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Gary G. Taylor 05-03-2004 07:40 PM

Oil change
 
[stolen from another group]

Oil Change Procedures FOR WOMEN

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last
oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly maintained
vehicle.

Money spent: Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $1.00

Total $21.00
------------------------------------
Oil Change instructions FOR MEN:

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil,
filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for
$50.00.

2) Stop by 7-11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00, drive
home.

3) Open a beer and drink it.

4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7) Place drain pan under engine.

8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9) Give up and use crescent wrench.

10) Unscrew drain plug.

11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on face and arms in
process. Cuss.

12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw
kitty litter on spilled oil.

13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.

14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter
and twist off.

16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil
everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash
can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.

17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil
change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener work.

18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan
full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back
yard instead of taking it to recycle.

19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.

20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.

21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.

22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to
gasket surface.

23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

24) Remember drain plug from step 11.

25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard along
with drain plug.

27) Drink beer.

28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily patch
of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawn mower
gas.

29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw
kitty litter on oil spill.

30) Drink beer.

31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag
used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain
plug and bang knuckles on frame.

32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.

33) Begin cussing fit.

34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.

35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss August (2002) in
the left boob.

36) Beer.

37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

38) Beer.

39) Beer.

40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

41) Beer.

42) Lower car from jack stands.

43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.

44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during
steps 23-43.

45) Beer.

46) Test drive car.

47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

48) Car gets impounded.

49) Call loving wife, make bail.

50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent: Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $40.00

Total-- $4165.00 But you know the job was done right!

--
Gary G. Taylor * Rialto, CA
gary at donavan dot org / http:// geetee dot donavan dot org
"The two most abundant things in the universe
are hydrogen and stupidity." --Harlan Ellison

Scraggy 05-03-2004 08:01 PM

Re: Oil change
 
Really spooky.............

Gary G. Taylor wrote:
> [stolen from another group]
>
> Oil Change Procedures FOR WOMEN
>
> 1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since
> the last oil change.
> 2) Drink a cup of coffee.
> 3) 15 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly maintained
> vehicle.
>
> Money spent: Oil Change $20.00
> Coffee $1.00
>
> Total $21.00
> ------------------------------------
> Oil Change instructions FOR MEN:
>
> 1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of
> oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a
> check for $50.00.
>
> 2) Stop by 7-11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00,
> drive home.
>
> 3) Open a beer and drink it.
>
> 4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
>
> 5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
>
> 6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
>
> 7) Place drain pan under engine.
>
> 8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
>
> 9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
>
> 10) Unscrew drain plug.
>
> 11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on face and
> arms in process. Cuss.
>
> 12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms.
> Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
>
> 13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
>
> 14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
>
> 15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil
> filter and twist off.
>
> 16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil
> everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in
> trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
>
> 17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil
> change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener work.
>
> 18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change."
> Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil
> in hole in back yard instead of taking it to recycle.
>
> 19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
>
> 20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
>
> 21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
>
> 22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to
> gasket surface.
>
> 23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
>
> 24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
>
> 25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
>
> 26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard
> along with drain plug.
>
> 27) Drink beer.
>
> 28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily
> patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in
> lawn mower gas.
>
> 29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw
> kitty litter on oil spill.
>
> 30) Drink beer.
>
> 31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with
> oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench
> tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
>
> 32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
>
> 33) Begin cussing fit.
>
> 34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
>
> 35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss August
> (2002) in the left boob.
>
> 36) Beer.
>
> 37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood
> flow.
>
> 38) Beer.
>
> 39) Beer.
>
> 40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
>
> 41) Beer.
>
> 42) Lower car from jack stands.
>
> 43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
>
> 44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled
> during steps 23-43.
>
> 45) Beer.
>
> 46) Test drive car.
>
> 47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
>
> 48) Car gets impounded.
>
> 49) Call loving wife, make bail.
>
> 50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
>
> Money spent: Parts $50.00
> DUI $2500.00
> Impound fee $75.00
> Bail $1500.00
> Beer $40.00
>
> Total-- $4165.00 But you know the job was done right!




