h2>
<p>When a charming young lady from Tchad
<br>Was seduced by a public school cad,
<br>She said: "Mr Carruthers,
<br>I've just told my brothers",
<br>To which he replied: "What? Egad!"
</p>

<h2>The Young Lady Of Penge</h2>
<p>There was once a young lady of Penge
<br>Who was raped on a trip to Stonehenge
<br>By her druidic guide
<br>Who is thought to have died
<br>When she bit off his nose in revenge.
<br>(Actually, it wasn't his nose).
</p>
<p>[The above was first published in <a href="http://
www.evandervaart.nl/news/reviews.html#abookoflimericks"><i>A Book Of
Limericks</i></a>]
</p>

<h2>The Young Maiden Of Jeddah</h2>
<p>There was a young maiden of Jeddah
<br>Whose tight-fisted parents ne'er fed 'er
<br>On curry and rice
<br>Or anything nice,
<br>For main course she had bread and cheddar.
</p>
<p>Brixton, 1997
</p>

<h2>The Young Man From Al Qeida</h2>
<p>There was a young man from Al Qeida
<br>Who dive bombed his father's hang glider,
<br>But 'twas not Jihad
<br>Killed the lad, said his Dad,
<br>It was twelve pints of Olde Englishe cider!
</p>

<h2>The Young Man Of Baghdad</h2>
<p>There was once a young man of Baghdad
<br>Told his friend: "Ali, I wish I had
<br>Not an Aladdin's lamp,
<br>(Too old-fashioned and camp),
<br>But an equally wondrous Amstrad!"
</p>

<h2>The Young Man Of Brasilia</h2>
<p>There was a young man of Brasilia
<br>Whose hobby was gerontophilia,
<br>Till his partner dropped dead,
<br>"I guess now," he said,
<br>"I'll have to take up necrophilia."
</p>

<h2>The Young Man Of Japan</h2>
<p>There was a young man of Japan
<br>Told his doctor: "I need a brain scan,
<br>Because I can't crap
<br>Unless I take a nap,"
<br>But the doc' just prescribed him some bran.
</p>
<p>[The above was first published in <a href="http://
www.evandervaart.nl/news/reviews.html#abookoflimericks"><i>A Book Of
Limericks</i></a>]
</p>

<h2>The Young Man Of Penang</h2>
<p>There was once a young man of Penang
<br>Who joined up with an arbitrage gang,
<br>He was big in the City
<br>Until, more's the pity,
<br>He lost all his dough in Big Bang.
</p>

<h2>The Young Man Of Rwanda</h2>
<p>There was once a young man of Rwanda
<br>Who had sex with a pig and a panda.
<br>I don't believe you.
<br>I've got photographs too!
<br>Have you really? Well, let's have a gander!
</p>
<p>[The above was first published in <a href="http://
www.evandervaart.nl/news/baron-computer-programs.html"><i>Limericks On-
Line</i></a>]
</p>

<h2>The Young Man Of The Bank</h2>
<p>There was once a young man of the Bank,
<br>Who thought it was some kind of a prank
<br>When the screens went all red -
<br>It's <i>Black Monday!</i> they said;
<br>When he realised the truth, his heart sank.
</p>

<h2>The Young Man Of Zaire</h2>
<p>There was once a young man of Zaire
<br>Who said: Though I've got AIDS, I'm not queer,
<br>For we have an aversion
<br>To white man's perversion,
<br>And rimming just isn't done here.
</p>
<p>[The above was first published in <a href="http://
www.evandervaart.nl/news/baron-computer-programs.html"><i>Limericks On-
Line</i></a>]
</p>

<h2>There Was A Young Man Of A Famous Welsh Town</h2>
<p>There was a young man of
Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysilio gogogoch,
<br>Who said: If you can find
<br>A word with that to rhyme,
<br>You're a better man than I'm!
</p>

<h2>They Gotta Lotta In Brazil</h2>
<p>A young man who owned a fazenda
<br>Was known to be ever so tenda
<br>With a person from Rio,
<br>A choirboy named Leo!
<br>In Brazil he's what's known as a benda.
</p>

<h2>To Lady Renouf</h2>
<p>Will you kindly tell Michele Renouf
<br>That her friend David Irving's a poof?
<br>And when she says "That's sick"
<br>Tell her contact Old Nick,
<br>He received irrefutable proof.
</p>

<h2>Two Limericks For Raoul Moat</h2>
<p>There once was a gunman named Moat,
<br>Who shook the Old Bill like a stoat,
<br>Alas, he's now done
<br>With his own trusty gun
<br>And a hole in his head 'bove his throat.
</p>
<p>There once was a bouncer named Raoul
<br>Who lost his rag, went on the prowl
<br>For eight days until
<br>Caught up by the Old Bill
<br>He went out with a bang and a scowl.
</p>

<h2>Up The Argies</h2>
<p>It was on the good ship <i>Venus</i>,
<br>O Christ, you should've seen us,
<br>We wapped the wops,
<br>Came out on tops,
<br>And captured the Malvinas!
</p>
<p>[The above was first published in <a href="http://
www.evandervaart.nl/news/reviews.html#abookoflimericks"><i>A Book Of
Limericks</i></a>]
</p>

<h2>Up The Front (1)</h2>
<p>If you're thinking of joining the Front,
<br>You must qualify, and, to be blunt,
<br>You most certainly will
<br>If you're mentally ill,
<br>Or a sadist, or some sort of div.
</p>
<p>It does help if you're young, hard and white,
<br>Even if you're unwilling to fight,
<br>For it may well be that
<br>Some Directorate cat
<br>Will adopt you as his cata-mite!
</p>
<p>[The above was first published in <a href="http://
www.evandervaart.nl/news/reviews.html#abookoflimericks"><i>A Book Of
Limericks</i></a>]
</p>

