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Thinking of buying a Taser?

 
 
Gary G. Taylor
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      05-18-2006
I DID NOT WRITE THIS. I ran across it in 0.verizon.discussioin.general (a
group carried only on Verizon's servers) and it was so frickin funny I had
to repost it here. Enjoy.

=================

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my
interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a
little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were
suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO
COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the
button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get
the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn
spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this
new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two
triple-a batteries,. right?!!! There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie
looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the
directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a
flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie
(for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet
cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself.
against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as
advertised. Am I wrong?


So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser
in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and
disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle
spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long,
less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with
two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.....
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked one side
as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from
such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to
give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the
prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF
MASS DESTRUCTION @#$%^&*&$# I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through
the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on
the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my
side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both
nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked
under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was
standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking
my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"


Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note
of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap
yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from
your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst
would be considered conservative. SON-OF-A-.. that hurt like [bleep]!!! A
minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that
point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed
the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the
fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps and right thigh were
still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocaine, and
my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles! I'm
offering a significant reward for their safe return.


--
sholzy
http://linuxconnection.org


--
Gary G. Taylor * Pomona|anomoP, CA * http://www.donavan.org
"The two most abundant things in the Universe are hydrogen and stupidity."
--Robert A. Heinlein, Harlan Ellison, Frank Zappa, and many others
"Living free is the best revenge." --GT
 
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=?ISO-8859-1?Q?R=F4g=EAr?=
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      05-18-2006
Gary G. Taylor wrote:
> I DID NOT WRITE THIS. I ran across it in 0.verizon.discussioin.general (a
> group carried only on Verizon's servers) and it was so frickin funny I had
> to repost it here. Enjoy.


Sounds like something the local skateboarders would do for fun.
 
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Toolman Tim
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      05-18-2006
In news:(E-Mail Removed) om,
Rgr spewed forth:
> Gary G. Taylor wrote:
>> I DID NOT WRITE THIS. I ran across it in
>> 0.verizon.discussioin.general (a group carried only on Verizon's
>> servers) and it was so frickin funny I had to repost it here. Enjoy.

>
> Sounds like something the local skateboarders would do for fun.


So you've met them too? <g>

--
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.


 
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=?ISO-8859-1?Q?R=F4g=EAr?=
Guest
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      05-19-2006
Toolman Tim wrote:
> In news:(E-Mail Removed) om,
> Rgr spewed forth:
>
>>Gary G. Taylor wrote:
>>
>>>I DID NOT WRITE THIS. I ran across it in
>>>0.verizon.discussioin.general (a group carried only on Verizon's
>>>servers) and it was so frickin funny I had to repost it here. Enjoy.

>>
>>Sounds like something the local skateboarders would do for fun.

>
>
> So you've met them too? <g>
>

I've had a good dose of them. I even built a half pipe for a bunch of
them. It'd be just like them to want to taze themselves as the olly'ed
off the roof.
 
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fred37
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      05-19-2006
On Thu, 18 May 2006 21:56:38 GMT, "Gary G. Taylor"
<(E-Mail Removed)> wrote:

>I DID NOT WRITE THIS. I ran across it in 0.verizon.discussioin.general (a
>group carried only on Verizon's servers) and it was so frickin funny I had
>to repost it here. Enjoy.

snip
>=================
> I'm still looking for my testicles! I'm
>offering a significant reward for their safe return.
>
>
>--
>sholzy
>http://linuxconnection.org


Too damn funny.
Thanks
Fred
"Don't look back, you're not going that way."
Thanks Bev.
 
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