William Hung 05-03-2004 08:25 PM

Re: Oil change
 
HARRRRRRRR!!!! Excellent...

"Gary G. Taylor" <knotgary@knotdonavan.org> wrote in message
news:Yexlc.4973$pV3.1563@newssvr27.news.prodigy.co m...
> [stolen from another group]
>
> Oil Change Procedures FOR WOMEN
>
> 1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the

last
> oil change.
> 2) Drink a cup of coffee.
> 3) 15 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly maintained
> vehicle.
>
> Money spent: Oil Change $20.00
> Coffee $1.00
>
> Total $21.00
> ------------------------------------
> Oil Change instructions FOR MEN:
>
> 1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil,
> filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for
> $50.00.
>
> 2) Stop by 7-11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00, drive
> home.
>
> 3) Open a beer and drink it.
>
> 4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
>
> 5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
>
> 6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
>
> 7) Place drain pan under engine.
>
> 8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
>
> 9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
>
> 10) Unscrew drain plug.
>
> 11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on face and arms in
> process. Cuss.
>
> 12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw
> kitty litter on spilled oil.
>
> 13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
>
> 14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
>
> 15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter
> and twist off.
>
> 16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil
> everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash
> can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
>
> 17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil
> change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener work.
>
> 18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan
> full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back
> yard instead of taking it to recycle.
>
> 19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
>
> 20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
>
> 21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
>
> 22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to
> gasket surface.
>
> 23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
>
> 24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
>
> 25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
>
> 26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard along
> with drain plug.
>
> 27) Drink beer.
>
> 28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily patch
> of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawn mower
> gas.
>
> 29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw
> kitty litter on oil spill.
>
> 30) Drink beer.
>
> 31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily

rag
> used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening

drain
> plug and bang knuckles on frame.
>
> 32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
>
> 33) Begin cussing fit.
>
> 34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
>
> 35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss August (2002)

in
> the left boob.
>
> 36) Beer.
>
> 37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood

flow.
>
> 38) Beer.
>
> 39) Beer.
>
> 40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
>
> 41) Beer.
>
> 42) Lower car from jack stands.
>
> 43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
>
> 44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during
> steps 23-43.
>
> 45) Beer.
>
> 46) Test drive car.
>
> 47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
>
> 48) Car gets impounded.
>
> 49) Call loving wife, make bail.
>
> 50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
>
> Money spent: Parts $50.00
> DUI $2500.00
> Impound fee $75.00
> Bail $1500.00
> Beer $40.00
>
> Total-- $4165.00 But you know the job was done right!
>
> --
> Gary G. Taylor * Rialto, CA
> gary at donavan dot org / http:// geetee dot donavan dot org
> "The two most abundant things in the universe
> are hydrogen and stupidity." --Harlan Ellison




