OT: olympics

If the Olympics were held in Glasgow



OPENING CEREMONY:

The Olympic flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the
city (preferably from the Easterhouse area), wearing the traditional costume
of shell suit ,baseball cap and balaclava mask. It will burn for the
duration of the games in a large chip van situated on the roof of the
stadium.



THE EVENTS

In previous Olympic games, Scotland's competitors have not

been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the
events have been altered slightly to the advantage of the local Glaswegian
athletes ie. 100 Metres sprint: Competitors will have to hold a video
recorder and microwave oven, one in each arm, and on the sound of the
starting pistol ,a police dog will be released from a cage 10 yards behind
the athletes.



100 Metres hurdles:

As above but with added obstacles (ie. car bonnets, hedges, gardens,fences
walls etc.)



Hammer:

Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use
(claw, sledge etc). The winner will be the one who can cause the most
grievous bodily harm to members of the public within the time allowed.



Fencing:

Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen silver and jewelry as
possible in 5 mins.



Shooting:

A strong challenge is expected from the local team in this event.The first
target will be a moving police van. In the second round competitors will aim
at a post office clerk, bank teller or Securicor style wages delivery man.



Boxing:

Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and will
take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of Tennants
while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The
bout will then commence.



Cycling Time Trials;

Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed and take an
expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy from England on his first
trip away from home. All against the clock. Cycling Pursuit: As above but
the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Australian rugby team,
who will witness the theft.



Modern Pentathlon:

Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering , flashing, joyriding and
arson.



The Marathon:

A safe route has yet to be decided , but the competitors will be issued with
sharp sticks and bags with which to pick up litter



Swimming:

Competitors will be thrown off the kingston bridge on the Clyde. The first
three survivors back will decide the medals



Mens 50km Walk:

Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot guarantee
the safety of anyone walking the streets of Glasgow.



THE CLOSING CEREMONY:

Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the Glasgow
"Health in the Community" anti -drug campaigners, synchronized rock throwing
and music by the Govan Loyalist Boys Band. The Olympic flame will be
extinguished by someone dropping an old washing machine onto it from the top
floor of the block of flats next to the stadium.The stadium will be then
boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove all the copper
piping and the central heating boiler.

billyw

babbling on and on again "billyw" <> spewed in
news:OjJ7Pg#:

> If the Olympics were held in Glasgow
>
>
>
> OPENING CEREMONY:
>
> The Olympic flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native
> of the city (preferably from the Easterhouse area), wearing the
> traditional costume of shell suit ,baseball cap and balaclava mask. It
> will burn for the duration of the games in a large chip van situated
> on the roof of the stadium.
>
>
>
> THE EVENTS
>
> In previous Olympic games, Scotland's competitors have not
>
> been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of
> the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of the local
> Glaswegian athletes ie. 100 Metres sprint: Competitors will have to
> hold a video recorder and microwave oven, one in each arm, and on the
> sound of the starting pistol ,a police dog will be released from a
> cage 10 yards behind the athletes.
>
>
>
> 100 Metres hurdles:
>
> As above but with added obstacles (ie. car bonnets, hedges,
> gardens,fences walls etc.)
>
>
>
> Hammer:
>
> Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to
> use (claw, sledge etc). The winner will be the one who can cause the
> most grievous bodily harm to members of the public within the time
> allowed.
>
>
>
> Fencing:
>
> Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen silver and jewelry
> as possible in 5 mins.
>
>
>
> Shooting:
>
> A strong challenge is expected from the local team in this event.The
> first target will be a moving police van. In the second round
> competitors will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or Securicor
> style wages delivery man.
>
>
>
> Boxing:
>
> Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and
> will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints
> of Tennants while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when
> he gets home. The bout will then commence.
>
>
>
> Cycling Time Trials;
>
> Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed and
> take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy from England
> on his first trip away from home. All against the clock. Cycling
> Pursuit: As above but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of
> the Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft.
>
>
>
> Modern Pentathlon:
>
> Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering , flashing,
> joyriding and arson.
>
>
>
> The Marathon:
>
> A safe route has yet to be decided , but the competitors will be
> issued with sharp sticks and bags with which to pick up litter
>
>
>
> Swimming:
>
> Competitors will be thrown off the kingston bridge on the Clyde. The
> first three survivors back will decide the medals
>
>
>
> Mens 50km Walk:
>
> Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot
> guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of Glasgow.
>
>
>
> THE CLOSING CEREMONY:
>
> Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the
> Glasgow "Health in the Community" anti -drug campaigners, synchronized
> rock throwing and music by the Govan Loyalist Boys Band. The Olympic
> flame will be extinguished by someone dropping an old washing machine
> onto it from the top floor of the block of flats next to the
> stadium.The stadium will be then boarded up before the local athletes
> break into it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating
> boiler.
>
>
>

I wanna go see that...

--
Neil MCNGP #30
the "curious" hair on the soap of society

Neil

In microsoft.public.cert.exam.mcse, Neil climbed on a soapbox & opined:

<Maswsive sniipage>nd the central heating
>> boiler.
>>
>>
>>
>
> I wanna go see that...
>

SNIP! Fer $Deity's sake!

JaR
Usenet Police President

JaR

<snip>

ok

--
Neil MCNGP #30
the "curious" hair on the soap of society

Neil

How 'bout them Redneck Olympics:

10. Doves released during opening ceremonies are promptly
shot by the crowd and sold as concession snacks.
9. In an amazing coincidence, every proposed Olympic venue
turns out to be owned by the Governor.
8. The big event is the 100m Sister Chase.
7. Instead of shooting at boring targets, archers take aim
at muskrats and ATF agents.
6. Urine drug test transformed into "Distance ****ing
Competition."
5. Olympic Village replaced with Olympic Trailer Park.
4. Awards of gold, silver and bronze medals replaced by
award of gold, silver, and bronze teeth.
3. Opening Ceremony is a Skynyrd tape and a trunk full of
bottle rockets.
2. Hometown favorites falter in gymnastics competitions
due to all them extra toes.

Keyboard Cowboy

babbling on and on again "Keyboard Cowboy"
<> spewed in news:173a01c499d8
$823d0800$:

> 3. Opening Ceremony is a Skynyrd tape and a trunk full of
> bottle rockets.
> 2. Hometown favorites falter in gymnastics competitions
> due to all them extra toes.
>

where is #1?

--
Neil MCNGP #30
the "curious" hair on the soap of society

Neil

On Sep 13, 2004 at 9:09am "Neil" blathered:

> <snip>
>
> ok
>

What are you talking about?

--
TechGeekPro, MCNGP #36
MCNGP.com - We're here to help!
I'm TechGeekPro, and I approved this post.

TechGeekPro

Neil wrote:
> babbling on and on again "Keyboard Cowboy"
> <> spewed in news:173a01c499d8
> $823d0800$:
>
>> 3. Opening Ceremony is a Skynyrd tape and a trunk full of
>> bottle rockets.
>> 2. Hometown favorites falter in gymnastics competitions
>> due to all them extra toes.
>>
>
> where is #1?

The dawg ate it.

=?Windows-1252?Q?Frisbee=AE?=

<snip>

can't tell you...

--
Neil MCNGP #30
the "curious" hair on the soap of society

Neil

>The dawg ate it.

which dog?

Kline Sphere (Chalk) MCNGP #3

The Poster Formerly Known as Kline Sphere