<h2>Up The Front (2)</h2>
<p>Said a National Front skinhead called Jack:
<br>"I'm not one to look down on a black,
<br>For there's no Master Race,
<br>Every man in his place,
<br>(Which for niggers means sending 'em back)".
</p>

<h2>Uri Geller</h2>
<p>There's an Israeli named Uri Geller
<br>Who I've heard is a tall story teller,
<br>I don't known if that's true,
<br>But this wily young Jew
<br>Is undoubtedly one clever feller.
</p>

<h2>Walker's No Balker</h2>
<p>Peter Walker, when asked about Thatcher:
<br>Don't you think that you Party should scratch 'er?
<br>'Stead of biting his lip.
<br>Came out with a nice quip:
<br>If the IRA only would snatch 'er...
<br>I wouldn't pay the ransom.
</p>
<p>[The above was first published in <a href="http://
www.evandervaart.nl/news/reviews.html#abookoflimericks"><i>A Book Of
Limericks</i></a>]
</p>

<h2>War Is War, Oy Vay</h2>
<p>Said an Israeli general called Mike:
<br>It's untrue that we Jews are war-like,
<br>Though we often react
<br>Just before we're attacked
<br>With what's known as a pre-emptive strike!
</p>
<p>[The above was first published in <a href="http://
www.evandervaart.nl/news/reviews.html#abookoflimericks"><i>A Book Of
Limericks</i></a>]
</p>

<h2>What Gilbert Should Have Written</h2>
<p>There was once an old man in a tree
<br>Who was stung on the prick by a bee,
<br>He asked an old lady:
<br>Such out the ma-lady,
<br>And got done for inde-cency.
</p>
<p>[The above was first published in <a href="http://
www.evandervaart.nl/news/reviews.html#abookoflimericks"><i>A Book Of
Limericks</i></a>]
</p>

<h2>Why Can't I Grow A Beard?</h2>
<p>Why can't I grow a beard?
<br>It's more than daft, it's weird,
<br>I'm twenty-eight,
<br>It's more than late
<br>Or overdue, I'm feared.
</p>
<p>A bit of fuzz would suit
<br>A face like mine, old fruit,
<br>The damn thing though
<br>Just will not grow,
<br>Or even spring to root.
</p>
<p>Could be deficiency
<br>Vitamin A or B,
<br>Or some such thing,
<br>It's bothering
<br>And really worr'ing me.
</p>
<p>Perhaps I shouldn't fret,
<br>Or worry or regret,
<br>For middle age
<br>Will not engage
<br>A man who's beardless yet.
</p>
<p>Yes! That must be the truth,
<br>In body I'm a youth,
<br>A latter day
<br>Dorian Gray
<br>Who'll ne'er grow long in tooth.
</p>
<p>Egad! That's mighty clever,
<br>For as long as I never
<br>Do sprout a growth
<br>That means I'll both
<br>Stay young and live forever!
</p>

<h2>Will U FO!</h2>
<p>There was a researcher named Klass
<br>Who said: Flying saucers? My ass!
<br>They only exist
<br>When people are ****ed,
<br>Or high sniffing coke, glue or gas.
</p>

<h2>Will U Kindly FO!</h2>
<p>There was an old fellow named Fry
<br>Who said: 'Tis no word of a lie,
<br>I met aliens who
<br>Were a saucer ship's crew,
<br>And they took me right up in the sky.
</p>

<h2>Wrong Arm Of The Law</h2>
<p>When cops raided a house (not a Barratt),
<br>And assaulted a woman named Jarret,
<br>Who was ever so fat,
<br>She dropped dead on the mat,
<br>And the streets began flowing with claret.
</p>
<p>[The above was first published in <a href="http://
www.evandervaart.nl/news/reviews.html#abookoflimericks"><i>A Book Of
Limericks</i></a>]
</p>

<h2>Wrong Number: A Double Limerick</h2>
<p>Said a mathematician to me:
<br>There's a number that isn't quite three
<br>That goes on forever,
<br>And if you are clever
<br>You'll know it, but what can it be?
</p>
<p>I said: Obviously, it's pi,
<br>But I saw by the look in his eye,
<br>I was wrong - It is e!
<br>The old sod said with glee,
<br>You are not half as clever as I!
</p>
<p>
<a href="http://www.evandervaart.nl/news/ITMA.html#HomePageIndex">Back
To Site Index</a>
</p>

</body></html>

10-28-2011

thedarkman wrote:
> Hey, you're write it does display, thanks; the only problem now is the
> code. What am I supposed to do with this?
>
> All the links are diffferent!
>

1) Why to you keep creating a *new* thread for the same old post?
2) Do not post tons of code...
3) Either got to the site and view source "CTRL+U" in Firefox and copy
the makeup as written and not translated
4) Or learn about the miracle of "Search and Replace"! Search for
"http://www.evandervaart.nl/news/" and replace with "" to restore
relative URLs

<snip>

> <br>Caught scabies and lice,
> <br>As well as both chancre and gonn.
> </p>
> <p>[The above was first published in<a href="http://www.evandervaart.nl/news/reviews.html#abookoflimericks"><i>A Book Of
> Limericks</i></a>]
> </p>

<snip a ton of code>

--
Take care,

Jonathan
-------------------
LITTLE WORKS STUDIO
http://www.LittleWorksStudio.com

10-28-2011

On 10/28/2011 2:12 PM, thedarkman wrote:
> Hey, you're write it does display, thanks; the only problem now is the
> code. What am I supposed to do with this?

Use it as an example of how your site *should* be coded? Just a thought.
>
> All the links are diffferent!

So fix them, stupid.

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