Paddy 05-03-2004 08:31 PM

Re: Oil change
 
Didn't know you need oil changes in your PC!
Must be a real old one!
"Scraggy" <scraggy@abuseisgoodforyou.org.be> wrote in message
news:pfSdncY6NciIOAvdRVn-jA@brightview.com...
> Really spooky.............
>
> Gary G. Taylor wrote:
> > [stolen from another group]
> >
> > Oil Change Procedures FOR WOMEN
> >
> > 1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since
> > the last oil change.
> > 2) Drink a cup of coffee.
> > 3) 15 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly maintained
> > vehicle.
> >
> > Money spent: Oil Change $20.00
> > Coffee $1.00
> >
> > Total $21.00
> > ------------------------------------
> > Oil Change instructions FOR MEN:
> >
> > 1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of
> > oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a
> > check for $50.00.
> >
> > 2) Stop by 7-11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00,
> > drive home.
> >
> > 3) Open a beer and drink it.
> >
> > 4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
> >
> > 5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
> >
> > 6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
> >
> > 7) Place drain pan under engine.
> >
> > 8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
> >
> > 9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
> >
> > 10) Unscrew drain plug.
> >
> > 11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on face and
> > arms in process. Cuss.
> >
> > 12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms.
> > Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
> >
> > 13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
> >
> > 14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
> >
> > 15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil
> > filter and twist off.
> >
> > 16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil
> > everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in
> > trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
> >
> > 17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil
> > change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener work.
> >
> > 18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change."
> > Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil
> > in hole in back yard instead of taking it to recycle.
> >
> > 19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
> >
> > 20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
> >
> > 21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
> >
> > 22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to
> > gasket surface.
> >
> > 23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
> >
> > 24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
> >
> > 25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
> >
> > 26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard
> > along with drain plug.
> >
> > 27) Drink beer.
> >
> > 28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily
> > patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in
> > lawn mower gas.
> >
> > 29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw
> > kitty litter on oil spill.
> >
> > 30) Drink beer.
> >
> > 31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with
> > oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench
> > tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
> >
> > 32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
> >
> > 33) Begin cussing fit.
> >
> > 34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
> >
> > 35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss August
> > (2002) in the left boob.
> >
> > 36) Beer.
> >
> > 37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood
> > flow.
> >
> > 38) Beer.
> >
> > 39) Beer.
> >
> > 40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
> >
> > 41) Beer.
> >
> > 42) Lower car from jack stands.
> >
> > 43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
> >
> > 44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled
> > during steps 23-43.
> >
> > 45) Beer.
> >
> > 46) Test drive car.
> >
> > 47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
> >
> > 48) Car gets impounded.
> >
> > 49) Call loving wife, make bail.
> >
> > 50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
> >
> > Money spent: Parts $50.00
> > DUI $2500.00
> > Impound fee $75.00
> > Bail $1500.00
> > Beer $40.00
> >
> > Total-- $4165.00 But you know the job was done right!

>
>




Norm 05-03-2004 10:07 PM

Re: Oil change
 
Yeah, baby!



PuppyKatt 05-03-2004 10:22 PM

Re: Oil change
 
ROFLMAO - only because the procedures, as outlined below, is exactly
correct.

"Gary G. Taylor" <knotgary@knotdonavan.org> wrote in message
news:Yexlc.4973$pV3.1563@newssvr27.news.prodigy.co m...
: [stolen from another group]
:
: Oil Change Procedures FOR WOMEN
:
: 1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the
last
: oil change.
: 2) Drink a cup of coffee.
: 3) 15 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly maintained
: vehicle.
:
: Money spent: Oil Change $20.00
: Coffee $1.00
:
: Total $21.00
: ------------------------------------
: Oil Change instructions FOR MEN:
:
: 1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of
oil,
: filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check
for
: $50.00.
:
: 2) Stop by 7-11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00,
drive
: home.
:
: 3) Open a beer and drink it.
:
: 4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
:
: 5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
:
: 6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
:
: 7) Place drain pan under engine.
:
: 8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
:
: 9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
:
: 10) Unscrew drain plug.
:
: 11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on face and arms
in
: process. Cuss.
:
: 12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms.
Throw
: kitty litter on spilled oil.
:
: 13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
:
: 14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
:
: 15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil
filter
: and twist off.
:
: 16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil
: everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in
trash
: can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
:
: 17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil
: change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener work.
:
: 18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag
pan
: full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in
back
: yard instead of taking it to recycle.
:
: 19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
:
: 20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
:
: 21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
:
: 22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to
: gasket surface.
:
: 23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
:
: 24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
:
: 25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
:
: 26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard
along
: with drain plug.
:
: 27) Drink beer.
:
: 28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily
patch
: of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawn
mower
: gas.
:
: 29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw
: kitty litter on oil spill.
:
: 30) Drink beer.
:
: 31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with
oily rag
: used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening
drain
: plug and bang knuckles on frame.
:
: 32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
:
: 33) Begin cussing fit.
:
: 34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
:
: 35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss August
(2002) in
: the left boob.
:
: 36) Beer.
:
: 37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood
flow.
:
: 38) Beer.
:
: 39) Beer.
:
: 40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
:
: 41) Beer.
:
: 42) Lower car from jack stands.
:
: 43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
:
: 44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled
during
: steps 23-43.
:
: 45) Beer.
:
: 46) Test drive car.
:
: 47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
:
: 48) Car gets impounded.
:
: 49) Call loving wife, make bail.
:
: 50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
:
: Money spent: Parts $50.00
: DUI $2500.00
: Impound fee $75.00
: Bail $1500.00
: Beer $40.00
:
: Total-- $4165.00 But you know the job was done right!
:
: --
: Gary G. Taylor * Rialto, CA
: gary at donavan dot org / http:// geetee dot donavan dot org
: "The two most abundant things in the universe
: are hydrogen and stupidity." --Harlan Ellison



Linda 05-04-2004 12:44 AM

Re: Oil change
 
This is the 21st century. Credit cards are so much easier.

"Gary G. Taylor" <knotgary@knotdonavan.org> wrote in message
news:Yexlc.4973$pV3.1563@newssvr27.news.prodigy.co m...
> [stolen from another group]
>
> Oil Change Procedures FOR WOMEN
>
> 1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000

miles since the last
> oil change.
> 2) Drink a cup of coffee.
> 3) 15 minutes later write a check and leave with a

properly maintained
> vehicle.
>
> Money spent: Oil Change $20.00
> Coffee $1.00
>
> Total $21.00
> ------------------------------------
> Oil Change instructions FOR MEN:
>
> 1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy

a case of oil,
> filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree,

write a check for
> $50.00.
>
> 2) Stop by 7-11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for

$20.00, drive
> home.
>
> 3) Open a beer and drink it.
>
> 4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
>
> 5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
>
> 6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
>
> 7) Place drain pan under engine.
>
> 8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
>
> 9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
>
> 10) Unscrew drain plug.
>
> 11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on

face and arms in
> process. Cuss.
>
> 12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face

and arms. Throw
> kitty litter on spilled oil.
>
> 13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
>
> 14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
>
> 15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver

through oil filter
> and twist off.
>
> 16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter

splashing oil
> everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among

trash in trash
> can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
>
> 17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide

to finish oil
> change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door

opener work.
>
> 18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil

change." Drag pan
> full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil

in hole in back
> yard instead of taking it to recycle.
>
> 19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
>
> 20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
>
> 21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
>
> 22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin

coat of oil to
> gasket surface.
>
> 23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
>
> 24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
>
> 25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
>
> 26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the

back yard along
> with drain plug.
>
> 27) Drink beer.
>
> 28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug.

Re-shovel oily patch
> of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain

plug in lawn mower
> gas.
>
> 29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the

floor. Throw
> kitty litter on oil spill.
>
> 30) Drink beer.
>
> 31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe

eyes with oily rag
> used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench

tightening drain
> plug and bang knuckles on frame.
>
> 32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
>
> 33) Begin cussing fit.
>
> 34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
>
> 35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss

August (2002) in
> the left boob.
>
> 36) Beer.
>
> 37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to

stop blood flow.
>
> 38) Beer.
>
> 39) Beer.
>
> 40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
>
> 41) Beer.
>
> 42) Lower car from jack stands.
>
> 43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
>
> 44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil

spilled during
> steps 23-43.
>
> 45) Beer.
>
> 46) Test drive car.
>
> 47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the

influence.
>
> 48) Car gets impounded.
>
> 49) Call loving wife, make bail.
>
> 50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
>
> Money spent: Parts $50.00
> DUI $2500.00
> Impound fee $75.00
> Bail $1500.00
> Beer $40.00
>
> Total-- $4165.00 But you know the job was done right!
>
> --
> Gary G. Taylor * Rialto, CA
> gary at donavan dot org / http:// geetee dot donavan dot

org
> "The two most abundant things in the universe
> are hydrogen and stupidity." --Harlan Ellison




Toolman Tim 05-04-2004 01:08 AM

Re: Oil change
 
And since all they *really* wanted was the beer in the first place, why the
excuse about the oil change? Just go drink the stinking beer!

"Linda" <somewhere.in.the@barossa> wrote in message
news:8IBlc.10286$TT.4562@news-server.bigpond.net.au...
> This is the 21st century. Credit cards are so much easier.
>
> "Gary G. Taylor" <knotgary@knotdonavan.org> wrote in message
> news:Yexlc.4973$pV3.1563@newssvr27.news.prodigy.co m...
> > [stolen from another group]
> >
> > Oil Change Procedures FOR WOMEN
> >
> > 1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000

> miles since the last
> > oil change.
> > 2) Drink a cup of coffee.
> > 3) 15 minutes later write a check and leave with a

> properly maintained
> > vehicle.
> >
> > Money spent: Oil Change $20.00
> > Coffee $1.00
> >
> > Total $21.00
> > ------------------------------------
> > Oil Change instructions FOR MEN:
> >
> > 1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy

> a case of oil,
> > filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree,

> write a check for
> > $50.00.
> >
> > 2) Stop by 7-11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for

> $20.00, drive
> > home.
> >
> > 3) Open a beer and drink it.
> >
> > 4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
> >
> > 5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
> >
> > 6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
> >
> > 7) Place drain pan under engine.
> >
> > 8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
> >
> > 9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
> >
> > 10) Unscrew drain plug.
> >
> > 11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on

> face and arms in
> > process. Cuss.
> >
> > 12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face

> and arms. Throw
> > kitty litter on spilled oil.
> >
> > 13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
> >
> > 14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
> >
> > 15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver

> through oil filter
> > and twist off.
> >
> > 16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter

> splashing oil
> > everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among

> trash in trash
> > can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
> >
> > 17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide

> to finish oil
> > change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door

> opener work.
> >
> > 18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil

> change." Drag pan
> > full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil

> in hole in back
> > yard instead of taking it to recycle.
> >
> > 19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
> >
> > 20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
> >
> > 21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
> >
> > 22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin

> coat of oil to
> > gasket surface.
> >
> > 23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
> >
> > 24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
> >
> > 25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
> >
> > 26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the

> back yard along
> > with drain plug.
> >
> > 27) Drink beer.
> >
> > 28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug.

> Re-shovel oily patch
> > of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain

> plug in lawn mower
> > gas.
> >
> > 29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the

> floor. Throw
> > kitty litter on oil spill.
> >
> > 30) Drink beer.
> >
> > 31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe

> eyes with oily rag
> > used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench

> tightening drain
> > plug and bang knuckles on frame.
> >
> > 32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
> >
> > 33) Begin cussing fit.
> >
> > 34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
> >
> > 35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss

> August (2002) in
> > the left boob.
> >
> > 36) Beer.
> >
> > 37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to

> stop blood flow.
> >
> > 38) Beer.
> >
> > 39) Beer.
> >
> > 40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
> >
> > 41) Beer.
> >
> > 42) Lower car from jack stands.
> >
> > 43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
> >
> > 44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil

> spilled during
> > steps 23-43.
> >
> > 45) Beer.
> >
> > 46) Test drive car.
> >
> > 47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the

> influence.
> >
> > 48) Car gets impounded.
> >
> > 49) Call loving wife, make bail.
> >
> > 50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
> >
> > Money spent: Parts $50.00
> > DUI $2500.00
> > Impound fee $75.00
> > Bail $1500.00
> > Beer $40.00
> >
> > Total-- $4165.00 But you know the job was done right!
> >
> > --
> > Gary G. Taylor * Rialto, CA
> > gary at donavan dot org / http:// geetee dot donavan dot

> org
> > "The two most abundant things in the universe
> > are hydrogen and stupidity." --Harlan Ellison

>
>




Bob_R 05-04-2004 02:08 AM

Re: Oil change
 
Got my Oil Change CD right here. Put it in the car's CD-player and let it
walk me through the steps?
(Didn't Symantec buy them out?)
;-)

"Gary G. Taylor" <knotgary@knotdonavan.org> wrote in message
news:Yexlc.4973$pV3.1563@newssvr27.news.prodigy.co m...
> [stolen from another group]
>
> Oil Change Procedures





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